When a blast from the past brings perspective to your present

Once upon a time I had a fairly awful relationship break-up. We had been together for a while but not ages and all seemed well. Until one day it was suddenly over in the course of a 30 minute phone call and I was never to see him again.... until last week!

At the time of the break-up it was really tough, isn't that always the case? As time moved along, so did I and I got to a point where I could barely remember his name, let alone his face. As well as this I have since been preoccupied with many wonderful things like adventures and a few less wonderful things like illness. However, I was busy and got on with my life.

When I saw him last week I actually didn't realise it was him to begin with. He looked different. He had aged. He had shrunk. Maybe he quit his gym membership or maybe it was simply a reflection of my opinion of him! Whatever it was, he didn't seem even half the man that I had once thought him to be.

I realise that at times my judgement could have been better in my relationship choices yet this was very bizarre. As I locked eyes on him, it look me a few minutes to even register it was him and as soon as I did, I headed in the opposite direction and didn't look back. Much like when the relationship ended.... 

I don't even know if he saw me. 

My ex didn't look good, at all. Even my darling mother had once said that he was a good looking man but he was so different this time. Maybe seeing the dark side of him and his narrow-minded stubbornness in our final 30 minutes together was enough to mask his looks. Perhaps life had got hard....

Taking all of this on board made me reflect on my life now, in the present. I am happy, loved and pretty satisfied with my life. Much more than I ever was when he was part of it. I don't have a single regret and am actually in such a good place that I feel grateful that he has not only exited my life stage left but also made me grateful for the great people in my life right now.

I suppose in the middle of a situation or crisis things can seem so bad that you can lose perspective. Think about a forest fire, it is destructive and burns the vegetation and sometimes poor animals too, yet fire brings new life. Seeds grow, the ash is full of nutrients and life starts again. This has certainly been my experience and not only has "life started again" it is so much better and had he stayed in my life, I would not have got to the point I am at right now. 

There are always things to be grateful for! 

The best thing I can recommend is not to look back, the past is behind you and you don't want to miss your present and all the great things you have ahead of you in your future. 

UNEDITED: Is it possible to delete away the things you simply don't like?

I was mildly amused when I recently discovered that an old acquaintance of mine had deleted me from Facebook. Once upon a time we had a wonderful season of friendship together but staying in contact had proven to be problematic so it wasn't a huge shock when our friendship was suddenly removed with the click of a button. 

I am a bit of a minimalist and my philosophy is that if you are not physically present in my life then you are not really a 'friend'. Harsh but true. The friends that I seek are ones with authentic, genuine, friendships behind them and hopefully I get to see them face to face, from time to time as part of the friendship.

Am I asking for too much?!!!

It was only by chance that I even realized that I had been edited out of his life, when a mutual friend had said something about a post of his dog. I admit, one less 'dog' post on my Facebook news feed is greatly appreciated. As I reflected on his editing out of our 'friendship' I thought about the posts of mine he had clearly disliked in the past for all kind of reasons - reasons that will remain present in his life regardless of our Facebook 'friend' status. 

Yep, the reality is, the things that come our way which we don't like, don't automatically get omitted from life, in the same way that pressing 'unfriend' or even better 'block' can remove the odd picture or two of a dog! The canine species will still exist and will drive me nuts regardless of who may or may not be posting them on Facebook and I simply have to deal with it. 

So while perhaps a so called friendship can be deleted, yet there remains the question of whether you should try and delete things in life that you don't like. Perhaps a better way is to face the things head on?...

While a communication channel can be 'deleted' on Facebook and contact automatically ceases, that is sadly not that unusual, it happens all the time - even with genuine friendships communication often runs dry. However, the loss of communication in the present, cannot impact the past. For example, can memories, history, feelings, moments and experiences all be removed with the click of a button? 

Can memories, history, feelings, moments and experiences all be removed with the click of a button? 

Maybe, eventually, with time, perhaps these things could fade. However, the truth of what happened in the past is, well, it is the truth! It happened and will always be there. You cannot deny the past. As they say... the truth is always out there. You simply cannot delete the past, only perhaps make an attempt at changing the future of a friendship. 

For thousands of years people have used history to make sense of who they are now, today. This means that everyone you come across and experience, will somehow, shape or form who you are in one way or another, even if you try and delete it. It's humanity. It's life. So while in moments of anger, sadness, grief and perhaps even regret, may cause you to do something totally irrational, it cannot be denied that the past will always be simply unedited. It is what it is. It is there for all to see in its fullness. The past will remain whether you like it or not. 

....the past will always be unedited.

So to my newest 'unfriend', (who I know reads this blog) I am happy to still be your actual friend, which is far better, should you step back into my life and seek true friendship. Why? Because that's what friendship is all about... forgiveness, moving on together amid the good, the bad and even the deleting! Friendships are one of the most valuable assets in life - life is far richer with great friends.

Indeed, what is life without the people you adore?

Life is progressive and part of that is making sense of the past (including the parts that you don't like and would rather delete) and building on it for a better future. Perhaps the parts that you don't like, may not be as bad as you assume - including the ones that supposedly are weird or even lurk in the shadows of Facebook or wherever. They may appear like a shark waiting to bite and hurt you but perhaps they aren't sharks at all. Things often seem to be something they are not, especially in murky water..... especially on social media.

To be continued....

The last supper?

Sometimes something happens for the very last time and at the time you don't realize that it's the end, as there is little or no warning but suddenly it is all over and never to be the same again. It is shocking, surprising and in my experience rather distressing. 

Once upon a time, I had been in a relationship with someone and it got to the fairly significant point in our time together when we were not looking to call it a day but actually bring our families together and meet. This is a good thing, right? 

This is a point of time in a relationship that I have rarely achieved. It's significant. This was no longer simple coffee catch ups, sprinkled with the odd dinner. Nope! This was a moment beyond the two of us. We were now involving our most significant loved ones. 

I can almost hear the drum roll....

We had a very civilized lunch. All went well. He was on his best behaviour. My clan followed their careful instructions and all went well. There was plenty of mutual ground between us all and it was a really pleasant time together. In fact it was so pleasant that my darling boyfriend had taken it upon himself to make plans with my mother for a few days later, entirely independently of me. Whooooooa! 

As we said our goodbyes he and my mum were like old buddies, they had even walked his dog along the beach together! This all seemed a bit like, well, yes, a walk along the beach! 

Can you imagine my surprise when no more than three hours later my beloved boyfriend calls me with an ultimatum?! Yup. Suddenly it was make or break. His tone was aggressive...

"You're allergic to my dog so you really need to decide what you want to do." 

What? Where on earth had this come from?! We just had a lovely time together and what had happened during that short time apart? 

Yes I'm allergic to dogs. He had always known that. He has a dog. I have know that since I rejected him for that very reason when our dating profiles 'matched' online but as it turned out we met anyway.

I get it - he loves his dog. Most dog lovers are the same. I should in this case he looooooooooooves his dog to the point of worship. 

We had discussed this when we met and how we very different perspectives on the value of the canine species. We had agreed we could work around my allergy and his dog. I was reluctant but gave in and gave the relationship a go. Thus far it was, mostly, worthwhile, (despite the impact of my allergies) so here we were meeting families and making plans for the future. Suddenly it had become a deal breaker - and entirely my decision! 

I asked him to chat with me face to face. He was abrupt and very closed to that suggestion. Why was the future of OUR whole relationship suddenly in my hands? He had clearly made his decision, he just wasn't strong enough to tell me. The excuse of my allergies didn't make sense. None of it made sense and probably never will. That's okay.... 

Our last supper together was happy, fun and full of hope. I never saw him again despite his plans and promises and my requests. I don't know what he was smoking that afternoon after our last supper but I'm truly glad that I'm no longer involved with him. I am thankful that I have been able to continue being happy, having fun and most of all full of hope - which is surely at the heart of the last supper. 

When actions kiss louder than words

A little while ago I found myself in a great conversation with a fascinating and very handsome, young man. As you will know from previous blogs, this is rather rare for me...okay, near impossible, yet here I was talking to Cameron*...

I had been out with friends that evening, as had he, and somehow we all got chatting and now all our respective friends had disappeared. My objective for the evening was not to think about my ridiculous ex-boyfriend. Miraculously he didn't cross my mind once. There we were, just Cameron and I,  the two of us happily chatting away like long lost friend, except we were absolute strangers.

It was far from a date but the casual observer could have been fooled into thinking it was. In fact, I had taken a vow of "non-dating" so it was incredible that Cameron and I crossed paths in the first place. I must have been in good cheer as I really couldn't care to speak to any of our male species....unless they were delivering me cocktails! 

The conversation was raw with Cameron. He carried pain in his heart, as did I. We openly shared about our lives and how we got to that roof top bar on that evening. It was serene. Our lives were very different so we had a lot to talk about. He fascinated me.

We connected on a level that was really authentic. There were no barriers or front between us, it was real and genuine. Neither of us felt the need to apologize or soften who we were to each other, we weren't even there to impress each other, but to move on with our lives. Cameron's view of the world and relationships really challenged me, for the better. He was wise well beyond his youthful short years on earth. He had clearly spent some time in deep thought and soul searching. 

His good looks and charm made me nervous. I caught myself wondering where this interaction was leading to. For various reasons, neither of us could consider a relationship, let alone a relationship with each other. Perhaps the most significant impact someone can have on your life is simply contained to the briefest moment that you have together as your lives cross paths? Maybe this was the case with Cameron? I could have lived in that moment forever.

It was almost time to say goodbye and suddenly I felt nervous. We had an incredible connection and now it was time to say goodbye! We walked together towards the exit. I thanked him for a lovely time together and went to kiss him on the cheek. At that moment he turned his head so our lips touched!

He was bold. Direct. Strong. I felt the world was spinning around me. I was soon grounded when I noticed we had amassed a small audience and made some feeble excuse and literally ran, yep, I ran away from Cameron! What on earth must he think of me?! 

Perhaps in some ways this interaction was good timing, perhaps in another way it was bad timing. I am still unsure. What I am sure of is that things can change very quickly - in a moment an interaction can change your whole perspective of life and love and importantly bring hope for the future.

Once my feet were back on solid ground I casually mentioned to my dear mother that I had a great evening with a wonderful man, amid the challenges that life had thrown at him, she asked me only one question, "but did he kiss you?"

Sometimes actions speak louder than words, regardless of whatever you may be going through.   

* Name changed to Cameron because, for some reason, that is the name he chose for himself... 

Chasing love, chasing me!

Recently one afternoon I was walking back to the office  after a meeting (yep, I have a day job). I had been at a meeting and was lost in my thoughts as I marched down the street and plotting what I was going to have for lunch. As usual I walked past various cafes, full of people as I was entirely absorbed in my thoughts (spicy lentil soup, yum!) as well as my to-do list for the rest of the afternoon. 

Suddenly I heard someone shouting from behind me "Excuse me! Excuse me!" I decided they weren't talking to me and carried on with my mission. 

"EXCUSE ME" they were getting louder. I turned on my heel and realized the guy was talking to me. Had I forgotten to pay for my coffee? Don't think so. Had I dropped something? I checked my bag, nope all seemed well. He didn't seem lost or like he needed directions.

I looked at the guy curiously as he walked up to me. "Excuse me," he said, "I'm sorry to stop you but I just had to tell you that you are incredibly beautiful." 

I was speechless. "What?........ummmm.....okay....thank-you" I replied quite confused, ready to keep walking. Slightly annoyed and bewildered by his interruption.

He continued, "You just walked past me, while I was having coffee with my mates and I don't mean to be creepy but I just had to tell you how incredibly beautiful you are." Creepy? Maybe? He had chased me down the street. I just looked at him blankly. I hadn't ever seen this guy before. Did I just walk past him? I didn't know what to say. 

He carried on "I noticed you weren't wearing a ring. Are you single?" I looked at my ring-less fingers, wondering if I should have accessorized more! Probably. I looked him up and down half expecting him to grab my handbag and make a dash. What did he want?

I was so surprised by his bold approach. He repeated his question before I could respond asking again, 

"Do you have a partner?" 

Isn't this the moment that every single person would love to avoid?! Oh dear, what do I say? I wasn't in the best mindset to clearly think about what he was asking me - I was hungry after all! 

There were a couple of things about him that made me think he wasn't my type. Yet there was something sincere that I appreciated about him, maybe it was his courage in being so upfront and direct about his intentions.

Rarely have I been this lost for words!

I replied reluctantly that "I was getting to know someone" and he looked back at me hopefully and asked, "Is that me?" I laughed probably a bit too much and he requested that I take his number. I thanked him for his kind words towards me and said I wished him all the very best and politely declined to take his number. 

As I reflect on this interaction I realize that this guy was really putting himself out there to chase what he is looking for and went after what he wanted as soon as he saw it, regardless of the consequences and the possibility of looking foolish, even in front of his mates! 

There is no way I would be that bold... 

but should I?

I cannot help but admire him and wonder how many other men I have come across who are chasing love but are unprepared to put their neck on the line. His sheer bold approach to me was something I have never before experienced. 

I am quite sure that I am not the only woman he has liked the look of and chased down the street but I am confident that eventually he will find what he is looking for. Good on him. Perhaps there would be more people around finding fulfillment if only they too approached what we are looking for in this same way...

The art of gift giving: the greatest gift you can give

The Queen of England has recently has gifted to Harry and Meghan  a country mansion for their wedding gift. Hence, I have been reflecting on good gift giving....I quite like giving gifts to people yet typically the gifts I have received have been off the mark. I have struggled with feeling ungrateful yet being gracious to the giver. Then I am stuck with the dilemma of what to do with the unwanted thing that has been thrust into my life. 

It makes me wonder - 

why do we truly give gifts? 

Is it about us as the giver, or should we think more about the receiver? 

I had an ex-boyfriend (let's call him Ricky*) who was so far of the mark with his gift giving, that I have learnt how to be a better gift giver. Despite my not so subtle hints ("JUST TAKE ME TO THE ZOO"), Ricky's gift giving made me wonder what on earth was he was thinking.... did he even think about me at all? He did once mention that HE didn't like the zoo. I guess he missed the point and I am still desperate to visit the stupid zoo!  

As I am not one for receiving gifts, so it was problematic from the start with poor Ricky. I would rather we have experiences, together....perhaps have lunch out or do something nice. I want to create memories together. I don't really need or desire STUFF. Naturally, I try and be gracious when I do get gifts but I would rather the gift givers save their money. I am coming from a mind-set of efficiency as well as preference. 

There was one particular gift from Ricky that I remain perplexed by... For some reason Ricky thought that I would like a mid-length, silver, box-pleated skirt. Everything about it was not me! Even the very fact that it was a skirt....I have barely worn a skirt since high school. Then it was mid length - gorgeous on a Victoria's Secret Model, and while I am fairly certain the Ricky saw me en par with a VS Model, I am not! It was nothing short of awful. Atrocious even. Perhaps on someone half my age and importantly, in the correct size, it may have been okay. It was as cross between the Wizard of Oz's Tin Man and a NASA spacesuit and just not me. 

I was forced to draw on all of my best acting skills as I tried to demonstrate my sincerest thanks and gratefulness towards Ricky's kindness in giving me this gift. I am sure he meant well, even though I could not imagine anyone in their right mind buying this for me. I had  even mentioned to Ricky that I need less clothes not more! However, much like my zoo hints this had fallen on deaf ears. 

Oh Ricky... 

I had promised myself I would wear said skirt once while with him, after all he may think I look great in the skirt, even if it didn't  fit!  I figured that I could probably go to the store and secretly exchange the it for the correct size before donating it to some poor charity. It may be good for someone for a fancy dress outfit? When I went to the store they refused to swap it! Probably because they would fail to resell it!

As New Years Eve approached it was the only occasion that I could comprehend wearing my ill fitting, Tin Man / NASA astronaut style skirt. I told myself it was the right thing to do and it would make Ricky happy.....plus it would be dark watching the fireworks so less people would see me in it! 

Wearing the skirt was worse that I had thought and the fit was terrible. I wore a long black top over it to try and minimize the  dramatic impact as much as possible. I felt incredibly self-conscious. I still looked terrible so added a big necklace to draw the eye away from my skirt. It wasn't enough - the silver skirt dominated my look. I simply had to go with it and hope for the best, while hoping it wouldn't fall down!

We watched the fireworks together, the early ones, and then Ricky had to leave for more important commitments. While he had left me on NYE for a more pressing priority, I was also happy to address my priority of seeing the new year wearing something that I felt comfortable in! I soon got changed and headed back out for the midnight fireworks. Someone from the group of people who had been with us noticed that I had got changed. I mentioned that the skirt was a gift that I  felt I had to wear and she replied, 

"It was pretty bad, but you at least had a nice necklace on!"  

She made me feel less ungrateful even with her back handed complement! 

So while my not very subtle hints to Ricky didn't get me anywhere near the zoo, I realized that he wanted to give me things that he wanted to me have. I really wished his money had been put to better use. Like perhaps going to the local dog shelter. Maybe I could have told Ricky he was off the mark? Or perhaps my hints had been too subtle? Equally it was too late, the skirt was already upon me and I couldn't swap it! I was amused that Ricky had crowned himself an expert gift giver! Yep! He wasn't keen for feedback. There were a few other things going on in our relationship and in the end I never had to wear that skirt again or worry about future terrible gifts from him...maybe this was the silver (polyester) lining?!! 

Gift giving is kind and generous, it isn't truly about the giver but  the receiver - the person who you are giving the gift to. Interestingly, Ricky had requested that I get him clothes and I did just that, after seeking much detail from him including the style, colour, size, brand blah, blah, blah. For me, I wanted Ricky to have things he wanted and needed. I even noted his request of "no small checked prints that would highlight his big beer belly" even though I personally have a preference for that style, he didn't, so I avoided that.

While you may like giving certain types gifts to people, it is actually not about you. Yep. Ricky, would you really like to dress like a piece of machinery? Maybe, but I don't! What I do value is time with those I care for.... and maybe one day to even go to the zoo! It is important to be gracious and kind to people who do generously want to give you gifts. Sometimes it can be easier to provide what I call 'gift direction' and actually that is something that I really appreciate, as a giver and receiver. Indeed, much like that I received from Ricky. However, when it comes to the crunch, I still hold the belief that I would much rather have quality time with someone because actually time is the greatest gift I could be given, or give to someone for that matter. 

*name changed 

Online dating: this is why I won't click on your profile

Often I find myself in discussions about online dating. The pros. The cons. The surprises when you meet them in person.... It is undeniable that as more and more of our lives move online that relationships do - or at least the introductions. 

As you have possibly read, in earlier posts, I have done a fair share of online dating. I have a bit of a love hate relationship with it. I love it because it is easy and accessible but hate it because it is so time consuming and has typically been unsuccessful in finding a real connection with anyone. This is after a decade long commitment to it. 

As I have scrolled through endless profiles over the years, I can hear the voices of friends in my life (typically guys) ask me "why don't women click on my profile?" I feel for them, they are decent guys. As part of my own search for love I have naturally been  online profiles. Then I noticed why I wasn't clicking on most of them. There was a theme. It was due to the opening headlines of some of guys online profiles. Here are some examples and my thoughts about why I didn't bother to reach out to them......

Darren, 36 "What can I say? Okay so a bit about me....This is the part I normally stuff up..."

What do I think? "Darren, it would appear that you are correct - you have already stuffed it up! At least you are honest, I suppose."


Mike, 31 "I am a lawyer. I love my occupation. I love working."

My thoughts are, "Must be time to get back to work Mike, or even, time to find some hobbies or even a life or even your identity. Mike you are more than your job!"


Dave, 33 "Have fun, live, grow!"

My response, "Are you a motivational coach Dave? Perhaps you are on the wrong website?"


Adam, 35 "I am fairly centered when those around me tend to lose their heads."

What do I think, "Adam, what type of people do you hang with? No wonder you are only 'fairly centered'.... what does 'lose their heads' even mean? In fact, never mind, I am off! " 

NEXT.

Sam, 34 "Cheeky."

I have no words for this. 


Mike, 39 "Maldives, Dubai and Paris are the places we would visit together."

My thoughts are, "Mike, you sound full of it. I don't even know if I want a coffee with you, let alone go on a long haul flight to the other side of the world. Bon voyage!"


Jack, 30 "Hmmmm I guess I am kind."

This one got me thinking "Jack you need to take some time to find yourself and find out exactly who you are, and whether you are actually kind. 'Guessing' you are kind, is not enough for me. I need someone who knows who he is - without taking a guess." I guess I know enough about you already.


Cam, 28 "I am clumsy but generally competent."

What? This is how you are introducing yourself to me? What does 'generally' competent mean? These are traits, who are you Cam? Can the real Cam please stand up!


Ian, 33 "Easy going guy that likes to laugh."

Does anyone not enjoy laughing? Is it even possible to not enjoy laughing? 


Frank, 38 "Easy going guy that likes to laugh."

This sounds familiar, do you ever go by the name of Ian?


Matt, 27, "Easy going guy that likes to laugh."

Okay so you have also paid for someone to write your profile?! Creative. Generic, boring and sounds suspicious...maybe a fake profile, or catfish. Whatever the case I am not interested in finding out anymore. Bye.

Perhaps I am a bit harsh but there are so many profiles to scroll through that you simply cannot click on each one of them. It is a needle in a hay-stack type of operation and time consuming enough as it is. So for me, and probably many other woman (and men), having opening headlines like the above make it easier to eliminate people from the list, especially those who don't seem to have a clear grasp of who they are. 

My advice is to really think about who you are and to concisely communicate that in your headline. Be accurate, honest and be aware of humour - it doesn't always come across well when written, as opposed to in person. Even if you are an easy going guy that likes to laugh, tell me more, be more specific about WHO you are and what makes you tick. After all the whole point of dating is getting to know someone.

I didn't believe in love at first sight until I saw him!

Dating has been rather challenging for me over the course of my life, as you can probably gather from the tons of articles I have written on the subject. While I try and maintain a level of optimism and hope that one day it will all be worthwhile, I also try and be rather realistic about how things may go and have very few expectations along the way. 

I have previously said that I don't believe in soul mates and the idea of love at first sight, unless you need to go to SpecSavers. It is all just a bit far fetched, for me. I realize it  may be that is possible, but  probably only if chocolate is involved... or David Beckham and yet when I did eventually meet Becks I was a bit underwhelmed and so instead asked him "where's Victoria?!" Reinforcing my point that love is a bit more than the blinking of an eye.

All of these mindsets that I have held for so long were well and good until I saw HIM! This is what happened....

I was having dinner in a nice restaurant with a girlfriend and a few random people I had never met before. For some reason I looked up our eyes met (yes, just like in the movies, there were probably even angels singing the Hallelujah chorus too) and my entire being screamed YES!  It was the first time that I had ever had that kind of reaction when initially seeing someone - YES. Simple. Clear. Direct. YES!

Everything about him was "YES". 

Thankfully I was able to silently scream YES, another miracle in the story! As our eyes met, I quickly looked away and just as quickly looked back. He was still looking at me! I blushed. Still I was transfixed on him. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was magnetic.

As he walked past our dinner table, my eyes followed him and I could no longer hear my friend talking to me (even though she has a voice like a fog horn) nor could I or feel my hunger pains (we had a late booking at the restaurant!). My heart was beating so hard that I was sure he could hear it. Perhaps it even registered on the Richter Scale?!. 

Who was this incredible being? 

I had to find out who this wonderful man was! While I didn't actually know that he was indeed wonderful, there was something that made me sense it - I simply just knew it. He was good looking  for sure but there was more to him than that... something deeper. For the majority of the dinner I failed to eat much and could barely speak and as I was transfixed on him. 

Before me was possibly the only opportunity I had in meeting this man. So I was desperately trying to plot all kinds of ways to speak to him.....maybe I could accidentally (on purpose) fall into his table and he could rescue me? Or perhaps I could get one of the waiters to slip him my details? Or even if I had a really big net I could simply....never mind. 

I had to remind myself that I knew nothing at all about this handsome stranger and for all I knew he was married with children, or even gay! Yet there was some undeniable connection between us, I felt something....maybe it was just our mutual hunger for dinner yet I couldn't deny there was some eye contact and even the exchange of a few smiles. Something was going on...

As the evening drew to a close it was increasingly clear that it was pretty impossible for us to meet that night. While I had thought up a few ridiculous ways of initiating conversation there wasn't much I could realistically do. Unless I was okay with the possibility of being sectioned under the Mental Health Act, something that I did consider deeply while trying to focus on eating my salmon. Nope, this one I will leave to the Divine to bring us together again if only it is meant to be.....

The story doesn't end here, except today, for you, it does! So what is the moral in all of this? In short, the things we think and tell ourselves to be 'truths' may not be as true as we think. Sometime Divine intervention is actually all you truly need...

....to be continued.

What on earth was I thinking? The blessing of hindsight...

As I reflect back on certain dates and how I allowed some of them to progress into relationships (very short lived, thankfully), I have found myself wondering "What on earth was I thinking?" It takes sufficient time to elapse to have this wonderful insight and it isn't very helpful in the moment but in hindsight I must have surely been on another planet, captured by aliens or somehow off with the fairies to see these boys more than once!

For example...

Luke* a seemingly nice guy who within a few weeks I realized was actually not so nice at all. No. Luke turned out to be a paranoid hypochondriac and that was the least of his issues! Poor Luke had more issues than Vogue. Indeed, when I got really unwell (with hay fever) he was absolutely convinced that I had maliciously infected him with my allergies as well. Yeah Luke was no doctor and clearly had no idea that allergic reactions are actually not contagious, especially infectious enough to jump across a dinner table and attack his immunity! I was delighted to self medicate myself out of that relationship. 

Amusingly, Luke was prepared to "be the bigger person" and "give me a second chance"! Such generosity! I took my box of tissues (for my runny nose and eyes - there were no tears shed for him) and moved on, in fact it took me longer to get over my hay fever than Luke. So I happily never gave him a second thought, let alone a second chance.  Until now, when I reflect "what on earth was I thinking?" 

Russ** once again a seemingly decent dude (aren't they all at the start) until after a little while it became evident that not only was he in love with another woman (yep, I pick them so well) but the other woman wasn't of the human species but a canine. Yes, Russ was in love with his mutt. Truly. (I can already hear your laughter, even my dear mother still finds this hilarious,which it is.) Now as I have already explained I have allergies, they are pretty severe and I get so unwell that I can barely breathe. It was very evident that Russ's doggy darling also made me very unwell. 

Russ had slightly more compassion than Luke (mainly has Luke had zero compassion) as he did on occasions attempt to remove some of the dog hair that totally smothered his car for me and didn't blame me for getting unwell. Still it impacted me, so I would desperately try not to breathe while we were in transit and even on some occasions found it beneficial to act like his first love and hang my head out of the window and drool at passing cars, or pigeons or whatever as it saved me from turning blue from holding my breath for too long or the alternative of inhaling half a dog! 

Alas my efforts were futile as Russ announced his deal breaker was someone who cannot live with a dog, and all the while there was me holding my breath so that I could co-exist with the mutt to be with Russ! Can't say I didn't try but yes, I know, breathing is important in life. Yep, "what on earth was I thinking?" Lack of oxygen does impact the brain function, don't you know?...

Hopefully my judgement has since improved after these disasters with Luke and Russ. What is the lesson from all of this? We all make mistakes and live and learn from them, in my case I can also laugh quite a lot, thanks guys! I think this is one of the downfalls of dating - there are always some disasters but that is the fun of it (if you can call it fun having such bad allergies that not only destroy relationships but make you so unwell you cannot breathe!) but you know what I mean. 

Ultimately dating is about spending time with someone until you realize you no longer want to do so or that you want to take things further. In that light, I have been quite efficient in realizing just how unsuitable these guys have been for me, and me for them! So then, what on earth was I thinking?... I suppose I simply wasn't thinking at all. I gave it a go with these two crazies, which hindsight has revealed, wasn't a good idea at all, and that my friends is the moral of this story! 

*Luke was definitely not called Luke, take that as Gospel.
** Russ is the appropriate name of choice because he was like a jack RUSSel = a bit small and yappy.

"Thanks but no thanks" how to politely decline another date.

If you have been on more than a few dates then I am sure you will have had the experience of meeting someone who is really into you and wants to see you again and is super keen but you just don't feel any of it. In fact you don't even want to see them again. I have been in this situation a more times that I would like to admit and feel it will always remain a mystery to me as to how my date can interpret things so differently from me! Anyway......So how do you tell them you aren't interested?

I should note that the medium that you choose to communicate that you aren't interested is also important and that does depend on the length of your relationship but not for discussion today. I also need to admit that I haven't always been the best at politely declining guys advances over my eons of dating. However, I have learnt some things along the way and there are certainly some ways that are better than others in graciously saying "thanks but no thanks". Here are a few other things to keep in mind....

Don't ghost

Firstly, I would say please never ghost someone. If you are unfamiliar with the term, ghosting is when you just disappear and as if you have fallen off the planet. Ghosting isn't nice, is very rude and actually is pretty cowardly. So while it may be tough to have an honest conversation it is actually really important that you do so that you can both move on. 

Be kind

We can always learn things from the people you come across in life, whether you meet them on a date or walking your dog. If someone has been gracious enough to give you their time be kind in how you communicate how you do not desire any more of their time. I always try and include something really positive to say to them, which I genuinely mean, such as "it was great to meet you" and "I wish you all the very best for the future." It is tough being single so we should support and encourage our other single brothers and sisters, even if you dated them and perhaps wished you hadn't bothered (we have all been there!). Still be kind, the struggle is real and we all feel it.

Be honest but not too detailed

Honesty really is the best policy. I remember once going on a date with a guy, who frankly, I found boring. He was a lovely man but did nothing for me except make me wish I was at home doing my laundry, or anything other than hang out with him. We weren't a good match. The poor guy seemed to really like something about me and kept asking enthusiastically asking me out! After a few dates it was clear I had to tell him I didn't want to see him again. This was difficult because by all accounts he was a great guy, but a great guy who bored me to the extent that I found myself day dreaming about my household chores as escapism while in his company. Did I ever tell him this? NEVER. No! Instead I tried my best to graciously explain that while it was good getting to know him I felt we should part ways. That was it. He was surprised and explained his disappointment but I am quite sure that was not short lived because now I hear he is happily married! I am delighted for him and feel pleased that in my releasing him he is now happily with someone who probably day dreams about him and not housework! 

Remember that on this treacherous quest for love there will be many decoys along the way and you could also be a decoy for someone else. Indeed, surely it is much better to be upfront and tell them you aren't interested so that you can free them to meet someone else who may be the one for them. Equally you are free to do the same yourself. That is an empowering thought and something you should do as soon as you know that they are not for you. Of course, the shoe can always be on the other foot, so if someone doesn't want to see you any more, then your response is best received with kindness, honesty and grace. 

Why I am not jealous of Meghan Markle

This week is an exciting one in the royal Windsor house-hold as Prince Harry (formally Prince Henry Charles Albert David Windsor) of Wales will be marrying Meghan Markle. 

Another eligible bachelor is to soon be unavailable and single women all around the world will enviously be watching the televised nuptials take place at Windsor Castle. I will definitely be tuning in but I certainly wont be wishing I was Meghan, not at all. Not even one cell in my body will be wishing I was Meghan. 

While Prince Harry is an attractive guy and clearly knows how to enjoy himself, marrying a prince has many duties, responsibilities and expectations that the commoner really cannot appreciate, not until it is too late. Princess Diana learnt that, the hard way. 

As an upcoming member of the Royal Family Meghan will face a lifetime of official duties in the UK and abroad and at times even represent the Queen. Naturally there will be numerous privileges that Meghan will experience but becoming a member of the Royal Family, is more than marrying a hot prince. Being a Royal entails a lengthy job description, in a role that you have never done before, have had little practice in and you certainly do not have room to make mistakes. 

It is unlikely that Meghan will be on a throne having someone feeding her peeled grapes all day. No, Meghan is going to have to get to work and hard work it will be. 

As we saw with the tragic death of Princess Diana of Wales that marrying into the royal family also entails a life of media scrutiny - even when you are no longer officially part of the Royal Family. Meghan's Hollywood fame is nothing compared to the global attention she will now have for the rest of her life because of who she has chosen to marry. Marrying a royal has significant fine print that is also part of the marriage contract and there are no escape clauses! I know that I would not be up for it.... sorry Harry. 

I don't mean to sound cynical because I am happy for the couple. Of course I am, I mean who doesn't love a good wedding? It is wonderful when a couple come together and chose to commit themselves to each other for better or worse, for the rest of their lives. I am genuinely happy for Meghan and Harry and actually somewhat relieved for myself! 

Yes, I am grateful that Meghan has agreed to marry Harry and removed him as one of the most eligible bachelors on the planet. This may not seem like a good thing but it really is a good thing because I have been saved from falling for his good looks and British charm.... and if you are a single woman reading this, then you should be grateful too. Thank you Meghan your sacrifice has enabled our freedom! 

Three cheers for the happy couple!

What can your dog teach you about love?

Recently I observed a guy who was unlucky in love. Let’s call him Rick*. Rick was also a dog owner and he was very devoted to his dog, let’s call her Lisa**. Rick and Lisa had a typical dog/owner relationship and they adored each other. I saw how their relationship worked. Rick has been a single man for years and consequently Lisa was his bestie. They did everything together….from going to work, to going to the bathroom. Rick and Lisa were inseparable.

Not having the same passion for dogs myself (primarily due to severe allergies) I asked Rick a lot about his relationship with Lisa and especially why he devoted so much time to her – he probably spent more time with Lisa than anyone else in his world.

Rick explained to me that Lisa gave him unconditional love and how he would even die for her. Lisa was Rick’s big deal breaker in all of his romantic relationships, with a mindset of,

“Love me, love my dog.”

Lisa was clearly very devoted to Rick. I would watch Lisa scratch around in the dirt, licking everything on the floor and chewing things and then lovingly Rick would let her lick all over his face. I felt nauseous witnessing it but clearly there was a strong bond between them.

Dog are in some ways loyal companions but is loyalty the same as love? Perhaps for some people it doesn’t matter because the companionship is more important than love and it eliminates the truth that the owner is really the Master in of the dog. Perhaps that is enough for many people.

Did Lisa love Rick unconditionally?

Each morning Lisa would wake Rick up early, often before sunrise, because she wanted her breakfast. He gave it to her, without question or complaint. He spoke kindly and lovingly to Lisa, even when she was naughty. Rick played with Lisa. He would take her for daily swims at the beach and long walks every day. Before bedtime every night Lisa was conditioned to “ask” for a treat, because it was the end of the day and every day Rick would give in to her. Was Lisa’s love unconditional? Or was Rick such a kind dog owner that he brought the best out of her? I wondered.

Had Rick not been so attentive to Lisa and all of her needs I think her response to him would have been very different. What was the response of Lisa towards Rick's kindess? She would follow him around, wagging her tail, looking happy and (mostly) being obedient. 

Lisa’s love for Rick was on the basis of transaction.

"You do something for me, then I will do something for you." 

You only need to think about dogs that have been mistreated and abused to see that they respond very differently to their owners. Abused dogs do not respond in the way that Lisa responds to her good owner Rick.

This principal relates to human relationships too.

Understanding the needs of your loved ones is essential and trying to meet them each day by putting their needs ahead of yours will only benefit your relationships. Similarly, spending quality time together, like Rick did with Lisa at the beach, at work, at the park, even in the bathroom – it all impacts the quality of a relationship. By the same token, treating someone you love badly, will naturally evoke a similar reaction to treating a dog badly - withdrawal, mistrust and other negative responses that further damage a relationship.

Sometimes in human relationships there can be similar types of "transactions" which often we won't accept, pet seem to be the exception. Perhaps the conditions of a dog's commitment are so simple that it becomes preferable to those of complex human relationships. They are certainly more straight forwards! 

Maybe we should think about how we treat people to better understand the reasons for their response.

It is sad that Rick was so unlucky in love because he clearly had the capacity but perhaps for him, his true love will need to be on all fours! As cute and loyal as they are they are, dogs respond on impulse and the conditions of how you exist together. Truly unconditional love knows no boundaries or conditions, sometimes I can’t help but think that people get misled and deceived about what love really is.

*name changed to Rick. Rick rhymes with lick and Lisa liked to lick!

** name changed to protect the identity of the dog

Single people: this is why you should be very picky with who you date.

Often single people are advised to "not be so picky", this is well intended advice to somehow help us singles more easily find the ever elusive thing we call love. So amid this great quest, of a lifelong partner and soul mate, shouldn't pickiness actually be essential?

There have been a few occasions in my not yet distant enough past, where I have attempted to indeed be less picky. Instead of sticking to my guns, with the full knowledge of what I was looking for and who I would be compatible with, I did a terrible thing. I wavered. 

Yes, I wavered!

I am sure many single people reading this will have had similar experiences, although I do hope not, because the reality is they are not pleasant....

Richie* had made numerous efforts to spend time with me. He was nice, friendly and seemed like he was easy enough to get along with. There were things that seemed to align between us but then  a massive chasm of differences too. I should add there were two decades between us as well, so basically, yes, he was old! I used to joke that people observing us together would assume he was very rich to attract such a young woman as me. I was probably quite right! 

Early on, as I was getting to know Richie, I had brought up with him some of our most significant differences and on quite a few times yet he didn't appear to see any issues, so time went on, we kept dating. Spending more quality time together. Getting to know each other more. Gradually he grew on me. He kept growing on me. Growing more. And some more. A bit and a bit more. Quite like cancer really and before I knew it there is no going back. 

Clearly as our differences hadn't appeared to be an issue for Richie  as every time I had mentioned them he had been vague. This should have been enough of an indication that he wasn't truly on board with our relationship. I had simply believed him that everything would be okay. Of course this wasn't the case at all and everything fell apart. Or should I say, I fell apart as he went off partying into the sunset with a woman close to my mothers age and therefore much more age appropriate for him. It's probably for the best, especially in the long term but I failed to accept this fact from the sooner...

The writing was always on the wall with Richie - we were doomed from the start.

Dating Richie was a disappointment due to factors that were evident from week one of meeting him. I had already established that he really was far too old for me and there were a chasm of other differences that he wasn't prepared to discuss. While I was trying not to be so picky! 

At some point it was inevitable that Richie and I would have broken up one way or another, so him secretly finding a more age appropriate woman has cemented what my instincts told me. I could  have done myself a bigger favour though - had I not been so picky.  

I had given Richie my precious time in getting to know him. It took me a long time to decide if I even liked him and by the time I decided I did like him he was off anyway! So perhaps I made a bad call with this dude? It happens - that is what dating is all about. I took the chance  and gave him the benefit of the doubt and it was a mistake. I tried make a go at it with him amid all the indications that he really wasn't what I was looking for. I have got the reminder that I needed loud and clear-

YOU CANNOT BE TOO PICKY. 

BE PICKY.

THEN ADD MORE PICKINESS! 

YOU CANNOT BE PICKY ENOUGH WHEN DISCERNING YOUR PARTNER.

While Richie left me much, MUCH richer in the knowledge of exactly what I was looking for. This was hard and painful lesson to learn but a good reminder that a lack of pickiness serves no one.

*name changed to Richie because it rhymes with picky, a good reminder.....