What can your dog teach you about love?

Recently I observed a guy who was unlucky in love. Let’s call him Rick*. Rick was also a dog owner and he was very devoted to his dog, let’s call her Lisa**. Rick and Lisa had a typical dog/owner relationship and they adored each other. I saw how their relationship worked. Rick has been a single man for years and consequently Lisa was his bestie. They did everything together….from going to work, to going to the bathroom. Rick and Lisa were inseparable.

Not having the same passion for dogs myself (primarily due to severe allergies) I asked Rick a lot about his relationship with Lisa and especially why he devoted so much time to her – he probably spent more time with Lisa than anyone else in his world.

Rick explained to me that Lisa gave him unconditional love and how he would even die for her. Lisa was Rick’s big deal breaker in all of his romantic relationships, with a mindset of,

“Love me, love my dog.”

Lisa was clearly very devoted to Rick. I would watch Lisa scratch around in the dirt, licking everything on the floor and chewing things and then lovingly Rick would let her lick all over his face. I felt nauseous witnessing it but clearly there was a strong bond between them.

Dog are in some ways loyal companions but is loyalty the same as love? Perhaps for some people it doesn’t matter because the companionship is more important than love and it eliminates the truth that the owner is really the Master in of the dog. Perhaps that is enough for many people.

Did Lisa love Rick unconditionally?

Each morning Lisa would wake Rick up early, often before sunrise, because she wanted her breakfast. He gave it to her, without question or complaint. He spoke kindly and lovingly to Lisa, even when she was naughty. Rick played with Lisa. He would take her for daily swims at the beach and long walks every day. Before bedtime every night Lisa was conditioned to “ask” for a treat, because it was the end of the day and every day Rick would give in to her. Was Lisa’s love unconditional? Or was Rick such a kind dog owner that he brought the best out of her? I wondered.

Had Rick not been so attentive to Lisa and all of her needs I think her response to him would have been very different. What was the response of Lisa towards Rick's kindess? She would follow him around, wagging her tail, looking happy and (mostly) being obedient. 

Lisa’s love for Rick was on the basis of transaction.

"You do something for me, then I will do something for you." 

You only need to think about dogs that have been mistreated and abused to see that they respond very differently to their owners. Abused dogs do not respond in the way that Lisa responds to her good owner Rick.

This principal relates to human relationships too.

Understanding the needs of your loved ones is essential and trying to meet them each day by putting their needs ahead of yours will only benefit your relationships. Similarly, spending quality time together, like Rick did with Lisa at the beach, at work, at the park, even in the bathroom – it all impacts the quality of a relationship. By the same token, treating someone you love badly, will naturally evoke a similar reaction to treating a dog badly - withdrawal, mistrust and other negative responses that further damage a relationship.

Sometimes in human relationships there can be similar types of "transactions" which often we won't accept, pet seem to be the exception. Perhaps the conditions of a dog's commitment are so simple that it becomes preferable to those of complex human relationships. They are certainly more straight forwards! 

Maybe we should think about how we treat people to better understand the reasons for their response.

It is sad that Rick was so unlucky in love because he clearly had the capacity but perhaps for him, his true love will need to be on all fours! As cute and loyal as they are they are, dogs respond on impulse and the conditions of how you exist together. Truly unconditional love knows no boundaries or conditions, sometimes I can’t help but think that people get misled and deceived about what love really is.

*name changed to Rick. Rick rhymes with lick and Lisa liked to lick!

** name changed to protect the identity of the dog

Single people: this is why you should be very picky with who you date.

Often single people are advised to "not be so picky", this is well intended advice to somehow help us singles more easily find the ever elusive thing we call love. So amid this great quest, of a lifelong partner and soul mate, shouldn't pickiness actually be essential?

There have been a few occasions in my not yet distant enough past, where I have attempted to indeed be less picky. Instead of sticking to my guns, with the full knowledge of what I was looking for and who I would be compatible with, I did a terrible thing. I wavered. 

Yes, I wavered!

I am sure many single people reading this will have had similar experiences, although I do hope not, because the reality is they are not pleasant....

Richie* had made numerous efforts to spend time with me. He was nice, friendly and seemed like he was easy enough to get along with. There were things that seemed to align between us but then  a massive chasm of differences too. I should add there were two decades between us as well, so basically, yes, he was old! I used to joke that people observing us together would assume he was very rich to attract such a young woman as me. I was probably quite right! 

Early on, as I was getting to know Richie, I had brought up with him some of our most significant differences and on quite a few times yet he didn't appear to see any issues, so time went on, we kept dating. Spending more quality time together. Getting to know each other more. Gradually he grew on me. He kept growing on me. Growing more. And some more. A bit and a bit more. Quite like cancer really and before I knew it there is no going back. 

Clearly as our differences hadn't appeared to be an issue for Richie  as every time I had mentioned them he had been vague. This should have been enough of an indication that he wasn't truly on board with our relationship. I had simply believed him that everything would be okay. Of course this wasn't the case at all and everything fell apart. Or should I say, I fell apart as he went off partying into the sunset with a woman close to my mothers age and therefore much more age appropriate for him. It's probably for the best, especially in the long term but I failed to accept this fact from the sooner...

The writing was always on the wall with Richie - we were doomed from the start.

Dating Richie was a disappointment due to factors that were evident from week one of meeting him. I had already established that he really was far too old for me and there were a chasm of other differences that he wasn't prepared to discuss. While I was trying not to be so picky! 

At some point it was inevitable that Richie and I would have broken up one way or another, so him secretly finding a more age appropriate woman has cemented what my instincts told me. I could  have done myself a bigger favour though - had I not been so picky.  

I had given Richie my precious time in getting to know him. It took me a long time to decide if I even liked him and by the time I decided I did like him he was off anyway! So perhaps I made a bad call with this dude? It happens - that is what dating is all about. I took the chance  and gave him the benefit of the doubt and it was a mistake. I tried make a go at it with him amid all the indications that he really wasn't what I was looking for. I have got the reminder that I needed loud and clear-

YOU CANNOT BE TOO PICKY. 

BE PICKY.

THEN ADD MORE PICKINESS! 

YOU CANNOT BE PICKY ENOUGH WHEN DISCERNING YOUR PARTNER.

While Richie left me much, MUCH richer in the knowledge of exactly what I was looking for. This was hard and painful lesson to learn but a good reminder that a lack of pickiness serves no one.

*name changed to Richie because it rhymes with picky, a good reminder.....