Chasing love, chasing me!

Recently one afternoon I was walking back to the office  after a meeting (yep, I have a day job). I had been at a meeting and was lost in my thoughts as I marched down the street and plotting what I was going to have for lunch. As usual I walked past various cafes, full of people as I was entirely absorbed in my thoughts (spicy lentil soup, yum!) as well as my to-do list for the rest of the afternoon. 

Suddenly I heard someone shouting from behind me "Excuse me! Excuse me!" I decided they weren't talking to me and carried on with my mission. 

"EXCUSE ME" they were getting louder. I turned on my heel and realized the guy was talking to me. Had I forgotten to pay for my coffee? Don't think so. Had I dropped something? I checked my bag, nope all seemed well. He didn't seem lost or like he needed directions.

I looked at the guy curiously as he walked up to me. "Excuse me," he said, "I'm sorry to stop you but I just had to tell you that you are incredibly beautiful." 

I was speechless. "What?........ummmm.....okay....thank-you" I replied quite confused, ready to keep walking. Slightly annoyed and bewildered by his interruption.

He continued, "You just walked past me, while I was having coffee with my mates and I don't mean to be creepy but I just had to tell you how incredibly beautiful you are." Creepy? Maybe? He had chased me down the street. I just looked at him blankly. I hadn't ever seen this guy before. Did I just walk past him? I didn't know what to say. 

He carried on "I noticed you weren't wearing a ring. Are you single?" I looked at my ring-less fingers, wondering if I should have accessorized more! Probably. I looked him up and down half expecting him to grab my handbag and make a dash. What did he want?

I was so surprised by his bold approach. He repeated his question before I could respond asking again, 

"Do you have a partner?" 

Isn't this the moment that every single person would love to avoid?! Oh dear, what do I say? I wasn't in the best mindset to clearly think about what he was asking me - I was hungry after all! 

There were a couple of things about him that made me think he wasn't my type. Yet there was something sincere that I appreciated about him, maybe it was his courage in being so upfront and direct about his intentions.

Rarely have I been this lost for words!

I replied reluctantly that "I was getting to know someone" and he looked back at me hopefully and asked, "Is that me?" I laughed probably a bit too much and he requested that I take his number. I thanked him for his kind words towards me and said I wished him all the very best and politely declined to take his number. 

As I reflect on this interaction I realize that this guy was really putting himself out there to chase what he is looking for and went after what he wanted as soon as he saw it, regardless of the consequences and the possibility of looking foolish, even in front of his mates! 

There is no way I would be that bold... 

but should I?

I cannot help but admire him and wonder how many other men I have come across who are chasing love but are unprepared to put their neck on the line. His sheer bold approach to me was something I have never before experienced. 

I am quite sure that I am not the only woman he has liked the look of and chased down the street but I am confident that eventually he will find what he is looking for. Good on him. Perhaps there would be more people around finding fulfillment if only they too approached what we are looking for in this same way...

The art of gift giving: the greatest gift you can give

The Queen of England has recently has gifted to Harry and Meghan  a country mansion for their wedding gift. Hence, I have been reflecting on good gift giving....I quite like giving gifts to people yet typically the gifts I have received have been off the mark. I have struggled with feeling ungrateful yet being gracious to the giver. Then I am stuck with the dilemma of what to do with the unwanted thing that has been thrust into my life. 

It makes me wonder - 

why do we truly give gifts? 

Is it about us as the giver, or should we think more about the receiver? 

I had an ex-boyfriend (let's call him Ricky*) who was so far of the mark with his gift giving, that I have learnt how to be a better gift giver. Despite my not so subtle hints ("JUST TAKE ME TO THE ZOO"), Ricky's gift giving made me wonder what on earth was he was thinking.... did he even think about me at all? He did once mention that HE didn't like the zoo. I guess he missed the point and I am still desperate to visit the stupid zoo!  

As I am not one for receiving gifts, so it was problematic from the start with poor Ricky. I would rather we have experiences, together....perhaps have lunch out or do something nice. I want to create memories together. I don't really need or desire STUFF. Naturally, I try and be gracious when I do get gifts but I would rather the gift givers save their money. I am coming from a mind-set of efficiency as well as preference. 

There was one particular gift from Ricky that I remain perplexed by... For some reason Ricky thought that I would like a mid-length, silver, box-pleated skirt. Everything about it was not me! Even the very fact that it was a skirt....I have barely worn a skirt since high school. Then it was mid length - gorgeous on a Victoria's Secret Model, and while I am fairly certain the Ricky saw me en par with a VS Model, I am not! It was nothing short of awful. Atrocious even. Perhaps on someone half my age and importantly, in the correct size, it may have been okay. It was as cross between the Wizard of Oz's Tin Man and a NASA spacesuit and just not me. 

I was forced to draw on all of my best acting skills as I tried to demonstrate my sincerest thanks and gratefulness towards Ricky's kindness in giving me this gift. I am sure he meant well, even though I could not imagine anyone in their right mind buying this for me. I had  even mentioned to Ricky that I need less clothes not more! However, much like my zoo hints this had fallen on deaf ears. 

Oh Ricky... 

I had promised myself I would wear said skirt once while with him, after all he may think I look great in the skirt, even if it didn't  fit!  I figured that I could probably go to the store and secretly exchange the it for the correct size before donating it to some poor charity. It may be good for someone for a fancy dress outfit? When I went to the store they refused to swap it! Probably because they would fail to resell it!

As New Years Eve approached it was the only occasion that I could comprehend wearing my ill fitting, Tin Man / NASA astronaut style skirt. I told myself it was the right thing to do and it would make Ricky happy.....plus it would be dark watching the fireworks so less people would see me in it! 

Wearing the skirt was worse that I had thought and the fit was terrible. I wore a long black top over it to try and minimize the  dramatic impact as much as possible. I felt incredibly self-conscious. I still looked terrible so added a big necklace to draw the eye away from my skirt. It wasn't enough - the silver skirt dominated my look. I simply had to go with it and hope for the best, while hoping it wouldn't fall down!

We watched the fireworks together, the early ones, and then Ricky had to leave for more important commitments. While he had left me on NYE for a more pressing priority, I was also happy to address my priority of seeing the new year wearing something that I felt comfortable in! I soon got changed and headed back out for the midnight fireworks. Someone from the group of people who had been with us noticed that I had got changed. I mentioned that the skirt was a gift that I  felt I had to wear and she replied, 

"It was pretty bad, but you at least had a nice necklace on!"  

She made me feel less ungrateful even with her back handed complement! 

So while my not very subtle hints to Ricky didn't get me anywhere near the zoo, I realized that he wanted to give me things that he wanted to me have. I really wished his money had been put to better use. Like perhaps going to the local dog shelter. Maybe I could have told Ricky he was off the mark? Or perhaps my hints had been too subtle? Equally it was too late, the skirt was already upon me and I couldn't swap it! I was amused that Ricky had crowned himself an expert gift giver! Yep! He wasn't keen for feedback. There were a few other things going on in our relationship and in the end I never had to wear that skirt again or worry about future terrible gifts from him...maybe this was the silver (polyester) lining?!! 

Gift giving is kind and generous, it isn't truly about the giver but  the receiver - the person who you are giving the gift to. Interestingly, Ricky had requested that I get him clothes and I did just that, after seeking much detail from him including the style, colour, size, brand blah, blah, blah. For me, I wanted Ricky to have things he wanted and needed. I even noted his request of "no small checked prints that would highlight his big beer belly" even though I personally have a preference for that style, he didn't, so I avoided that.

While you may like giving certain types gifts to people, it is actually not about you. Yep. Ricky, would you really like to dress like a piece of machinery? Maybe, but I don't! What I do value is time with those I care for.... and maybe one day to even go to the zoo! It is important to be gracious and kind to people who do generously want to give you gifts. Sometimes it can be easier to provide what I call 'gift direction' and actually that is something that I really appreciate, as a giver and receiver. Indeed, much like that I received from Ricky. However, when it comes to the crunch, I still hold the belief that I would much rather have quality time with someone because actually time is the greatest gift I could be given, or give to someone for that matter. 

*name changed 

Online dating: this is why I won't click on your profile

Often I find myself in discussions about online dating. The pros. The cons. The surprises when you meet them in person.... It is undeniable that as more and more of our lives move online that relationships do - or at least the introductions. 

As you have possibly read, in earlier posts, I have done a fair share of online dating. I have a bit of a love hate relationship with it. I love it because it is easy and accessible but hate it because it is so time consuming and has typically been unsuccessful in finding a real connection with anyone. This is after a decade long commitment to it. 

As I have scrolled through endless profiles over the years, I can hear the voices of friends in my life (typically guys) ask me "why don't women click on my profile?" I feel for them, they are decent guys. As part of my own search for love I have naturally been  online profiles. Then I noticed why I wasn't clicking on most of them. There was a theme. It was due to the opening headlines of some of guys online profiles. Here are some examples and my thoughts about why I didn't bother to reach out to them......

Darren, 36 "What can I say? Okay so a bit about me....This is the part I normally stuff up..."

What do I think? "Darren, it would appear that you are correct - you have already stuffed it up! At least you are honest, I suppose."


Mike, 31 "I am a lawyer. I love my occupation. I love working."

My thoughts are, "Must be time to get back to work Mike, or even, time to find some hobbies or even a life or even your identity. Mike you are more than your job!"


Dave, 33 "Have fun, live, grow!"

My response, "Are you a motivational coach Dave? Perhaps you are on the wrong website?"


Adam, 35 "I am fairly centered when those around me tend to lose their heads."

What do I think, "Adam, what type of people do you hang with? No wonder you are only 'fairly centered'.... what does 'lose their heads' even mean? In fact, never mind, I am off! " 

NEXT.

Sam, 34 "Cheeky."

I have no words for this. 


Mike, 39 "Maldives, Dubai and Paris are the places we would visit together."

My thoughts are, "Mike, you sound full of it. I don't even know if I want a coffee with you, let alone go on a long haul flight to the other side of the world. Bon voyage!"


Jack, 30 "Hmmmm I guess I am kind."

This one got me thinking "Jack you need to take some time to find yourself and find out exactly who you are, and whether you are actually kind. 'Guessing' you are kind, is not enough for me. I need someone who knows who he is - without taking a guess." I guess I know enough about you already.


Cam, 28 "I am clumsy but generally competent."

What? This is how you are introducing yourself to me? What does 'generally' competent mean? These are traits, who are you Cam? Can the real Cam please stand up!


Ian, 33 "Easy going guy that likes to laugh."

Does anyone not enjoy laughing? Is it even possible to not enjoy laughing? 


Frank, 38 "Easy going guy that likes to laugh."

This sounds familiar, do you ever go by the name of Ian?


Matt, 27, "Easy going guy that likes to laugh."

Okay so you have also paid for someone to write your profile?! Creative. Generic, boring and sounds suspicious...maybe a fake profile, or catfish. Whatever the case I am not interested in finding out anymore. Bye.

Perhaps I am a bit harsh but there are so many profiles to scroll through that you simply cannot click on each one of them. It is a needle in a hay-stack type of operation and time consuming enough as it is. So for me, and probably many other woman (and men), having opening headlines like the above make it easier to eliminate people from the list, especially those who don't seem to have a clear grasp of who they are. 

My advice is to really think about who you are and to concisely communicate that in your headline. Be accurate, honest and be aware of humour - it doesn't always come across well when written, as opposed to in person. Even if you are an easy going guy that likes to laugh, tell me more, be more specific about WHO you are and what makes you tick. After all the whole point of dating is getting to know someone.

I didn't believe in love at first sight until I saw him!

Dating has been rather challenging for me over the course of my life, as you can probably gather from the tons of articles I have written on the subject. While I try and maintain a level of optimism and hope that one day it will all be worthwhile, I also try and be rather realistic about how things may go and have very few expectations along the way. 

I have previously said that I don't believe in soul mates and the idea of love at first sight, unless you need to go to SpecSavers. It is all just a bit far fetched, for me. I realize it  may be that is possible, but  probably only if chocolate is involved... or David Beckham and yet when I did eventually meet Becks I was a bit underwhelmed and so instead asked him "where's Victoria?!" Reinforcing my point that love is a bit more than the blinking of an eye.

All of these mindsets that I have held for so long were well and good until I saw HIM! This is what happened....

I was having dinner in a nice restaurant with a girlfriend and a few random people I had never met before. For some reason I looked up our eyes met (yes, just like in the movies, there were probably even angels singing the Hallelujah chorus too) and my entire being screamed YES!  It was the first time that I had ever had that kind of reaction when initially seeing someone - YES. Simple. Clear. Direct. YES!

Everything about him was "YES". 

Thankfully I was able to silently scream YES, another miracle in the story! As our eyes met, I quickly looked away and just as quickly looked back. He was still looking at me! I blushed. Still I was transfixed on him. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was magnetic.

As he walked past our dinner table, my eyes followed him and I could no longer hear my friend talking to me (even though she has a voice like a fog horn) nor could I or feel my hunger pains (we had a late booking at the restaurant!). My heart was beating so hard that I was sure he could hear it. Perhaps it even registered on the Richter Scale?!. 

Who was this incredible being? 

I had to find out who this wonderful man was! While I didn't actually know that he was indeed wonderful, there was something that made me sense it - I simply just knew it. He was good looking  for sure but there was more to him than that... something deeper. For the majority of the dinner I failed to eat much and could barely speak and as I was transfixed on him. 

Before me was possibly the only opportunity I had in meeting this man. So I was desperately trying to plot all kinds of ways to speak to him.....maybe I could accidentally (on purpose) fall into his table and he could rescue me? Or perhaps I could get one of the waiters to slip him my details? Or even if I had a really big net I could simply....never mind. 

I had to remind myself that I knew nothing at all about this handsome stranger and for all I knew he was married with children, or even gay! Yet there was some undeniable connection between us, I felt something....maybe it was just our mutual hunger for dinner yet I couldn't deny there was some eye contact and even the exchange of a few smiles. Something was going on...

As the evening drew to a close it was increasingly clear that it was pretty impossible for us to meet that night. While I had thought up a few ridiculous ways of initiating conversation there wasn't much I could realistically do. Unless I was okay with the possibility of being sectioned under the Mental Health Act, something that I did consider deeply while trying to focus on eating my salmon. Nope, this one I will leave to the Divine to bring us together again if only it is meant to be.....

The story doesn't end here, except today, for you, it does! So what is the moral in all of this? In short, the things we think and tell ourselves to be 'truths' may not be as true as we think. Sometime Divine intervention is actually all you truly need...

....to be continued.