How to detect an emotional zombie

The emotional zombie is a term I have recently created to describe someone who is devoid of sharing or showing any deep feelings, especially to someone they care about, even in a committed relationship. But in a relationship they are pretty much a corpse. 

Hopefully you have never experienced this creature from the dead but scarily they are more common that I had realized. Even worse is the fact that emotional zombies seem attracted to people with warm hearts, who are open to love and this is the fate of every relationship with an emotional zombie.

You have been warned!!!

You are probably wondering if you are dating or know an emotional zombie?  It is possible. Some of the characteristics that may be present is a lack of commitment and being aloof, vague and distant – all factors that are so poisonous to healthy relationships. 

You can quickly become lonely when dating an emotional zombie and so you should, because you are devoid of the love and emotionally connection that is expected in a relationship – unless you are with a zombie. 

Don’t expect love from a zombie.

I realized this phenomena existed after the final nail was firmly hammered into the coffin of my relationship with Olly.  I reflected for some time about why the relationship didn’t work out. I don’t think either of us truly wanted to split up but the arguments were so constant with no reconciliation nor agreement to compromise that the writing was on the wall.

It was over.

There had been a few themes in the arguments where I appeared to be blamed for things that actually were carried out by an ex and not me! Olly was definitely haunted by his past.  One of my many suggestions was to consider speaking to someone together, maybe a counselor or someone neutral to help us work through our differences. I think that is useful for all couples – people are so different it is a miracle that anyone ever gets into a relationship, let alone gets married. The response to my well-meaning suggestion was “YOU need a counselor”…………ummmm I thought WE were working on OUR relationship. So what is the resolution? We split up. There was no resolution.

He was so stuck in the past that we had no future.

An emotional zombie is dead to the idea of relating to you because it is either too painful or there is another barrier stopping them from moving forwards in their relationship with you. It is like not being in a relationship at all – because they aren’t, not truly. That’s why loneliness can set in because you are emotionally alone when you really shouldn’t be if you are in a relationship.

Olly was clearly an emotional zombie because of some very prominent behaviors….mainly I wasn’t any sort of a priority to him in his life. What man on earth would not prioritize the woman he is dating? Yes, balance is important but being so unavailable physically and rarely seeing each other is a massive indication of the lack of emotional connection he has. Who wants to be an option? “I have nothing to do on Sunday arvo so I can see you.” Tempting!

Sweep me off my feet, why don’t you?!

An emotional zombie can be detected though a lack of planning or last minute changes to plans, not once or twice but as regular behaviour. This is often coupled with chronic lateness because they were somewhere else, investing their time and possibly emotions there too.

Who wants to be second… anyone?

Emotional zombies are indeed troubled creatures for one reason or another, they aren’t necessarily bad people. They just need the support to work through their frozen emotions in order to be capable of fully connecting in a relationship. 

We all have different experiences in life. Perhaps your ex ran away for a better life in a land far far away like the depths of Serbia or somewhere else exotic but life goes on and we have to move forwards at some point. That may take time yet the emotional zombie is unlikely to recognize this because they aren’t addressing the emotions that keep them locked in the pain of the past.

Zombie nation.

I deeply cared for my emotional zombie, Olly*, he had some awful experienced that remained to trouble him and I hoped to support him through that. However, he rarely shared any of his pain with me, thus isolating me from journey with him through his horrors together.

Why go it alone?

Every day I could see on his handsome face that he was very clearly troubled and he refused to share a morsel of it with me because it was “for my protection” or as I like to rephrase it “for our destruction” because in a relationship, if you aren’t united, together then you’re apart – and that was us. Two separate individuals trying to move in the same direction but one was frozen in time, paralyzed and unwilling to be pulled back into life. We were unable to move anywhere.

It was tragic.

Olly and I were an example of a sad loss of a relationship with enormous potential, that never was to be, all due to un-addressed pain that was allowed to destroy the present and steal hope for the future.

Woah!

I wanted to support Olly yet it seemed that my every attempts were always met with hostility. There was no way for me to navigate the reinforced fort that he had built around his heart. He was majorly suffering and so was I.

I was the collateral damage from the battles Olly faced.

You know you are with an emotional zombie when the past ruins your present and future because you exist only in the past. Being emotionally unavailable in the present means you aren’t in the here and now. Olly was definitely not with me on an emotional level at all.  He was missing in action.

Granted, he was positive, kind, generous – all wonderful traits that make anyone adore him but actually on reflection many of these characteristics are also present in my relationships with close girlfriends. However, Olly wasn’t another great friend to me but he was my love. The problem with love is that it needs to be reciprocated for it to really go anywhere but being the emotional zombie that he was, Olly and I were clearly doomed. He couldn’t love me and as a consequence I eventually realized this made him unworthy of my love.

Don’t get me wrong, emotional zombies do need love, like all people do, but they don’t need a relationship, they need support and opportunities for healing. Emotional zombies don’t realise this and seek out relationships to fill the void. Who wants to be a filler? The stand in? Or stunt double? At this point of realization it was very evident that the impact of dating a zombie was becoming damaging to me and it was essential that I protect myself from him also turning me into a zombie.

Happily I broke free.

I hope you aren’t dating an emotional zombie because it is tough. Perhaps you are congratulating yourself that your date doesn’t have any of these characteristics but there is something worse than dating an emotional zombie – being one yourself!

Are you an emotional zombie?

*name changed to Olly because it sounds like a zombie name...Olly the Zombie. Yep.

How Donald Trump got me a hot date.

I can’t say that I am a supporter of Donald Trump, far from it but that isn’t the point. I suppose I do appreciate that he speaks his mind and acts on things he believes in, which is quite noble, especially compared to many other politicians who simply talk about things and make promises but don’t actually do anything. The drama surrounding his election and now his input into international relations means he’s a man never far from the media and as a consequence never far from my mind – not in a romantic way, I just like the news!

Recently I was updating my dating profile online. It has been a while since I have done this so it was well overdue. Plus with my  newly blonde hair I do look quite different and so I updated a few of my other details making it more current and hopefully more  interesting. Not that many people read dating profiles, especially the whole thing. They can go on a bit and be really lengthy.

As I scanned the profile I found myself stuck on how to best answer some of the sections.

Pets? 

Gross. I am not a fan. Most men however seem to love them, especially dogs, which I detest. It won’t help my cause by saying I hate animals, which isn’t entirely true but isn’t far from it either. (For the record I love animals if they are on YouTube, doing silly stuff. In those situations I think they are awesome and can’t lick me from my computer, unlike what seems to be the  usual scenario in person.....imagine going up to a complete stranger and licking them! No.)

Children? 

Surely this is too much information too soon? It isn’t really a yes or no answer for me, although of course if you already have them then it’s good to state that.

Then to top it all off the next field to entice a man to “wave” at me was politics! No wonder so many people remain single from online dating - there are just too many barriers to even start a conversation!

Politics?

My answer for the last decade of life had been “middle of the road” so that I didn’t offend anyone nor get into a debate. I deleted this answer. 

What would I say instead? 

I still didn't want to offend anyone nor start a debate or be apathetic. Before I knew what was happening I typed, “Go Trump!” I figured it may make someone laugh – even if that was only me! Besides, most people won’t read it and if they take it seriously they aren’t for me anyway…or so I told myself.

After a day or two I got a message from Ken* saying “I loved your profile – Go Trump!” Was he serious? I hope not!

I couldn’t help but notice that Ken was traditionally very handsome, he was also tall and hard Italian heritage so that gorgeous choclately hair and dark alluring eyes! Amid his evident gorgeousness, it was unclear whether his character aligned with his good looks or had I attracted an advocate to make America great again?

YIKES!

After a few messages pinged between us I realised he was actually on my wave length. Thank God! Ken seemed like he was fun, confident, outgoing and pretty assertive. Indeed, no less than three times did he directly ask me to meet him! Without trying to be too enthusiastic, I casually informed him that I would consider the date and location he suggests…

Go Trump!

While I was nervous to update my dating profile with something ridiculous it seems it was perfect in starting a conversation with someone on my wave length. I am so pleased that Ken saw the humour in my profile and that he wasn’t actually an avid Trump supporter, which he could have been! That was the risk I took and it paid off, so far!

The moral of this story is to have fun and be playful while dating, even while online dating because who knows which gorgeous hunk could walk into your life.

Let’s make dating great again!

*name changed to something that rhymes with Ken.

"Why are you single?" - the most stupid question!

If I knew why I was single then I would address the reason and perhaps not be single. Or maybe I would put myself out there and go on a whole heap of dates and still persist even after disaster after disaster after.... wait a minute, that's exactly what I'm doing and I am still single. 

If only I could marry myself just to stop these types of infuriating questions. No one ever asks married people, why are you married? ....Perhaps only in extreme circumstances.

Is singleness actually seen as some incurable disease?

Yes, it appears that singleness is quite a curious disease that is often heightened by married people and their lack of understanding of it. I hope it is not contagious?

Some people are happily single, just like some people are unhappily married. Life doesn't always work out as we think it should. I often think that single people don't necessarily intend to be single - sometimes that's just how it is due to no fault of your own. 

Even the question, "why are YOU single?" Implies that I am at fault. I don't think many people have ever re-framed it to something like, 

"why has no hunky stallion of a human being on this vast planet earth ever swept you off your feet and treated you like the gracious gift of God that you truly are?"

Never.

I haven't even had anything vaguely similar said to me. Not once. It's been more along the lines of- 

"You can't STILL be single.... you're QUITE attractive." 

I have had this said to me probably on a weekly basis. It is usually  posed to me more of a question than a statement or back handed compliment. Thus suggesting that, because I don't entirely resemble the back end of a bus, there must be some other issue with me. 

The fact that I am thoughtfully discerning my relationships certainly doesn't appear to be satisfactory and let's not forget that being in a relationship actually isn't solely your decision - someone else is involved!....I would like to think I am in a relationship with Orlando Bloom* but so far he is yet to agree!

Along the same lines, I've also had people say "you're not that bad" which could also be said in the same way that you're trying to assess if an avocado is edible or over ripe, black and a bit squishy "it's not that bad"... 

I am not an avocado!

How are you supposed to respond to such ridiculous stupidity? In my head I respond as graciously as possible with something like -

"Dating is tough, you morons!"

So I confess, I have been getting quite tired of coming up with excuses for my singleness due to such idiotic questions. Don't even get me started on the question -

"Where is your husband?"

If I knew where he was then I wouldn't be single, would I?! Arghhhhh!

Recently, I was at an event when a conservative, and might I add noisy, lady posed this kind of stupid question to me about my singleness. I don't entirely recall the exact question but my response even surprised me!

"Yes I am single. I think the reason for my state of singleness must only be due the difficulties I have experienced reintegrating into the community after my gender reassignment surgery."

Silence fell. 

I was in quite a bad mood that day and wanted to say something to demonstrate the personal nature of the question. In many ways it makes sense because I imagine such a procedure would be incredibly tough to go through. However, I must admit, it isn't something I have actually experienced - I simply wanted to shock my audience into realizing they were probing far too deeply into my life, especially when we had only just met moments earlier! I also wanted to challenge their assumptions about me, whatever they were. There are many people who are single due to the pain of divorce or the loss of their loved one and to open that up through a well meaning question such as "why are you single?" could actually be truly painful. 

In hindsight, I should have responded to the question with an equally personal question and asked how many times they have sex each week or why they are in fact over weight. Apparently those are the joys of married life to be coveted by singletons the world over. 

So perhaps singleness isn't so bad after all and maybe it is about being grateful for what we do have and not what we are seemingly 'lacking', according to some. 

My concern when someone asks me about my singleness is not so much the reasons why am I single but a lack of acknowledgment that I am very busy discerning who is suitable to date and then consider for marriage. This should be a good thing! I should be awarded special honorary awards and not looked at as if I am a moldy avocado.

Come on people!

Yes I'm looking for someone but not just anyone, as in "just get married". I'm looking for someone special not someone who is deemed "not that ugly" or who also happens to be single and within a 100km vicinity. 

NO!

I have seen enough unhappy marriages to know I don't want one myself. In fact that prospect is so undesirable that singleness is more attractive - until you are sure of your decision. 

I am looking for someone specific, with the risk that I may never find him.... but if I do find what I am looking for, then it will be the greatest treasure this world could hold. From what I have seen it is definitely worth the risk. In fact I would actually be foolish to settle for anything less and this is why I am STILL single.


*Orlando, the offer still stands, in case you are wondering! Call me....

Dating after heartbreak: Is it too soon?

A few weeks ago I met a nice guy* who proceeded to spend an hour of my time telling me everything about his ex girlfriend. Everything.This was clearly not the best date of my life, but by all measures it was far from the worst either!

I can tell you all about his ex- she sounded great! She was a teacher, they met at the local gym, they had been together for five years and were engaged a year ago. They split by a mutual decision. Apparently. It didn't sound that mutual from where I was sitting. And yes, she gave the ring back, not that I asked - I was told!

Eight months later here am sitting with a guy who clearly still wanted to be with his ex. How do I get myself into these situations? It was so bad that my date almost made me wish I was having a coffee with my ex! Almost.

Amid the lengthy descriptions of his wonderful ex-girlfriend, my date did ask me one question, "so tell me about your ex?" He clearly doesn't read my blog, probably a good thing!

What on earth would he want to know about my ex? That he was tall, dark and handsome?...

I just gave a casual shrug in response to his question and said "I've been single for a while." With that he continued telling me more facts about his incredibly magnificent ex.

This date reminded me of the Monologue Man who I have dated previously, where he spent our time together rattling off boring nonsense about cricket. Who cares about cricket?! Anyway...This date was different. It was still a monologue but it was different. It was harder to digest my dates anguish for the loss of the one he loves.

It was sad. Really sad.

I was with a guy who was clearly in the depths of mourning. He was deeply grieving for someone he still loved dearly. I knew this because he told me, pretty much. My heart went out to him. I know that when you are no longer with someone you love is truly awful. It is heartbreaking. And here I was with an ear full of his woes wondering how the hell can I console this distressed stranger? I couldn't.

What could I do?

In the end there was really nothing that I could do to help the poor dude, aside from listen. His relationship was over and he had to deal with it, somehow, some way. He wasn't going very well navigating being single and clearly needed to someone to replace his loss.  

As our date came to a close, I informed him that my parking was about to expire (best excuse ever), he looked at me with big, sad eyes and said, "so let me know if you want to meet again. " it was more of a plea than a question.

He wasn't for me and I wasn't what he needed. He needed healing that only time can bring. On the side, the fact that his dating profile said he was 5'9 yet when I met him he reached my shoulder and I'm 5'8 - an unexpected surprise! Plus I'm not a fan of being talked at for extensive lengths of time - unless I will be awarded a certificate of achievement or something impressive to add to my resume afterwards. Our date was a non-starter, it didn't get off the ground. It would have been more appropriate for me to invoice him for my counseling services.

I felt for him but knew he was far from ready to be dating. This got me thinking. He had been single for 8 months already, everyone takes lengths of time to move on, so how do you know when to move on? How long should you wait to make sure you can date someone without burdening them with the hurt and disappointment from your past? You need to know when you're ready to give someone else a fair go. This is Australia after all.

Give each date a fair go!

I would love to now propose a nice compact list of five, maybe 8 steps to succinctly work through which results in a miraculous outcome that will magically empower you with the knowledge to date again after heartbreak. Like "do these five things and BOOM you're ready to date again". 

Life isn't that simple. People aren't that simple.

To start dating again you must surely be over the pain you experienced in the past. Not necessarily over all of it, heart break can cut deep but there is a level of acceptance and healing that I think is needed to be able to move forwards in life. It's the rawness of the pain and hurt that needs to be dealt with, which my poor date was still very much working through. There is no time frame or magic potion that will ensure this can be achieved in a moment....or in 8 months for that matter. 

I would like to request that the scientific community set about trying to find a quick fix for heartbreak. 

On this occasion my date kept speaking about his ex as if it were yesterday when they split up and the pain was still so bad for him that it may as well have been. He was still very much hurting. I was so sad for him. 

In fact, he was defining himself to me in the context of his previous relationship. His identity was still with the ex! He was still holding on to her and her memory so closely that it was all consuming. 

Emotionally, he wasn't available to date anyone.

Of course he seemed surprised that I suggested we only be friends. He really needed to be wanted more than anything else. It's a basic human need, which I understand, but perhaps my date was looking for comfort in the wrong place? Another date or even girlfriend won't replace the one he is longing for and grieving over. Maybe it could mask the pain of loneliness he was experiencing a little and aid his recovery. Only time can reduce the sadness he carries for that relationship. Perhaps professional help would be advantageous as well? We are all so different with how we process loss and that is what makes the healing process so difficult - there is no bullet proof cure. 

Hurry up with the cure scientists!

Amid all of this the other sad thing was I didn't get to know much about him. It was like I was on a date with his ex! Three is a crowd, don't you know? You can't start a new chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one. I guess that's where drawing a line in the sand is so crucial and knowing when it is time to truly move on.

*the guy's name is not mentioned because in reality this could be any of us.

The soul mate debate...

I have been pondering over the existence of the concept of having a soul mate. You know what I mean, the ONE. Is there only one person for each of us to truly find connection with?

As a child I certainly believed in the one, true soul mate but then I also believed in the tooth fairy...hilariously, I didn't ever believe in Santa because the moment my parents told me that an old man would come into my room to give me presents, I broke down into a hysteria of uncontrollable tears, being totally heartbroken with the knowledge that an old man would come into my room. My well-meaning parents were forced to immediately come clean as the only way to effectively console me. I totally missed the point about getting presents but nonetheless you can't blame me for not wanting an old man in my room - that remains true today! However, do I still believe that Prince Charming will leave his castle just to rescue me, on his white horse, so that we can then go off into the sunset and live happily ever after? Is that how it works when you meet your soul mate?

Hmmmm……

There was a time when I was fairly certain that Nick Carter, from the Backstreet Boys, was my soul mate but that didn't quite get off the ground. Was he the ONE that got away?

I definitely like the concept of a soul mate and always feel encouraged and inspired by stories of people who have found their soul mate. You know the kind of stories where their eyes meet across the room and then everything works out perfectly forevermore…

I have heard of some miraculous stories where there was divine intervention that brought the happy couple together. I even met one couple who simply knew that they were destined to be together from their first date. Years later they are still happily in love. That would be a good date, so efficient!

It isn’t impossible. Is it?

Yet I can’t help but wonder why some people have these incredible stories of how they met and so many people do not. There are currently 7 billion people on earth so the logical part of me reasons that it is a bit unreasonable that there is just one person out there who we could be happy with. Or is the soul mate more than that? Either way I do ponder...

Is there anybody out there??????? 

(I can almost hear the echo.)

What if my soul mate happens to be a tribes man living in a remote area of the Amazon*? What chance will I have in finding the poor dude? I would definitely need divine intervention to ever meet him. I don’t often pop into the Amazon, in fact I haven’t ever popped into the Amazon and am unlikely to so. Does that mean I forgo my happiness because we simply never cross paths?

7 billion : 1

It isn’t great odds really. Luckily I am not one for betting. I wouldn’t be game for those odds! Having a good date is a rare enough occurrence but locating a soul mate is another matter altogether. I suppose it is like finding a needle in a haystack. 

  

When I go on a date for the first time, I have learnt to discern quickly whether we have a connection and if we will see each other again. You just know, instinctively, that for whatever reason, that it won’t go any further. I do wonder if perhaps it is the same experience when you meet your soul mate – you know. 

People do say that when you meet the ONE “you just know.” I do find this soul mate insight is very annoying because as a single person, without a soul mate, I can’t really make sense of that until I meet the ONE and then  I will be enlightened on the knowledge of this elusive being. However, until then you are left in the dark, clueless, wondering, could it be him? Or worse, crying out, where the hell is my Amazonian Prince?

I suppose this is the crux of my reluctance to accept that we all have a designated soul mate – I can’t understand it because it hasn’t happened to me, YET! Naturally I have hope that he will appear, but I simply cannot get this concept because my soul mate is still navigating his way through the Amazon or outback or both!

While a soul mate seems to me as unlikely as the existence of the Loch Ness Monster, it isn’t a proven impossibility. I accept that many people have happily found their soul mate, yet I do wonder about the people who have found and then lost their soul mate, through whatever circumstances. Could that be it for them, it is just one shot? Does this mean they never find love and happiness again?  I don' think so. That doesn’t sit well with me at all. 

Surely a soul mate is more than a magical moment of true love, as  so many Disney movies would have us believe but there must surely be a practical choice made to work it out with them no matter what. 

I do think that perhaps the soul mate is only truly found when both the head and heart come together and the choice is actively made that you will be together for better or for worse. It isn’t so much about Prince Charming on his white horse emerging from the Amazon but more of a conscious choice, that amid locking eyes together from across the room, that you will both, together, align your walk to be in time with each other. That is something to aspire to.

So I can't wholeheartedly affirm whether soul mates do or do not exist. I hope they do, but I don't truly know, yet! I will let you know when I come across mine because the one thing that does seem clear is that when you know, you just know! And yes, I do realize how unhelpful that is, yet there doesn't appear to be any other way to know, until you just know!

*Amazon could also be substituted for Sub-Sahara, Iceland, Timbuktu and basically anywhere else you can think of in the world.