To date or not to date, that is the question?

The glorious first date is such an important part of any dating timeline. I should know, I have had plenty of them. There is so much happening on a first date that the stress and excitement of the whole thing can be quite full on. 

Having a suitable location for that all important first encounter is essential. Indeed, it must be accessible and comfortable but not too noisy and, in my mind, it must facilitate good conversation. Yes, these are a few factors that I think help to get things off to a good start.

As you may have noticed by now, my personal preference is having a coffee in a cafe somewhere, which facilitates getting to know each other through conversation. Of course my coffee addiction does lend itself towards the type of venue that deals in caffeinated beverages, as well as the fact that within a reasonable time frame you can either get another drink if things are going well, or go your separate ways. I should note that I am open to doing something different on a first date - depending on what it is...

I had come across Heath* online. We had messaged and then spoke a few times on the phone before agreeing that we should meet up. As with most first interactions there always appears to be positive commonalities, mixed in with an uncertain apprehension due to the sheer unexpected. As you may have read, many of my dates can have all manner of things take place and so I never feel fully prepared.

Maybe that was an understatement? I am NEVER FULLY PREPARED.

One evening Heath and I were discussing exactly where we would meet for the first time. It was all about the location. Heath lived about an hours drive away from me and he was keen not to have to travel too far to see me! At least he was honest. Seeing as he didn't know me, I didn't take his lack of chivalry personally and valued his up front approach. Petrol is expensive after all!

Don't go out of your way Heath!

I agreed to meet him in a suburb about mid-way between where we both lived. Heath disagreed. He had simply been to that suburb before! Okay, I suggested that perhaps Heath should come up with some other options because I didn't know him well enough to know exactly where he had and hadn't been before! Heath took his time with this, what some would call, a minor task.

It started to feel like hard work.

Usually a first date would last anywhere from 1-3 hours, yet here was Heath pondering over the location as if he was going to move house and take up residence there until death do he part. I was starting to question his decision making ability, but equally wanted to give him the space to come up with something. Maybe he would suggest somewhere fascinating?

Finally, Heath suggested a location. Great! I was ready to agree, just because he had finally made a decision, until I heard him say, "the Royal National Park"! 

The Royal National Park??????????????????

Heath wanted me to meet him in the forest?! I had visions flash across my mind of terrible crime stories where the poor woman never comes out alive. What was this guy thinking? The Royal National Park! There was only one thing I could say to such a delightful offer!...

NO

I do not have a font big enough on this blog to tell you how much of a firm and final NO Heath was given. I am actually still quite perplexed as to why he thought I would willingly meet a complete stranger in a forest, in the middle of nowhere! 

Fellow daters, please NEVER, EVER meet anyone you are dating (especially for the first time or too early on) in a forest!....Or anywhere without too many people around for that matter. 

Heath was very upset at my sheer refusal to even entertain the idea of meeting him in the national park, instead suggesting that I should trust him. I reminded Heath that trust is to be earned and not given and actually I didn't know him. It also probably didn't help that I may have mentioned the word axe-murderer as part of my explanation, and he took great offence. 

I think it was a combination of my shock and somewhat active imagination, that bombarded poor Heath with such a resounding NO. Perhaps he felt that I didn't want to meet him at all. It had taken Heath about 5 days to come up with his dire suggestion. I tried to positively encourage Heath that we could go to a cafe near the Royal National Park - a nice compromise I thought. This would mean there are other people around and it isn't so isolated. Heath didn't want to do that and by now I was doubting whether Heath and I were ever going to meet. It was simply too hard and if it is that hard from the outset, then a well functioning relationship would surely be doomed. I could see it all rolling out before my very eyes!

What is the moral of this story? Well location does matter when going on a date. My personal preference is very simple - coffee and conversation. I don't care too much if it is somewhere that uses 5 star coffee beans which were digested by a goat, or somewhere suitable for Her Royal Highness - that isn't what it is about. No. A good date, for me, is when in hindsight, you forget the location because it becomes such a minor detail. Rather, the memory is about connecting with each other and the quality time you have together. 

Usually the  meeting place for a date is not important unless it is a safety concern or it becomes a sticking point between you both. This was my key learning from my disagreement with Heath and his resulting conclusion that I was being unreasonable for not trusting him enough to meet him in the middle of the forest! 

It is sad that Heath couldn't accept that a meeting location should be agreed upon together and be somewhere where we both feel comfortable. I just hope he eventually made it to the Royal National Park. 

I was mildly amused that Heath felt I was being so unreasonable, which made me question further his true intentions. I wondered what other more important things in life Heath would see in the same way. 

Either way, I didn't ever get to meet Heath. 

In the end I didn't need to meet Heath and I wasn't upset about our non-date. We didn't actually need to meet for me to realize we were not compatible. In fact this was one very efficient dating experience! I almost feel I need a medal or some other award for such efficiency? Or better still the Guinness Book of Records! Yes, this could indeed be a world record! 

*name changed because in some national parks there are heath lands. I feel the guy in question would appreciate this due to his extreme desire to go to the Royal National Park and calling him Royal, National or Park, would just be weird. 

Monologue Man...

As it is probably rather evident by now, I am a people person. I definitely enjoy a good conversation and appreciate dates where we can chat away getting to know each other. What better way to get to know each other, than an enlightening two sided conversation?

I had met Steven* online and chatted a bit but I really had no idea what I was in for and that is part of the fun of meeting new people. His profile seemed okay but his picture didn't give many clues as to what he looked like, mainly because it was the size of my little toe nail (that is VERY small, in case you aren't familiar with my toe nails). This was a problem...not so much because I was concerned about whether he was a rival for George Clooney, but more that I'd like to be able to accurately identify who I am actually having my lunch date with! Great. So I was about to turn up to a date and meet....I don't know who!

Happily we had agreed a meeting spot that was quite prominent so we would be unlikely to mistake each other.

I have always prided myself on being open and honest with my online presence because at the end of the day I don't want to mislead anyone or have a date based on false information. It is too much creative effort for me to overemphasize who I am and besides once you meet any inaccurate or exaggerated information soon becomes pretty clear - not the best start to any relationship! Who wants to start a relationship based on lies? It is just a waste of everyone's time. I knew that at least that Steven would be able to accurately identify me, even though I was clueless as to what he looked like! 

What an adventure....

As I drove past the meeting spot to find a parking space I lock eyes on a sole man at the meeting spot waiting. It could only be Steven. To say Steven was aesthetically challenged would be a major complement. I reassured myself that, regardless of aesthetics, people are valuable and perhaps Steven and I may connect in another way. I definitely think that true attraction develops over time. I simply had to get to know Steven in order to determine any true attraction. Yes, that became my plan of action, like with all other dates, simply get to know him.

GET TO KNOW HIM.

We headed across to a nearby cafe and Steven was chatting away about his day. He served in the Australian Army and had some interesting stories. He had done a range of other interesting things as well as some less interesting things that he also mentioned - at great length. I made a few attempts to interject and add my perspective or comment but miserably failed as the monologue continued endlessly.

After preaching extensively on something to do with cricket, he finally asked me, "do you like cricket?" I was happy to finally be included in the conversation and honestly replied with a confident, "no" hoping the conversation would divert to another subject matter. Steven continued on his monologue about cricket! I was surprised and amused that despite my blatant disinterest in cricket Steven continue to talk about what he wanted to talk about, even though it was a subject that bored me.

He seemed totally unaware that I was even present.

It became clear that Steven wanted to be listened to more than he wanted to get to know me. I tried to contort my face into the best expression that says "I am listening" as I started to mentally plan my grocery list for the week.

I became aware that behind Steven was a mirror and from where I was sitting I could watch other people in the cafe coming and going. There was another couple at the table behind us, possibly on a date as well - they were happily chatting together and laughing. Their date appeared to be more interactive.

Suddenly the chatter of Steven's voice comes to a halt as I catch the last few words he says, "and what do you think Jo?" I had no idea what Steven had been talking about as I had totally tuned out. That will teach me! I was elsewhere in my mind and had efficiently finished my grocery list and was now on a shopping trip with my girlfriends in Hawaii. I love Hawaii....and shopping.....and my girlfriends, of course.

I look at Steven, making my eyes wide, attempting to buy time, as if I am actually very engaged with whatever he had been saying and try hard to portray that I am about to come out with an enlightening response. Then declare, "I agree" and with that Steven's next monologue began.

I had obviously said the right thing and hoped I hadn't agreed to something terrible but the moment quickly passed - unlike the date which seemed to drag on for a decade. I decide that perhaps this was how the dinosaurs had died out, due to boring monologue dates? Probably. 

I did learn a lot about Steven. He is passionate about the things he fills his life with, which is admirable. However, I was disappointed that Steven seemed to take such little interest in me and who I am. As we got about half way through the date I was expecting Steven to relax a bit and flip the conversation on to me, as had been my experience before with talkers. After all dating can be a nerve wracking experience which does result in some people nervously talking. I was ready in anticipation to talk about my interests and hobbies and to respond to the upcoming questions that Steven would surely fire at me. He didn't.

The monologue continued.

The monologue continued. I didn't want to impose my own opinions or boisterously take the lead and interrupt him, it isn't all about me. No, this date, was all about him. This isn't to criticize Steven, one of my core objectives was indeed to get to know him and my knowledge of him was certainly growing by the minute.

The very positive part of the date was that, despite Steven's lack of engaging me in his speech, I got to know him so  well that it became very clear that sadly we actually weren't compatible. I had no desire to see him again. I had made this discovery without even having to disclose much about myself.

Conversely, Steven adored me! Of course he did. This was quite an easy trap for him because I patently put on my listening face on and accidentally agreed every time I was put on the spot about something, being zapped back to reality from my day dreaming.

Naturally, Steven didn't really adore me, he just thought he did. Sadly, Steven simply didn't get to know me but he liked that I had 'listened' to him. Perhaps that is the biggest lesson of all?

It did make me sad to imagine that maybe Steven didn't have many people in his world that would listen to him. He had really valued that I had sat in his presence silently for most of the date, yet it was ironic that wasn't prepared to listen to me! Throughout the whole time we spent together, I barely uttered anything more than "smashed avocado on toast and a soy latte please" for the entire two hour duration of the date.

The most prevalent thing I did manage to blurt out was "my parking is about to expire" (which is one of my favorite escape mechanisms that I have developed over the years - never pay for more than 2 hours parking when going on a date, especially a first date!). Steven made a few kind suggestions about maybe getting a new parking ticket or doing something else together but I made my excuses and dashed for the car!

As I reflect on Steven and his monologue I realise that I have actually had multiple dates with guys who are very similar to Steven. They just blab on and on without asking a single question to involve me in the discussion. Perhaps it was nerves? Or the exuding passion they have for cricket (or whatever)? Or maybe I portray that there is nothing more to me than what meets the eye?

If I was looking for a sermon I would be in church, if I wanted a monologue I would go to the theater but I was looking for a partner and so I hoped for a conversation. Maybe next time...

*name changed in a poor attempt to disguise the chatter-box.

When the right things are still wrong..…

Lucas* was younger than me. This was a first but then younger men seem to work out well for the likes of Madonna and J-Lo so surely they can’t do me any harm? Or maybe not…

I had met Lucas a couple of times and while we had always had a pleasant time together, I wasn’t sure that we were a good match and that is exactly why we kept on dating – to be sure.

It was a glorious summer evening when things began unraveling between us. Lucas had absolutely insisted that he pick me up in his car and drive us into the city for a mystery date. I would have preferred to catch the bus and meet him there but eventually gave in after he explained that he wanted to be the perfect gentleman. I resisted my independent urge and relented into agreeing - he did have to drive past my street on his way.

When I met Lucas outside of my unit block I was taken aback by his attire. It was like I was looking at a bubble bath, literally A BUBBLE BATH. I don’t know what had happened to Lucas but he was wearing a short sleeved, black, dress shirt, which would have been ok except it was covered with a white bubble print pattern, ALL over it.

I didn’t know such a thing had ever been created, let alone ever been purchased!

Anyway, I positively decided to move on because it is very easy to have a fashion faux pas these days and perhaps other people would see his shirt as genius….especially people who need glasses.

I take a deep breath and get into the car. Lucas insisted on opening the door of his Barina for me and waiting until I was in the car, with my seat-belt safely fastened, before closing the door for me. It felt a bit like I had become an invalid or maybe he was in fact Mr Darcy? Either way, I knew Lucas was being thoughtful and kind, which was really lovely of him, so I went along with it.

Before I know it we are speeding down the freeway happily chatting away and all was going well. That is until I noticed Lucas was actually entirely focused on me and looking directly at me as I spoke and not looking at the road at all. I quickly turned in alarm to look at the road and to my absolute horror we were speeding towards a line of cars waiting at red traffic lights.

“STOP!” I yell at the top of my voice, letting go of all reservations as I switched into survival mode. Lucas slammed on the breaks in an emergency stop. I don’t know how we didn’t hit the car ahead of us, it was nothing short of a miracle that we didn’t go straight into the back of them. My heart was beating like I had just taken on Usain Bolt in the 100m Olympic final. The shock made me want to cry and I knew I should have taken the bus. For probably the first time in my life, I fall into silence. I hope that this is the most eventful moment of the evening.

THIS. MUST. GET. BETTER.

Lucas seemed disturbed by my sudden silence and resorted into profusely apologizing to me. I try to be polite and encourage him to focus on the road even though I was still in shock having seen my life flash before my eyes. Incredibly Lucas continued to look directly at me and not the road. I know I am not THAT captivating! JUST LOOK AT THE ROAD! He continues to apologise which results in him taking a wrong turn and so we end up driving in the opposite direction from the city and across the Sydney Harbour Bridge! Great, another twenty minutes were added to this date! I start to get both annoyed and frustrated at poor Lucas. I feel ready to go home and did consider asking Lucas to pull over so that I could escape yet I knew that he would be very upset if I did that, so I let the night go on in the hope things would improve.

SURELY. THIS. MUST. IMPROVE.

The surprise date was that we were going for drinks in a cocktail bar. It also happened to be the same cocktail bar I had mentioned I had visited the week prior. While I like the odd cocktail it isn’t really a weekly necessity for me but it was very lovely that Lucas had remembered that I had a nice time there and so there I was again! Anyway, after the near-death adventure to get there I definitely needed to celebrate our safe arrival with a drink.

Lucas generously insisted on buying the drinks and I patiently waited for my mojito (extra lime and mint – to help with my five daily servings of fruit and veggies). Lucas seemed to be fussing around with something with the cashier. I wait a bit more, convincing myself I am growing in the art of patience. After what felt like an eternity, I check if my date was ok. 

Lucas had forgotten his credit card PIN and like any grown adult would do, was calling his dad for assistance. I mentally put myself in a strait jacket to stop myself from throwing cash in his direction. I didn’t want to offend him but then I notice the queue of agitated people behind us and I promptly pulled out a $50 note from my purse and hand it to the frustrated bar tender who gave me a pitied look.

Surely this cannot be for real? Who doesn’t know their pin number? Perhaps poor Lucas was nervous? I made a mental note to be extra kind and positive in a bid to rescue the evening.

We grabbed some seats in the sun and sipped our drinks and I tried to move the conversation on to find areas of common interest between us. 

“So Lucas, have you traveled much?” I asked optimistically, “no” was his closed reply. I try again, “Where would you like to travel to?” with a bit of a shrug he quizzically replied with, “maybe Canberra?” Canberra? Really? OK!

I tried asking Lucas more about why he would like to visit, what some people argue is, the most boring city in Australia. However, the conversation was once again at a dead end. It was like getting blood from a stone. Perhaps travel isn’t his thing. I become determined to try and find something to get him to open up and actually converse with me.

I realized I had drank my cocktail much quicker than intended, perhaps now it was finally home time? Then to my dismay, Lucas announced we were going to have dinner in an Indian restaurant, a cuisine which I had mentioned I very much enjoy. Maybe he is redeeming himself after all. 

Great work Lucas! 

We had a lovely table reserved and the menu was incredible. There were so many great options so I was really surprised when Lucas chose the butter chicken – the least Indian dish on the menu. I had gone for a spicy eggplant curry and insisted he try it because it was so incredibly delicious. I was quite surprised to see that not only had Lucas barely touched his butter chicken but that he was really unnerved by the idea of trying my eggplant curry.

I quizzed him…”what is wrong with eggplant?” he slowly replied saying, “I may not like it” this didn’t appear to be much of a justification for not doing something, so I said, “but you also may like it”. I generously scooped a large portion of my curry and dolloped it onto his place. Reluctantly Lucas took the smallest morsel of the curry and delicately placed it in his mouth as if perhaps it was laced with poison. 

I looked on at him expectantly for the impending joy that was about to flash across his face as his taste buds become awakened by the deliciousness he experiences. Instead Lucas starts making strange noises, coughing and going red. He must be choking! Suddenly the waiter appeared and delivered a large glass of milk to relieve Lucas and I realized that he doesn’t like spice! Naughtily, I cannot resisting asking him, “would you like some more?”

After dinner I inform Lucas of how incredibly tired I had suddenly become and that I really must head home straight away and off we head back to the car park. I slowly get into the car, aware that I may not get out alive. I duck under a really low hanging sign above the parking spot and then I hear a massive BANG. 

I notice Lucas is rubbing his head! I secretly wonder if I have been set up and the date is a big joke caught on camera for the enjoyment of everyone else. My childish sense of humour wants to laugh at poor Lucas walking straight into the sign which ironically read “Warning Low Ceiling” yet the evening was so eventful that I couldn't see the funny side and instead was just annoyed. 

What else could happen in one evening?

Of course, once security had released us from the car park (poor Lucas had lost the parking ticket) and then another emergency stop on the freeway - yes, he was STILL looking directly at me and not the road (I am serious, I am not THAT creative!) and the night is over so we say goodbye.

I knew I wouldn’t see Lucas again.

Lucas reiterated to me that he had tried really hard that evening - which he really did. In fact Lucas had done everything that his dad had told him to. Maybe that was the problem, Lucas had been trying too hard? Maybe I had inadvertently dated his dad and not Lucas at all.

Some dates get tainted with a silly moments that can’t be helped, like falling off of your chair or accidentally saying the wrong thing, but this entire date was composed solely of those types of moments, for the whole evening.

How is it possible that so much can happen on one date? Ordinarily, this many events wouldn’t happen to me in a year, let alone one evening. Could it be possible that Lucas had done all of this on purpose to entertain me? Or perhaps it was a joke and I had in fact been set up? Maybe he knew I wrote a blog and felt I needed better content?!

Actually poor Lucas just had a shocking evening where everything went against him despite the fact that he did all the right things by me, there was no connection between us as. We simply had very little in common and that is just the way it is sometimes. I would actually highly recommend other women date Lucas because he is a really nice person but just don’t feed him spicy curry or talk to him while driving!

*name changed to preserve his future dating potential.

Andy's way or the highway…..

While getting to know a prospective partner it is not unusual to discuss the outworking of the most important aspects of each of your lives and how you can or cannot compromise in order to see if your relationship can continue to move forwards, together.

After I had been on about three of four coffee dates with Andy* we started to have deeper conversations about the most important areas we respectively valued in our lives. We got on quite well but then I tend to, generously, like most people if a soy latte is involved. We did have quite a few things in common; we were very similar in many ways so things were looking promising.

Soon Andy popped the question – would I meet his friends! It seemed like a great way to learn more about each other and get to know the most important people in his world. Great! I liked that he has taken the lead in including me in his life and we made arrangements to catch up with his buddies the next week.

The evening was very similar to an evening I would have spent with my nearest and dearest friends and we even met at a familiar restaurant that I had often visited with my chums! I pretended that I didn’t know the menu off by heart and secretly hoped the wait staff (who knew me by name) wouldn’t bust my cover as I tried to play it cool with the incredible discovery that we were so alike! I worked hard to silence the wedding bells that I could hear chiming in my head.

The whole evening was perfect and I got along very well with Andy’s friends and so he asked if I would hang out with them again. This felt like quite a significant step in our relationship and so I agreed.  Naturally I wanted to continue to invest in both Andy as well as the people that he valued most in the world.

Fast forward a few weeks and I found I had been out with Andy’s pal’s more than I had with my own! Worse still, during this time with Andy and his friends I had actually neglected many of my own friends - one of which even asked me if I had developed an infectious disease because of the long delay since meeting up (for the record I didn’t have an infectious disease and still don’t). I felt guilty and sad that things had got to this state.

I missed my buddies and decided it was high time that Andy bite the bullet and meet them. I had actually mentioned this previously to Andy but for some reason he always had excuses as to why it wasn’t possible. Suddenly it was increasingly important that Andy made the effort and finally met my friends as well. It was both essential and urgent to me and besides, it seemed only fair, after all relationships are a two way thing and all about compromise, or so I have heard.

It turned out that Andy completely disagreed with my relationship values of fairness and equity when he simply flat out refused to meet my friends. Indeed, there was absolutely no way Andy would so much as consider the idea. I was perplexed by this, especially because our respective friends and haunts were so similar – in some cases, the same!

What was the issue?

I tried hard to engage with Andy to understand why he didn’t want to spend time with me and my friends – they are great people, he would be privileged to know them. It seemed that Andy was happy with his friends and didn't feel the need for any more. Alas there was nothing for me to comprehend aside from the sad fact that if it was something that Andy didn’t want to do, then Andy quite simply wouldn’t do it. This wasn't just about Andy meeting my friends but was a theme throughout Andy's life - if he didn't want to do something, he wouldn't and this even included moving out from his parents’ home, seeing the dentist and eating green vegetables.

This stubborn determination of “my way or the highway” made me very sad because there was no compromises at all from Andy. Nothing. Even when I had explained to Andy the importance of him meeting my friends and what it would mean to me; his answer was still “NO”.

Andy had the mindset that “if it isn’t broke why fix it?” yet life just isn’t that simple, there is a rich diversity in different experiences and trying new things. Sadly this wasn’t something that Andy was willing to explore. It really was his way or nothing and Andy’s closed mindset was reflected throughout a vast array of other areas in his life. The reality for my time with Andy was that he wasn’t really interested in dating me at all, it was very clear that he simply just wanted to date himself and to my knowledge he continues to do just that.

*name slightly altered because it wasn’t broke…