Living the dream.....?

There is something highly attractive about a man who knows what he wants from life and going after exactly that. I know this can be tough and finding your way can be hard but stepping out and finding your life's purpose by trying different things is also a great way to keep progressing and moving forwards. Being passive and waiting for the writing to appear on the wall is probably not the type of divine intervention that will shed light on what to do with the time and skills that you have been blessed with.

When I met Billy* we got on okay and had a great conversation and I was feeling hopeful. We met at TGI Fridays and had dinner, of course it was a Friday night, and overall the night was going really well. We got on nicely, had a few things in common and discussed our travel plans. 

Billy shared with me his life long dream. It felt like a very intimate moment as Billy started pouring out his heart, explaining to me his love of country music, although he persists in a job he isn't passionate about. Billy, it seems, was actually a talented musician and had been paid to sing for a number of famous artists, so famous I can't actually recall any of their names, but if I could, be assured, you would be very impressed.

VERY IMPRESSED.

Billy's dream was to follow his love of country music to its origins in Nashville Tennessee. Sounds fair to me.

I asked him when he was going to make this epic and life changing trip and he looked at me blankly. I repeated my question. Billy replied, "I can't go." What?! 

My mind began to wonder about all of the reasons why this could be.... perhaps he needed a passport, or had a sick family member he needed to attend to (how kind he must be) or no, perhaps he was actually wanted by the authorities for doing something terrible, or maybe he had an incurable fear of flying or something else.... I had to get to the bottom of this and asked him, "why?" and his response shocked me. 

"It is too expensive."

Travel is always expensive, in both money and time. I was not shocked that the cost would be a barrier to Billy fulfilling his dream but I was shocked that he felt the expense would prevent his dream from ever being a reality. Surely that is the biggest cost in life, not living your dreams?! Indeed, Billy had not put in place any goals or plans to make his dream a reality.

Billy was a dreamer, not a doer.

Keep in mind I am not only a fairly practical woman (unless DIY or other home renovations are involved) and on top of that I am also an immigrant to Australia, when I followed my dream to move here, so I was entirely bemused that Billy would let cost be such a barrier to him. My concern for Billy was not from a place of judgement but of personal experience. I once heard a wonderful quote that travel is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer. That is richer in life experiences and all that stuff. I agree. I felt heart ache that poor Billy felt he could never even consider achieving his dream.

I took out my mobile phone (usually a banned item from the dinner table) and searched for flights from Sydney to Nashville the leaving the next day. I asked Billy how much he anticipated the cost to be. It turned out the actual cost of the tickets for his dream trip were only one third of what he had expected. When I informed Billy of this fact he was shocked. He couldn't believe it. Then I realized Billy hadn't even researched his 'dream' trip. He hadn't come close to taking any steps at all to make his dream a reality.

NOTHING.

We are all on different journeys and this is not to judge Billy or other people in similar situations. However, I strongly believe in taking up every opportunity that life gives us because making the most of life is so important.

I had to restrain myself from marching Billy to the airport and loading him on to a plane to Nashville that evening - just to make sure he got there. Instead as the evening came to a close I cheekily told him, "It was a nice evening getting to know you. It would be great for you to call me to meet up again - when you have got back from Nashville because I want to hear all about it." Interestingly, Billy hasn't called me since and I just hope he is still in Nashville having such a blast that he has forgotten all about me.

*name changed to Billy sounds like the name of a famous country music singer, don't you think?!

The Lucky Escape...

Sometimes when a relationship doesn't work out it isn't sad at all but in fact a relief that it is over. 

The end of something bad, can actually be really good! 

If a relationship isn't working out then it can be best for both parties to move on sooner rather than later. Hindsight is great for discerning a lucky relationship escape, especially if you see how the course of their life goes and perhaps experience relief that you are no part of it! 

I can wholeheartedly say that I have had many lucky escapes. In fact, most, if not all, of my failed relationships are lucky escapes! There have been a couple of guys I have dated over the years, who seemed okay at the time, but now looking back, I thank God that those relationships were never more than a short term thing!

I thank God for my lucky escapes.

As time goes on and your respective lives take their course, things can become even more clear just how unsuitable you were for each other, which may not have been as obvious while you were dating.Getting to know someone is part of the course and discerning whether you are compatible and if you're not provides your cue to move on.

Granted, it can take a while to get to know someone well and early on in a relationship there can be a focus on chemistry or the physical attraction that you have towards each other, of course this generally dissolves with time, leaving a questionable basis for a solid relationship. 

Staying in a relationship for too long is harmful for both parties. I think the key to a lucky escape is knowing when to move on and acting on it, after all if you know it isn't right then it doesn't serve either of you to draw out breaking up when it is inevitable. 

Unhealthy relationships should be addressed, to protect yourself and the other person. The alternative is to stay and try and make something work that won't. Why put a square peg in a round hole? 

While I have had a couple of lucky escapes over the years, I also think that for each of the guys in question who it didn't work out with were also lucky escapees! I am sure they would agree with the wisdom of hindsight! Indeed, my lucky escapes have been lucky for both parties because either we really weren't matched well or there was some other issue that would eventually lead to relationship doom.

So lucky escapes go both ways!

I have had a couple of ex-boyfriends move on and now be happily married, and I genuinely couldn't be more delighted for them. At the same time, I am also delighted for myself being no part of something that wasn't going to work out so beautifully! Seeing how their lives have developed has only reinforced to me that things do work out in the end, but perhaps not in a way you expect at a certain moment in time. 

So is it really a lucky escape or simply relationships that were never going to work out well?!... Either way I am grateful for the outcome, which is always a good reminder whenever a door closes!

Can Ex's be friends?

This could be my shortest ever blog post because from where I sit the answer to the question of whether you can be friends with your ex is very simple. 

No.

Ex's are ex's not friends. They come into your life and then they go. I can see that there could be the desire to keep them in your life, you liked them, maybe even loved them....perhaps the romance faded over time or you were simply left with a friendship and not an empty shell of what was once a romantic connection, so possibly a friendship would work out but why have the added baggage of a failed romance as part of that friendship? 

If  there are children involved I can certainly appreciate that the situation is different and that there are very real responsibilities that need to be the focus of the relationship. Even so, that does not necessarily mean it is a friendship. Or perhaps if your ex was a friend before you got together, then perhaps the situation would be a bit different. However, if they have only ever had a romantic connection in your life, then the transition to friendship is new and I would argue much more complicated. It is not impossible to be friends with your ex, many people admirably are, but why would you want that? There are other ways to get more friends than transition ex's into the friend-zone. 

How can you move on in life if you are still hanging out with your ex? What message does that say to new relationship prospects? I know I wouldn't be a fan of dating someone who still was friends with his ex. No thanks buddy. 

Perhaps the question is SHOULD you be friends with your ex? 

What are the implications on your life and the lives of others if you do move forwards with a friendship? An ex is the result of a broken relationship. I feel it is best to take the brokenness and move on, find healing and to do that independently - you have broken up with them after-all. 

Maybe, at the most, after a few eons, or another ice age, then there could be space for a glimmer of a friendship but from where I am sat that would be little more than a quick "hello how are you?" as I am walking by getting on with my own business. 

I'm looking for my best friend and having an ex in your life is likely to put him off, so I need to sacrifice what is already in the past in order to find him. Equally I want my ex's to have the same freedom to do exactly the same. Naturally, I wish them well, care for them and their family and friends as well, but there is a separation that is required in order to move on in life, that is why you split up - to not be together! Yes a friendship is very different but the dynamic is never the same after you have been so close to someone. An ex brings a different dynamic to a relationship than any other type of friendship and I am not looking for that dynamic in my friendships. 

Relationships aren't just about the two people in a couple but others impacted as a result, whether that is children or future partners or spouses. I think a level of care and respect is essential and that can only be discerned on a case by case basis. For me, nope, I will not be friends with an ex, I don't want to be single forever, which could be the case if I didn't have a firm line with this. 

Maybe you could see it as a mark of respect for my future husband. 

So if your name is Matthew, Mark, Luke or John, or something similar, or even totally different but you were once my boyfriend, then don't rush to get in contact, or in fact ever contact me again, because while I wish you well, we weren't friends in the first place, not really. Not in the way my other friends are friends.So be free, find happiness and leave me well alone!