Often when we are looking to meet that special someone there can be a tendency to look for the things that we have in common - we are looking for someone who is like us, or at least similar to us in many ways. Yet the more I think about it the more I realize I definitely don't want to date someone like me at all. I need someone good at things that I am terrible at... like reverse parking and map reading. Someone too similar to me would be an absolute nightmare!
People often say that opposites attract and I have never been too sold on that idea because I think there need to be a number of areas where you both align for a healthy relationship. Then I met Dave*....
Dave was simply a great guy, really lovely, very friendly and with a kind heart towards people. Mutual friends introduced us and he helped me out with a few things and as I got to know him I increasingly liked him.
Dave has a great love for three things that are very important in his life. Interestingly these are the same three things that I have a particular distaste for.....okay, let's be honest, I hate them.
In no particular order Dave loves- motorbikes, dogs and cricket. Each one of these I politely describe as "not for me".
Motorbikes, no. Dogs, no. Cricket, NO!
I am sorry if you are a fan of any of these but motorbikes and dogs scare me and cricket, well, like I said, "NO!" Seriously though, I might add that poor Dave equally cares just as much about my passion for shoes, make up and vegetarianism! Can you think of a worse match? Well...
Amid Dave's poor taste in his lifelong passions, we got on well, really well. We both like to laugh and have a (mostly) similar sense of humour and our core values are very much aligned.
Best of all it turns out that Dave is actually very gifted in a number of areas that I am entirely clueless about, things like building flat pack furniture and how to cut up a watermelon, both essential life skills. Even better Dave has the wonderful patience to try and explain this stuff to me, even though my brain is so full of butterflies and glitter that I can't quite comprehend what he is telling me.
Dave helps me with the stuff I am hopeless at.....like directions! He has stopped using words like "north" and "east" to describe where places are and instead uses terms that will make sense to me like "in front of the boat" and "next to the big tree with all the screaming birds in it". While I doubt Dave will ever fully be able to teach me how to read a map, he has displayed a caring heart and concern that I need to know what to do when I get lost - lucky I have his phone number! So Dave has many attractive qualities that I admire very much, and value them greatly, probably even more because I simply don't possess them myself!
Dave is very much my opposite - of course he loves pineapple on pizza. Gross. I had a brief moment of joy when he asked me "do you like capers?" I decided he must be a fan because only people who like capers ask other people if they like capers! In my excitement of finally having something in common I happily yelled "YES!" only for him to inform me that he hates them! Naturally he would hate them!
We are opposites.
Every relationship will have its challenges and there are some differences that can be so significant that they become deal breakers and barriers that will prevent you from working things out. I think compromising on core values is in this category because if your values don't align with each other then there will be conflict later on in the relationship as you will be addressing things from different perspectives. Compromising your core values, is compromising who you are and your identity, which can be very destructive.
Motorbikes, dogs and cricket will never be passions of mine (sorry Dave!), as I am certain that shoes, make-up and vegetarianism will never do much for Dave. I don't want to change the guy, he has many great qualities so perhaps it is how we spend our time together, with compromise, because there are other things can we can enjoy together, like eating out! This is great news because Dave can rest assured I won't eat his pineapple and I know with all certainty that he wont eat my capers and that consensus in a relationship is surely a good start!
* Name changed to Dave because everyone knows a good guy called "Dave"....
