Men and balls: Cheating and the Australian Cricket Team

What is it with men and balls? I didn't think that I would ever blog on something as dull as this. In light of the Australian Cricket scandal it reminds me that there are some themes to playing fair that should be applied to all areas of life. Just in case you live under a rock, or understandably, have zero interest, the Australian Cricket Team were caught ball tampering in a bid to get an advantage over their South African competitors. They not only broke the rules but broke the hearts of cricket nuts nationwide. 

Cheating, across all contexts in life, is wrong, whether it is in business, in sport or of course in relationships. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are, the simple truth is that cheating is not okay! Obviously I recognise that it isn't just men that cheat but I will be referencing cheating in regards to my experience. It is disappointing that men often break the rules by cheating and sadly it is not just a bunch of men running around a field, playing a game that requires them to wear mandatory white clothes. (Imagine if it did though - cheats the world  over would be SO easy to spot!)

Like cricket, relationships have rules and these rules should never be broken.

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone falls short of perfection but intentionally doing the wrong thing, with the full knowledge of your actions is another matter. Quitting or losing is better than cheating as at least you retain your integrity.  A bad run is superior to a fabricated win. The value of a victory is based on authenticity and strength of character. It seems there are times when people do not have the ability to stand their ground and simply do what is right. 

The revelation of the Australian Cricket Team got me thinking about their inexcusable behaviour and how that relates to relationships and inexcusable behaviour I have seen in that context that is very similar. Sadly, there are many overlaps. 

Deceit is deceit. 

Sometimes you don't always know the whole story but you don't have to because you know you are being misled and the know that things are being hidden from you can be enough. Cheating is about deceit and there are some warning signs that can indicate that something is not right, although admittedly they can easily be overlooked - after all who wants to know they are being cheated? Here are always a few signs to look out for....

1. Lies

One old ex-boyfriend had a strange mark on his arm and I asked him about it. He paused for a bit too long then told me an elaborate story of how he had spilled hot toffee on his arm as a child. I mostly believed him but was intrigued by the long pause. A few weeks later his sister informed me of the excellent job the tattoo revivalist did in taking off the name of his ex from his arm! Even if the "toffee incident" was true I definitely didn't get the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God! SO HELP ME GOD!

2. Unexplained behaviour

This is evident when they do something for no clear reason and it simply doesn't make any sense. Perhaps it is changing plans last minute or suddenly having to leave for "an emergency". One guy I dated was having "a day on his motorbike with his mates", and suddenly it turned into a long weekend in a winery because of a terrible storm that made it entirely impossible for him to return until after the long weekend. Who knew a bunch of old biker dudes would be so romantic?! To make matters worse for the poor guy his phone battery had died and so he couldn't possibly speak with me at all for that entire weekend! Hmmmmmmm...

3. Defensiveness

I was meeting David* and he was an hour late for our date. An hour! Not a few minutes an hour. His response to me was  "you're often late for me". David suddenly become very defensive as if he was in a court of law trying to prove himself innocent. He made me wonder... Okay, so perhaps I am five or ten minutes late from time to time but an hour. Never. It only took him 30 minutes to get there, from where he (apparently) was which meant he was already leaving 30 minutes after we were due to meet! What was he doing? Who was he with? Certainly not me...

The smallest sniff of any of these things can get you wondering. There could be a reasonable explanation in some circumstances and if that is the case, then you deserve to hear it but if it's hidden or worse you are blamed for bringing to light discrepancies then perhaps it is time to reassess your options. A relationship will not work without honesty, respect and open communication.

Smoke and mirrors are very unhelpful. 

Sadly, I am aware of too many men who, errrr tamper with their balls and well, you know do the wrong thing. It is not just the Australian Cricket team. The point is if you aren't happy in a relationship or would rather be with someone else then be honest. The key thing is to do this BEFORE moving on. Yet cheating still happens. A lot. I was mildly amused that this sporting scandal would be headline news when concurrently the question of say Donald Trump's fidelity is quietly slipping into the background. So you could question whether the integrity of a bunch of cricket game players is comparable to that of a global leader. But then isn't that exactly what cheaters are - game players? 

*David isn't called David, it's just a change from Dave.

Locationship - can your love go the distance?

A couple that I am close to are discussing getting married! I am so excited for them. Like most couples, they have their problems. But one problem is significantly bigger than most loved up couples need to navigate. Due to unavoidable circumstances, currently, they aren't able to live in the same country! The guy truly wants to be in Australia but said he will go anywhere to be with his partner, even if that means quitting his job! He confidently claimed that he would happily use his skills, talents and gifting's to work anywhere they can both be, together. I love their love.

Love can transcend distance - if you make the effort.

It is admirable to see how they are willing to really go the distance to ensure their relationship is protected, regardless of the difficulties that life brings up. Location is no issue for this couple to sustain the love they have for each other. They have actively decided that they want to stay together and are moving forwards in the same direction, together. They are taking every step necessary to ensure they protect their relationship and more than that, ensure they protect each other. As a couple they can see beyond the geographical barriers that are currently in place and realize that over the course of a lifetime they will remain together, in love, no matter where they are located. While this is a tricky circumstance to navigate right now, it will change and vitally give them a heightened relational resilience to tackle whatever comes their way - and get though it.

Relationship challenges make or break couples.

I contrast this couples approach to their location and love with an experience I had. Let's call him Dave*.....

Dave and I were starting to have the occasional, casual conversation about our future. Nothing too serious but a few comments here and there that overall seemed to align, mostly. We were only a few months into dating so there was no need to rush things prematurely, or so I thought.

We had both met each others families, which for me was the first big step and that was good. That is at least one box we ticked! Progress? Well...

Dave was a home owner, not just a home owner but a HOUSE owner. GO DAVE. This is truly quite usual in the city we live in and he probably should be getting a letter from the Queen, or something like that. I am also a home owner but not a house owner. Dave and I lived a full 21km away from each other. If you think in miles and not kilometers it is 13 miles away. We are practically neighbours when considering that we are in the same country, same state, same city....it isn't even a marathon. Surely, there really shouldn't be any issue of location in this relationship? Or am I the stupid fool?....

He had his place, I have my place so I had thought that perhaps as the relationship progressed getting a place together, that was OURS would be a great way to start the next stage of our relationship. Given that my work place is more than two hours from his house, I had hoped that he wouldn't be too happy with me driving 4 hours a day! I had casually mentioned that as our relationship progressed it would be good to see if we could find a location that worked for both of us. 

Seems both logical and practical, as 4 hours a day of driving is crazy. Would he want me to drive that far every day? In all seriousness I was instructed by Dave to, 

"Quit your job."

Dave very clearly informed that he would NOT under ANY circumstances move house. Not now, nor ever, nor until death do he part this earth. Yep truly. His words were, "I want to live in my house until I drop off my perch." And "You can choose to take it or leave it - and remember there are MANY women who would LOVE to live in MY house." 

It was the end of our locationship. 

Being a home owner, or even a house owner, isn't a substantial building block for a strong relationship. For me, it isn't even a  consideration when looking for a life partner and I was surprised that Dave thought I should have been more grateful for his home ownership ability. Personality traits are far more important to me and I wasn't seen traits I liked, even though Dave had a lovely house, it was totally irrelevant.

Relationships take compromise, meeting each other needs and self sacrifice. I didn't actually have a relationship with Dave, it was a mere locationship - based on convenience, and only while it was convenient and as soon as it put him out of his way, with even the thought of MAYBE moving, he was off. To progress the relationship with mutual benefit for both of us was something that Dave wasn't willing to do. No, Dave couldn't work with me on our first challenge - he couldn't even meet meet half way to make a go of what we had and see if things could work out. Physically, half way would have been 10 kilometers difference for both of us.

A mere 10 kilometers broke us!

It is disappointing that something so minuscule became so enormous when there is a lifetime of opportunities that will forever be unexplored because of his house! An objection. A possession. A thing. Its not like there is a transpacific flight, thousands of dollars in travel (although fuel is expensive!), time differences and other obstacles to overcome. No, we had it all pretty easy to make things work except for the essential ingredients that were lacking... 

So, I could have easily moved to his place and quit my job as instructed but why would I do that for a relationship that has no compromise? In fact, I would have found myself in a dictatorship, which is highly undesirable. The single life is much more appealing.

With Dave there was no love, self sacrifice or compromise and truly, that doesn't leave much of a genuine relationship at all. This is a good lesson because when it comes to the crunch you need to know if your relationship will snap, and the more pressure you can handle the better established you will be for the future, even if that means you ultimately part ways. 

*Dave is not actually called Dave, surprising hey?!

A time to let the grass grow....

The whole objective of dating is that you need to get to know your date and I mean REALLY get to know them. How do you truly get to know someone? Well, I think there is only one way. 

Time. 

Time is the most precious commodity that any of us has and  is something that you cannot get more of. You need to spend time with someone to know if you get along, have things in common and importantly, if you even like each other. I have realized the importance of time recently... 

Once upon a time I made an outrageous request. Yes. It was madness. I asked my (then) boyfriend, Dave*, to do something ridiculous and actually spend some time with me. I know what you are probably thinking - what a privileged man he must be. Truly, he was. 

Not only did I seek to spend my most precious commodity with Dave, I was mad enough to request an entire day with him! Well, when I say a whole day, I don't mean an entire 24 hours, no I was not that keen, but I simply suggested we arrange a time to meet for breakfast and maybe end our time together with dinner. Surely that would be little more than a mere day in the office and hopefully not as hard work! 

In our 7 months together busy, Dave failed to have 8 hours straight for me. No. Maybe there were 8 hours, cumulative across a week but never in one hit. What does that really say about a relationship? Is it even a relationship if you cannot spend time together? It got me wondering...

For me actions speak louder than words. People are what they do and not what they say. Dave said he would have time for me, yet he didn't. He couldn't open his diary and make time for me, even after multiple gentle nudges. 

Was I asking for too much?

As time went on and my requests continued to be overlooked it was clear that I was actually asking for too much from Dave. Was it an absurd request? In this instance, yes I think it was. He simply didn't have time for me. I wasn't a priority and that couldn't have been more clearly articulated to me. It was time to move on!

While it is never nice coming second (third, fourth, fifth etc) in someone's priority list, behind everything from walking the dog to mowing the lawn (yes, seriously) - he actually made something very clear to me which was invaluable...

While I was sat on his drive way, one Saturday afternoon ready for our date, as arranged, and he was still busy attending to the garden and I was all dressed up in my best outfit for our date. Dave was covered in mud and grass. Dave communicated to me exactly what I needed to know.

Having time with Dave was impossible.

Perhaps he wasn't that keen on me or was hoping I would move on, as I did, although a simple conversation could have made it easier. But before you get your tissues out, please don't because he did me a huge favour. Dating is, after all, collecting information about someone until you realize that you don't actually want to spend any more time with them. It's harsh but true. 

As his dog and I sat side by side on the drive way I could reflect. Life is far too short to sit and wait for someone who isn't prepared to invest in your life - even if you are willing to give them a go. Dave thought he was ready to have a relationship yet he couldn't invest the time to make it grow. The poor guy denied himself the opportunity to get to know me! Instead, he was more concerned about keeping up appearances with his neighbours and he did that  so well. When all is said and done, what truly matters? For Dave it was his garden! 

Healthy relationships are about placing value on those we care about. 

Was Dave a cut above the rest?  Certainly not in my back yard, because surely if he was truly invested in me he would have let the grass grow.  

*name changed to Dave which is appropriately generic.

You can do better.....at least 21% better.

The 8th March is International Women's Day. This is a day that is observed around the world to celebrate, reflect and advocate for the social, economic, political and cultural achievements of women. 

While there has been progress over the years, thanks to movements like the Suffragettes, there is still a long way to go. All women know that there inequality exists today, but do men? Recently I had a conversation with that really concerned me....

Dave* informed me that he felt that International Women's Day was discriminatory because there is no 'International Men's Day.' I tried to education him on his sheer ignorance, yet I failed. As a white, fully able-bodied male, Dave had zero insight into the reality of what discrimination really is - let alone that it still exists and that even his mother, sisters, aunties, girlfriend will all have experienced it. It is a fact.

The 2017 gender pay gap report found that in Australia, today, men still out-earn women in every industry and across all occupations. On average women get paid 21% less than men. This leaves women disadvantaged in a many ways. 

If you couple the lower earning capacity of women, with taking time out of their careers to bring up young children, then it is not surprising that by the time retirement rolls around women, on average, have 40% less superannuation than their male counterparts. The fact that women have a longer life expectancy than men but have 40% less to live off makes it unsurprising that older women are now the group most at risk of homelessness.

So to summarize - women in Australia today can expect a lower salary than men. Time out sowing into the next generation compounds this resulting in significantly less superannuation for retirement and as their children fly the nest and husbands pass away they are likely to be facing homelessness! 

How is that okay?!

This International Women's Day I hope that men across Australia wake up to the real issues that their sisters, mothers, aunties, wives and friends are facing and take positive action to eliminate discrimination once and for all. 

Emma Watson said at a UN conference that, "gender equality is your issue too."

It is essential that men are empowered to ensure equality for their female colleagues in the workplace. This is crucial because, in Australia, the majority of CEO's (85%) are male and 70% of key management personnel are male and therefore it is these men who are making the majority of hiring decisions including salary. I think they can do better - at least 21% better - and that is just the start.

*name changed.

You know its not love when...

As a relationship progresses there comes a point in time when you start to wonder if it is love. How do you know if it is the real deal? Does your partner truly love you? Okay, not just love you as in really like you. But LOVE you until death do you part? Or do they simply just really like what meets THEIR needs in life? Sometimes relationships can get messy as emotions get intertwined, so how do you know what is authentic love? Perhaps it is truly actions and words that can speak volumes as an indication...

The ancient scriptures give a great insight into what love truly is. Sometimes looking at the opposite of what love is can provide insight by seeing exactly what love isn't. Based on this you know it is not love when....

It's not patient

Patience is a virtue and a particular virtue that is demonstrated when love is present. Patience sees beyond the immediate moment into the bigger picture. Perhaps right now a situation may not be ideal but with loving patience things can change. As it is said, love conquers all!

There is no kindness

I once met a man who couldn't bare to walk past a person in need without responding to them with kindness - sometimes he responded with a coffee, other times a few dollars or even the shirt off his back. He was a kind soul with a philosophy of "that is someone's child or could be my parent and they are deserving." When I compare that to another response I recently heard suggesting that "all homeless people would have their problems solved if they simply were put into a program of hard labour on an isolated farm." The issue wasn't about homelessness but the response to someone in need. From these responses it is clear where there is love from the amount of kindness shown - or not. This is a reflection of someone's heart and the amount of love that is present.

Envy is evident

The very fact that envy is one of the seven deadly sins should surely be enough to demonstrate that where there is envy there is no love. Envy is being displeased by another's good fortune and often is superficial and self focused. The envious one does not look to add value to the lives of other people around them but instead projects selfish desires onto others. I once recall having a 'friend' refer to me by not using my name but instead my academic qualifications. It was bizarre and seemingly a put down, but all probably due to envy.

Boastfulness rears its ugly head

Boastfulness is drawing attention to yourself and disempowering others. I recall once dating someone who was incredibly arrogant about his life being so entirely perfect, that he seriously expected his spouse to seamlessly fit in with his life - with no compromise, accommodation or even consideration from her needs and desires. From his perspective, all her needs would automatically be met, even without knowing what they were! He said laughable things to me like, "what woman wouldn't want to live in this house* of mine that I have created?" and "don't you realize that there are SO many women who would want to live in my house?" Well his sisters certainly did. Aside from direct relatives.... maybe there are other women far more grateful than myself to have dated such an incredibly fine specimen of a building, I mean elite species of mankind. A house, well to me that is merely bricks and mortar. Creating a home, (or should I say life?!) together, is far more preferable. The type of women who are after a house, as a direct outcome of a relationship , are possibly not also in the market for the side serving of a boastful partner - especially as the house will be more important to him than they are!
*house can be substituted for anything that evokes boastfulness.

Pride is their prejudice

Don't we know so well that pride comes before a fool? This one still makes me laugh today when I recall an old ex-boyfriend of mine once said in absolute disgust, "I have been working for 20 years to have this house* and you haven't even congratulated me!" Once again, the house was nice enough but surely a relationship is far more than a roof over your head? The fact that I wasn't overly pandering to his ego caused him pain. Are houses really THAT important? Yes any home owner has a great achievement (well done buddy, seriously) but you won't get a Nobel Peace Prize for it and to base a relationship on material items is foolish, especially if you cannot be man enough to realize that.
*house can be substituted for anything that evokes pride.

Dishonouring you

Honour is present with giving the greatest respect and esteem. This is vital in every relationship to ensure it remains healthy. Dishonour is the opposite and causes shame or being disgraced. A while ago I was in a situation where I was utterley disgraced. It is now amusing in-hindsight but at the time I was shocked and pretty upset. I had been dating a guy with a dog (grave mistake already) and as I was peacefully sunbathing on the beach the stupid mutt took it upon itself to lick me! I jumped out of my skin in shock. My shock scared the dog who apparently was very upset and felt "scalded" by my response. So here we have a situation with an upset girlfriend and upset dog and who did the jerk comfort? The dog! The bloody dog! I didn't expect I would ever need to say this but - you know you are in the wrong place if an animal ranks higher than you in someone's list of priorities! Love was present here through honour- just not towards me. 

Self-seeking

This is a nice way of saying 'selfishness'. To be self-seeking  is to seek your interests above all else. I had one ex-boyfriend who had agreed that we would spend time together on Christmas day (keep in mind I have no family in the country I live in and I had politely turned down all other invitations from friends due to our happy and romantic arrangements). By 7pm on Christmas Day he still hadn't shown up but decided to call and inform me that he was "too tired" to honour our plans. I was left alone on Christmas day by my boyfriend! This is not love. 

Sometimes self-seeking can extend to deal breakers that basically state in a black and white manner that "it is my way or the highway." I once had a relationship with someone who consistently spoke using 'I' ..... 

"I need someone who can fit into my life".....

"I need someone who will go on my motorbike".... 

"I want someone who will give me 15 children" ....

"I need someone who will cook me dinner"....

"I,I,I..."

You get the idea, and yes, I have dated some real gems! In short, when concern for one's own welfare and interests trump all else, there will be no space for loving someone else, at all. Love won't work with this type of person, they are simply far too busy with their own self 'love'. This is actually  very sad because they wonder why relationships don't work out for them because they really want one but don't realize that relationships truly aren't about themselves at all but actually about the other person. The very essence of love is self-sacrificial and certainly not self-seeking. Ever.

Easily angered

Anger isn't always a bad thing, sometimes it is healthy to be passionate about something like perhaps the plight of homelessness in our city but easily being angered is another matter. I recall once when we were kids my younger brother got super mad at me for blowing out a candle. It was just a candle. Yep just a candle. Not even a candle on his birthday cake but a little tea light candle in the middle of a table at a restaurant. He was so angry that he stormed off and ruined the evening for everyone. So we were kids, but you get the idea, getting angry about something so trivial, is just that, trivial. 

Keeps records of wrongs
Everyone makes mistakes, who doesn't? To claim otherwise is simply lying. The problem is that when mistakes from the past keep being brought into the future and recalled as if on a check list. In dating this is a mistake easily made, which can quickly develop into a powerful index of incompatibility. Dating is after all deciding if we like someone enough to stay with them or not, or is it? I think the key is to have progress in any relationship and to work together, getting to know each other and compromising as you grow together. Having the same mistakes consistently taking place, is a different matter, as is the same as a lack of progress.

So how do you truly know when it is love? Well the above factors should not be prominent issues in the relationship. Indeed, love is evident in any relationship where there is patience, kindness, no envy, or boasting or pride. Love isn't self seeking but putting others before yourself and honouring them (and their dogs - but not to the exclusion of one or the other!). In fact the ancient scriptures put it perfectly in 1 Corinthians, that love always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. The essence of love is self sacrificing which isn't at all natural, let alone easy, and this is probably why there are so many single people!