Eliminating toxic relationships

There can be times when you realize that certain relationships are actually harmful to you. It could be that there is abuse, negativity, jealously, lack of trust or disrespect as a theme in the relationship which impacts you in a toxic way. Often it is unintentional that the friend or partner harms you but regardless it is unhealthy and so there comes a point where you may need to decide to end the relationship. 

Perhaps you need to block them from your life so that you can move forwards?

Relationships are two sided so even in a situation where there isn't balance the relationship can become harmful. Of course we all experience our ups and downs in relationships but toxicity is when there is a constant theme in the relationship that is destructive and this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship that needs to be examined.

I had a friend who I cared for very dearly who was always at least an hour late whenever we would meet up. Time after time, I would be left waiting as she would be constantly calling me reassuring me that she was just around the corner and not to leave yet or some other excuse. This went on for a number of years. I justified her behavior because she had a small child and had been in a difficult situation personally as well.  

Over time I did speak to her about her lateness and that it was upsetting for me yet her behavior continued. There was no change.

One evening we had agreed to meet up and it was a day that I really needed her friendship more than any other day of the year. My friend absolutely promised me that she would be on time on this occasion. I reminded her of her track record of serial lateness and she gave me her work that she would be at our agreed meeting place at 6pm. I hoped for the best.

By 8.30pm I left the meeting place alone and in tears. My friend was no where to be seen. She evidently couldn't be there for me, even though I had consistently been there for her. I realized that I needed friends who actually could be there for me and more so who would also respect my time, friendship and loyalty. 

It was a tough and sad for me to decide not to see that friend again, while I do miss her, I now spend more time with people who at least show up when we agree to meet! BONUS. Plus, I have never needed to wait around for hours for any of my friends to meet me! 

Being on time, or at least roughly on time, is so simple yet also so crucial in a friendship because not only was she always late, disrespecting my time but I couldn't trust her so whenever she said that she would meet me on time I simply didn't believe her, I knew she would be late - and she consistently reaffirmed this was the case.

What is a relationship without trust?

Letting go of someone in your life can cause sadness and grief, after all you care for  them. However, unhealthy relationships can cause so much harm that it can be detrimental to continue them. By letting go, and releasing toxic relationship, you can be free to pursue other relationships. By allowing a negative relationship to fester you may be blocking a healthy relationship from growing. 

By spending time with my friend who was always late, I was prohibited from spending time with other people. By letting my friend go, I gained more time and capacity to seek more meaningful and fruitful relationships. 

It may sound harsh but there could be relationships in your life that you need to remove.

Recently I had a friend say to me, "What can I do to be a better friend to you Jo?" and for me that was a great indication of the exact type of friendship I want to invest my time into.

I miss being single - 7 luxuries of singleness

“I miss being single” my married friend* declared over dinner on Friday evening. I was stunned. What on earth could my friend miss? She had been happily married for a few years and with her approval she taught me about some of the great luxuries of being single. 

Here are 7 reasons to cherish singleness!

1.      You can be more spontaneous.

This is a huge luxury because in a relationship there is often the need to consult with your partner, discuss and then compromise what you will do. This is not the case when you are single and you can just go with the flow, meandering along and seeing where the wind takes you. Ah the freedom!

2.      Decision making is easier.

In some ways this point is similar to the above. As a single person you can make decisions on according to your own rationale, without having to have enormous discussions on the best thing to do in any situation, from what'd for dinner to shall you move overseas is entirely up to you. Indeed, you can instantly decide you are moving to Auckland, pack your bags and go, without even discussing this life changing decision with anyone else. With a partner in tow the decision making process is not as straight forward.

3.      Social circles are simpler to navigate.

There are no in-laws or weird uni mates that your your partner  catches up with to navigate. The people you hang with are the ones you choose to spend time with because you love and care for them. By contrast having to spent your valuable free time with people you aren’t that close to, or in some cases you don't even particularly like, is nothing short but a labor of love. A labor that single people do not have to endure. Hurrrrrrah.

4.      Easy access to quiet time.

Getting that all important down time, where you can be alone and chill out is apparently much harder when you are not single. This is something that should be a cherished luxury by single people because for others this is as rare as hen’s teeth.

5.      Using your time as you decide.

Yes! As single people you do not need to do stuff you don’t care about, you know like standing on the sidelines of a muddy field, in  freezing cold weather, watching your partner play soccer. Similarly, you don't need to pretend that you are following the Premier League or that care about the off-side rule, when you are single. It is quite simple, you can do the stuff that you are passionate about and if you don’t care about it or don’t want to do something, then, mostly, you don’t need to do it. Yet if your partner has a keen passion for golf, or worse, cricket, then by default, so you do need to take some kind of active interest in it. 

6.      Accountability is mainly to yourself.

Buy the handbag, eat the doughnut – life is simply too short not to. And you can pretty much justify anything, according to your own reasoning, without the input of anyone else. Accountability is important, whether you are single or not, but equally you need to enjoy yourself as well and as a single person you can make your own rules with how you live your life.

7.      Flirting.

Yes, flirting. 

“I miss flirting. I flirt with my husband but it’s not the same”

These are the exact words of my married friend, who misses the freedom that she previously had to flirt with whoever she pleased, whenever she pleased. This is a great reminder to bat your eye lashes and enjoy the moments of flirting while you can!

There we have it, singleness isn’t a curse at all, it can be a blessing full of luxurious moments that couples simply do not have. If only it was packaged in the same way as other luxuries in life then it may seem more appealing.

*friend – thank you for your insights, they bring so much joy! 

How rebounds ruins relationships

It appears that there are some people who need to be in a relationship. NEED is the right word. They cannot exist and be a contributing member of society without this need being met. 

This was highlighted to me recently when a friend was telling me about the heartbreak of her breakup after more than a decade of being together. What was already a painful experience became much worse, when her beloved ex started a relationship with another woman within a month of their separation! Interestingly, the other woman was very recently divorced herself. This isn't just dating someone new but going into a full on relationship, which is even Facebook official, before the door has barely closed on the previous relationship. 

This got me thinking...

Why do some people quickly get into new relationships so soon after the end of a long term relationship? That is the last thing that I would want after heartbreak - jump in for some more! 

After meeting a nice guy recently, he told me what he was looking for in a woman. I was none of those things, especially as redhead was one his essential requirements. While he was nice, he was not the guy for me and we openly agreed we were both looking for different things. All good, we can be friends right?

Hmmm.

This guy proceeded to ask me out, multiple times and even invite me to all sorts of couple type events, including dinner at his place. It was never going to happen. I reminded him that he is not looking for someone like me and his response was "you're right, don't you ever just want a cuddle though?" I am sure his intentions were not pure but even if they were, do I want a cuddle? And one from him?

Ummmm, no actually. I don't. Not at all, ever. 

I cannot think of anything worse than being in the arms of someone I don't love and trust. Clearly this guy didn't think the same way and for him having anyone was more appealing than no one. Thankfully I have the self-confidence to know my value is far beyond wanting to merely fill the empty void in someone else's life. 

Void filler sounds like something you'd use to patch up a hole in a wall.

Do people move on so quickly to intentionally hurt their previous spouse? Probably. However, there are pros to this! I once dated a serial rebounder, Oliver* and after splitting up with him I hoped he would actually be successful in securing his next victim… I mean relationship, quickly, just to get him off my case! I am sad to say that he is totally incapable of being a good partner to anyone yet of course the poor woman he is dating will realize that in due course. 

Many people have rebound relationships but then why would anyone want to date someone who is trying to replace their ex? It is like you are functioning as a filler of a void, or even a bath plug, so that the water doesn't drain out! 

No thanks. 

After a relationship breakdown why would anyone in their right mind jump straight into another relationship? Surely that is the last thing that you would want to do? Unless you are not in your right mind? 

Perhaps the devastation of a break up, for some people, can only be resolved with a new relationship? Relationships are hard enough with two people coming together but with the added baggage of a recent breakup means it will surely be doomed.

Who wants an extra serving of heartbreak?

I have a theory that some people simply function better in a relationship and so when a relationship ends, they MUST find another one. I suppose it is a bit like when the toilet roll has been used up - it gets replaced, and quickly!

Don't be toilet roll!

Rebounders seem to find a new relationship so seamlessly that there appears to be a lack of grieving for the past relationship as the new relationship immediately takes precedence. For the ex of the rebounder this can compound an already painful experience, rubbing salt into an already deep wound. 

Relationship breakups require time for healing, grieving and moving on and I think for many people this is best done alone, with the support of loved ones but not a new partner.

Don't get me wrong we are all unique and there is of course a time when you do need to move on, stop licking your wounds and date again. Perhaps rebounders are just more effective at this? Maybe. However, I cannot help but wonder about the rebounder who is stock piling relationship wounds, back to back and how do they must really be feeling?

By going from relationship to relationship it is almost as if the initial relationship wasn't important or valued because it is quickly disposed of and forgotten. Surely that cannot be the case as new relationships are formed so quickly, perhaps the value is that they cannot let go of a relationship and so instead choose for something secondary to their preference because it is better than the absence of a relationship altogether. 

In the short term this may be okay but what about the person they are dating? The rebound, who may not even realize that they are the rebound and begin to emotionally invest into a relationship with someone who appears to be seeking a relationship but is actually incapable of sustaining one.

Perhaps that is why rebound relationships don't often last that long and aren't that healthy, because compounding unresolved issues is never a good starting point, especially when you are getting to know someone. 

The poor rebounder must be continually confused, with their head spinning wondering why they are so unlucky in love. They aren't bad people, they are wounded people and as a result can cause a trail of devastation, like a lost soul constantly searching for something that's never there.

What is actually lacking in a rebounder is something deep inside of them - something they will never find in a relationship.

The cycle of doing the same things repeatedly but in different relationships and never learning from the mistakes of the past results in a merry- go round of the same recuring issues but with different people. Never taking on board any lessons from the past but moving forwards as if stunted and frozen in time, destined to always do the same thing and never progress to anything more meaningful than another rebound....then another.....and another.

Where is happiness for the rebounder?

No wonder rebounders can't think straight and have healthy relationships, they need to take time and let the spin ware off and finally see the horizon for what it is in order to achieve a healthy relationship that will last. 

The ongoing cycle of relationship failure must surely, at some stage cause reflection and introspection, even asking the question - what went wrong? You can only point the finger at the other partner for so long, especially if the same recurring issues keep coming up but with different people over time.

The common factor in rebound relations are the rebounders themselves.

My opinion is that rebounders are unsuitable to date – they are great people and friends but as a partner I would sooner run for the hills and be thankful for my singleness, at least until they have worked through the issues of their past relationship.

My advice is to look out for people on the rebound and by no means consider them as date worthy. At the same time it is essential, that as single people, we also have the introspection to ensure that we are not culprits of rebound, causing someone else pain in their lives through any of our unresolved issues.

Who wants to hurt someone else? 

Surely love is the antithesis of pain?

So to be a good partner to anyone you must firstly deal with yourself, which is surely the best way to honour and love your next partner. It's a bit like before you take off on a plane and they talk through the emergency procedure…. if the oxygen in the cabin fails, first put on your own mask then go to others. It's not selfishness but it is about being able to be there for someone else and in order to fully be there, and not half in the past, chewed up by bitterness, but whole and complete, it takes time. I think that is what love is all about - being mature enough to think of others before you even know them and be fully aware of the damage you could cause in their life if you are not sorted in yours.

* Name changed to Oliver because like Oliver Twist he always demanded more. 

Tough Moments

As a single person there are things that you often have to do alone. It sounds obvious but there are certain moments in life when it would be better to have someone else to walk alongside you. I have given up complaining that there is no one to take the trash out for me once in a while. I am now over that but sometimes life would be a bit better to journey alongside someone who can share the highs and lows with you. Mainly the lows! 

You know the kind of moments I mean?....Like when there is a spider or cockroach trespassing in the house, or trying to open a jar for the first time.... building flat pack furniture, urgh. Those are some of the moments where I simply detest my singleness. Singleness, sometimes I loathe you!

There are other times when it would be nice, a luxury even, to have someone to hangout with and do fun stuff, like going to the movies or romantic walks along the beach but I can live without them, for now! I am thinking more about moments where it is practical to have a good guy in your life. 

A great one would be even better!

Currently I am going through the horrendous but exciting process of purchasing my first property. I imagine it to be a bit like childbirth, in as much as if you knew what was involved before you did it you wouldn't do it. To make matters worse for me, it has been a process that, of course, is nothing like my childhood fantasy where home ownership would seamlessly coincide with my wonderfully beautiful wedding and gorgeous husband. Nope. 

Absolutely not. 

In fact this process has been entirely devoid of my wedding and therefore husband. Yet the turbulent housing market in Sydney indicates that if you don't get onto the property ladder quickly, you can quickly be out priced of the market, with the sky-rocket prices and sheer affordability. Indeed, Sydney is becoming so expensive that home ownership is nearly impossible. As if I don't have enough to worry about!

After being a serial renter, I had a shocking realization of the fragility of my housing situation when my rent was increased to a level that was almost affordable! I was given 21 days to act on it!

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

So, the brave (maybe foolish?) being that I am, I took the leap of faith and purchased a property that appeared to make sense for me ,and my financial situation, as well as lifestyle. I had put off the idea of buying property for a number of years and I am blessed to have a number of good friends who are now pseudo property advisers to me now! Thank God for good friends, especially as a reminder that you aren't truly going it alone.

Singleness is one thing, homelessness is another and that is a reality that I am determined to avoid. My strategy was simple - find the lowest cost rental accommodation in the area, agree a longer term least at the lower level of rent, cut back on all other expenses and the save all my money like crazy to get my own place and never rent again.

It worked, pretty much.

I am now a few years down the track and very used to my low cost life style which has enabled me to almost complete the sale of contract on my new apartment. Yay! 

I have learnt quite a few lessons along the way as well....like having a plan and sticking to it really pays off. Of course it can be tough sometimes, really tough actually and even quite painful, not to mention boring (think "sorry I can't come out to dinner I need to go home and eat canned food so that I can buy a property").

In fact, I was shocked to learn from my mortgage adviser that I had actually been existing below the poverty line because my living expenses were so low as I was saving so much of my income! I know most people buying property in large cities would be in a similar situation but I can't help resenting the notion that having a partner alongside me during this process would ease this burden. 

A second salary would of course be helpful when making such an enormous purchase even if we both enjoyed romantic evenings over a can of baked beans, at least you would be in the same boat together. Perhaps we could have even advanced to frozen food, alongside canned goods... yet that is not the way it has been for me and so I have had to accept that my expectations have brought disappointment and regardless go for it  irrespective of circumstances.

I also learnt that my challenging sacrifices are worthwhile because now I have a wonderful achievement on my doorstep (may I note that will be a door step that I will own) and I have independently set myself up for the future. Beyonce would be proud. 

Go me!

I have had to accept that my expectations of getting a property are not realistic and to wait for the man of my dreams to do it would be foolish of me. Perhaps he will at least turn up to help me shift the boxes when I move in!!!