Christmas Rant

So it is the season of joy and good will to all men, right? Well from some recent observations this hasn't been what I have seen.

At least twice in the last week, may I add TWICE, I have been out Christmas shopping and my ears were offended at hearing couples argue.

I don't just mean disagree but full on screaming at the top of their voices! One Indian man in GAP shouted at his poor wife,

"How dare you disrespect me! 

Get away from me! 

Get away!" 

I can only begin to imagine his use of language when not in full view of the general public but behind closed doors. There was silence from the rest of the shoppers. I was disappointed that no one came to the aid of the clearly long suffering wife, who hung her head in shame - myself included. It is difficult to judge when to intervene when couples are airing their dirty laundry in public.

Is shouting at your spouse a passionate way to communicate? 

Or is it abusive? 

Couples argue all the time, that isn't new. Christmas is also a very stressful time for lots of people, that also isn't news. Speaking unkindly and in an aggressive way to someone....well I thought mankind had reached a point of civility in which we are now beyond that.

Any ex-boyfriend of mine, who has ever shouted at me, will tell you, that I am off in a flash - like Rudolph's nose in the night sky! But people do have different ways that are acceptable for them to communicate with each other.

Yes, there are far superior ways to disagree with someone than publicly humiliate them, even if they have disrespected you to start with. While I doubt this was the case with my Indian friends in GAP, it did make me wonder why, at the close of 2017, shouting at your spouse, during the season of joy and goodwill, was not squashed by those in ear shot. Perhaps everyone else was like myself, in shock from the whole show.

Whatever the reason, I hope the poor woman in question is okay and not suffering more than we saw in public behind closed doors. My vivid imagination is reminded that many people suffer at Christmas instead of celebrating.

Should you, or someone you know need support, at any time, 24/7 call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Out with a bang? Why great chemistry isn't enough.

About two years ago, a friend of mine declared to me that she was madly in love. I was quite surprised as she has only recently ended her long term marriage. Perhaps mad was the right term for what she experienced! 

I asked her how she knew she was in love and she didn't know. I asked if perhaps they had lots of things in common yet it turned out they had next to nothing in common. The relationship was fast and furious and within a matter of weeks it had burned out and was over.

Gone. 

Was she truly in love? I doubt it. Not that I am one to judge but it very much sounded like she had experienced a deep sense of chemistry but when it came to the crunch there was actually a huge chasm of compatibility. Quite simply what my friend experienced was a case of crash and burn - and as a relationship it was never going to work out in the long term. Never. Lets face it, they had nothing in common!

So how do you know if you are truly compatible with someone? 

I think it is relatively easy to experience great chemistry with someone and mistake it for compatibility, like my friend did. It is an honest mistake with all best intentions but can cause great pain, regret and anguish. After all many of the early signs are very similar to the early signals of a great relationship. 

To be compatible with someone is different though to simply having great chemistry. Yes compatibility is much more holistic than simply having great chemistry. Compatibility covers all levels of a relationship - the emotional, spiritual and physical. 

Compatibility is not one dimensional, like chemistry is. Compatibility is about having all of the ingredients together that are needed to make the relationship work. 

Having great chemistry alone is like making a cake using eggs as your only ingredient. At best, you will get scrambled eggs. They can be okay if that was your objective but naturally if you were expecting a cake then the outcome will leave you disappointed. By contrast compatibility is having all of the ingredients to make the cake, everything you need, bar none. Okay so the ingredients may not be perfect, nor in perfect proportion but you will reach a closer outcome of a cake than simply just using the one ingredient. This is the key difference chemistry (having one ingredient) and compatibility (have all ingredients) that are needed to make a relationship work.

Of course there is the other side of the coin - where there can be great compatibility between two people and simply no chemistry. This is a nice space but lets be clear it is certainly the friend-zone and your relationship will not go beyond a friendship. Who doesn't need more friends? Just don't expect love to blossom!

The crux is that compatibility doesn't ware out, it goes the distance but the relationship is based on many factors and no just the spark of great chemistry. After all, most relationships experience a phase where the chemistry burns out and then what do you have to keep you together? Hopefully all of the other many facets that make you such a great couple. 

'tis the season to be....single!

Christmas is just around the corner and everyone seems to be joyfully getting ready to celebrate with their loved ones. When you are single, this is the season that can seriously suck...second only to Valentines Day in my opinion.

Christmas can include office close down and extended periods off work. Here in Australia most of the country is off work until the end of January and if you are single or alone during this time it can be quite difficult. There are also many great things you can do alone that people may not consider doing alone but from my experience are very enjoyable. 

Here is what rates most highly for me....

Anything involving food (or great coffee) is up on my list of things to do, especially if it is a nice little cafe or casual dining place that has some hustle and bustle. It can be great to people watch and relax as the rest of the world is rushing by. Sometimes I will take something to read with me but more often I find a table in a secluded spot and happily observe the world around me. It can be quite a luxury to eat in peace and not having to worry about quickly finishing a mouthful of food before politely responding to someone. Eating out alone means you can finish every mouthful exactly when you are ready! Delicious. 

Shopping! Yes, shopping is the best when you are alone - apart from the fact that you have to carry your own bags but it is a sacrifice that's worth it. There is no one to slow you down and indecision is limited because you don't need to debate about the purchase. When you are alone you can quickly assess the pros and cons, make a decision and off you go to happily the next shop. Easy. Efficient and way less stressful. Even better if you get some bargains in the sales! 

One thing I would like to enjoy alone is going away on holiday. I have tried this a couple of times and never enjoyed it. It just isn't for me. I think this is due to my personal taste because I know that many people do enjoy solo travel - for me it is a miserable experience not being able to talk about the experiences as you live them and worse there is no one to share the memories with in the future. The consequence is that I don't have many holidays these days, which also isn't ideal...especially as many of my old travel buddies are now happily coupled up. Grrrrr.

People often tell me they enjoy going to the movies alone. I haven't tried it myself, mainly because I don't go to the movies that often. Perhaps I will put this on my list of things to do this Christmas?.... Problem is that I am one of those annoying people who likes to have a little chat throughout the movie. That's a bit tricky if you are alone....

Clearly there are some activities that are more palatable alone than others, maybe that is just me?... 

There are also lots of other activities that single people can be a part of over Christmas and involved connecting with other people. Volunteering is a great way to get connected in the local community and give back. There are many soup kitchens, hostels, churches and other charities that struggle to meet the increased demands they see at Christmas and so it is a great time to get stuck in a give back. Often I think when we take our eyes off ourselves and serve others we will truly feel fulfillment whether you are single or not. 

Should I Tinder?

Tinder. It is probably one of the most debated spaces for meeting new people. I know of many happy couples who met on Tinder yet the reputation of short term flings had always prevented me from signing up... 

In many ways I like the ease of simply swiping a finger left or right to communicate whether I was interested in them or not and all based on a photograph - that is probably not that recent. I had found online dating, with detailed profiles and lots of information including photographs, difficult enough so why would my date be any more compatible based on less information? After so many bad experiences online, should I go in for more? And on the arguably most renowned dating App with connotations of short lived hook ups. It sounded like everything I WASN'T looking for...

Should I Tinder? This has been a real dilemma in my mind for some time. Like all things there are pros and cons. Pros I may meet someone that I finally connect with and I can quickly scroll through reams of profiles using only one digit! Bonus. It is very efficient in some ways. But the cons? Finding someone compatible is tricky and knowing their intentions can be difficult to discern - true of any dating scenario so it isn't really valid when considering Tinder. Yet with trying anything new, you don't know how it will go, until you actually give it a go! Ultimately I decided that I would jump on board and try out Tinder. You just never know how things may work out or who you may connect with...

So, did I actually join Tinder?

Well after spending so much time with all my detailed analysis, discussions with friends and deep soul searching I actually didn't join Tinder, or any other dating community for that matter. I was about to, and had every intention of boldly going where I had not been before. Plus I had visited many other online platforms to meet someone and so why not give it a shot. But I didn't join up. Not because of  anything specific to do with Tinder but on the contrary it was actually because during the time I took to consider finally joining up I actually met someone through my every day life! He suddenly popped up, as if from no where and we connected with really well! Happily, I haven't been able to swipe past this one!

The safety net of singleness

I often speak to many single people and I have increasingly come across people who actually relish their singleness and have no desire to couple up. This got me thinking about the attractiveness of being single as a way of life and actively choosing the single life and not pursuing dating, partnering-up, marriage or whatever else. Indeed, the simplicity and peace of being single is actually, for some, more alluring in many ways. 

I recall once meeting a lovely guy who was great, possibly encompassing all that I had been looking for! (Yes, I am shocked as well.) Then it dawned on me, if I was also everything he was looking for, and everything else went well between us, then I may never date again! No more crazy dating stories, no more exciting moments waiting for my blind date to arrive ....wondering if every guy who walked past was the one that I was meeting! The anticipation and expectation of the hope of meeting new people would be gone! In only a few months I could be in the world of the predictable and mundane. At that time I couldn't give up my singleness...

Clearly being single can be great! It can be fun and exciting. You don't have to discuss everything with someone else, you can be much more efficient and get on with whatever is at hand. Having the much coveted alone time and solitude, to sort out your thoughts, is often easier to achieve when you are single. So should singleness be desired? I guess it is by some people....

Given that we are such social creatures, is this practical? Could long term singleness actually be closing yourself off to treasures that life may have for us? Of course other social networks can bring connection, meaning and community but is that enough? And even so, in actively choosing a single life, does that mean you miss out on other joy's that a relationship can bring?

I do wonder if remaining single can be a form a self protection for some people who create a safety net to protect themselves from the potential hurt and pain by letting someone they love and care about them into their lives. 

Singleness can be like an anesthetic that stops you from being vulnerable to potential relationship pain......but also the pleasure, fulfillment and joy of a relationship.

There is nothing wrong with actively choosing a single life unless it is from a place of fear. My question, is whether the safety-net of remaining single is worth while? After all, remaining single may give protection from heart-break and pain but this is at the sacrifice of love, fulfillment and joy. That is a question for every person choosing to be single should consider....

Choosing singleness for the right reasons is fine, in fact, even in the Bible it is clear that some people are called to live single. So if you find yourself choosing to be single perhaps it is helpful to know within yourself why you have made that decision - which is a great place to confidently move forwards in life from.