UNEDITED: Is it possible to delete away the things you simply don't like?

I was mildly amused when I recently discovered that an old acquaintance of mine had deleted me from Facebook. Once upon a time we had a wonderful season of friendship together but staying in contact had proven to be problematic so it wasn't a huge shock when our friendship was suddenly removed with the click of a button. 

I am a bit of a minimalist and my philosophy is that if you are not physically present in my life then you are not really a 'friend'. Harsh but true. The friends that I seek are ones with authentic, genuine, friendships behind them and hopefully I get to see them face to face, from time to time as part of the friendship.

Am I asking for too much?!!!

It was only by chance that I even realized that I had been edited out of his life, when a mutual friend had said something about a post of his dog. I admit, one less 'dog' post on my Facebook news feed is greatly appreciated. As I reflected on his editing out of our 'friendship' I thought about the posts of mine he had clearly disliked in the past for all kind of reasons - reasons that will remain present in his life regardless of our Facebook 'friend' status. 

Yep, the reality is, the things that come our way which we don't like, don't automatically get omitted from life, in the same way that pressing 'unfriend' or even better 'block' can remove the odd picture or two of a dog! The canine species will still exist and will drive me nuts regardless of who may or may not be posting them on Facebook and I simply have to deal with it. 

So while perhaps a so called friendship can be deleted, yet there remains the question of whether you should try and delete things in life that you don't like. Perhaps a better way is to face the things head on?...

While a communication channel can be 'deleted' on Facebook and contact automatically ceases, that is sadly not that unusual, it happens all the time - even with genuine friendships communication often runs dry. However, the loss of communication in the present, cannot impact the past. For example, can memories, history, feelings, moments and experiences all be removed with the click of a button? 

Can memories, history, feelings, moments and experiences all be removed with the click of a button? 

Maybe, eventually, with time, perhaps these things could fade. However, the truth of what happened in the past is, well, it is the truth! It happened and will always be there. You cannot deny the past. As they say... the truth is always out there. You simply cannot delete the past, only perhaps make an attempt at changing the future of a friendship. 

For thousands of years people have used history to make sense of who they are now, today. This means that everyone you come across and experience, will somehow, shape or form who you are in one way or another, even if you try and delete it. It's humanity. It's life. So while in moments of anger, sadness, grief and perhaps even regret, may cause you to do something totally irrational, it cannot be denied that the past will always be simply unedited. It is what it is. It is there for all to see in its fullness. The past will remain whether you like it or not. 

....the past will always be unedited.

So to my newest 'unfriend', (who I know reads this blog) I am happy to still be your actual friend, which is far better, should you step back into my life and seek true friendship. Why? Because that's what friendship is all about... forgiveness, moving on together amid the good, the bad and even the deleting! Friendships are one of the most valuable assets in life - life is far richer with great friends.

Indeed, what is life without the people you adore?

Life is progressive and part of that is making sense of the past (including the parts that you don't like and would rather delete) and building on it for a better future. Perhaps the parts that you don't like, may not be as bad as you assume - including the ones that supposedly are weird or even lurk in the shadows of Facebook or wherever. They may appear like a shark waiting to bite and hurt you but perhaps they aren't sharks at all. Things often seem to be something they are not, especially in murky water..... especially on social media.

To be continued....

The last supper?

Sometimes something happens for the very last time and at the time you don't realize that it's the end, as there is little or no warning but suddenly it is all over and never to be the same again. It is shocking, surprising and in my experience rather distressing. 

Once upon a time, I had been in a relationship with someone and it got to the fairly significant point in our time together when we were not looking to call it a day but actually bring our families together and meet. This is a good thing, right? 

This is a point of time in a relationship that I have rarely achieved. It's significant. This was no longer simple coffee catch ups, sprinkled with the odd dinner. Nope! This was a moment beyond the two of us. We were now involving our most significant loved ones. 

I can almost hear the drum roll....

We had a very civilized lunch. All went well. He was on his best behaviour. My clan followed their careful instructions and all went well. There was plenty of mutual ground between us all and it was a really pleasant time together. In fact it was so pleasant that my darling boyfriend had taken it upon himself to make plans with my mother for a few days later, entirely independently of me. Whooooooa! 

As we said our goodbyes he and my mum were like old buddies, they had even walked his dog along the beach together! This all seemed a bit like, well, yes, a walk along the beach! 

Can you imagine my surprise when no more than three hours later my beloved boyfriend calls me with an ultimatum?! Yup. Suddenly it was make or break. His tone was aggressive...

"You're allergic to my dog so you really need to decide what you want to do." 

What? Where on earth had this come from?! We just had a lovely time together and what had happened during that short time apart? 

Yes I'm allergic to dogs. He had always known that. He has a dog. I have know that since I rejected him for that very reason when our dating profiles 'matched' online but as it turned out we met anyway.

I get it - he loves his dog. Most dog lovers are the same. I should in this case he looooooooooooves his dog to the point of worship. 

We had discussed this when we met and how we very different perspectives on the value of the canine species. We had agreed we could work around my allergy and his dog. I was reluctant but gave in and gave the relationship a go. Thus far it was, mostly, worthwhile, (despite the impact of my allergies) so here we were meeting families and making plans for the future. Suddenly it had become a deal breaker - and entirely my decision! 

I asked him to chat with me face to face. He was abrupt and very closed to that suggestion. Why was the future of OUR whole relationship suddenly in my hands? He had clearly made his decision, he just wasn't strong enough to tell me. The excuse of my allergies didn't make sense. None of it made sense and probably never will. That's okay.... 

Our last supper together was happy, fun and full of hope. I never saw him again despite his plans and promises and my requests. I don't know what he was smoking that afternoon after our last supper but I'm truly glad that I'm no longer involved with him. I am thankful that I have been able to continue being happy, having fun and most of all full of hope - which is surely at the heart of the last supper. 

When actions kiss louder than words

A little while ago I found myself in a great conversation with a fascinating and very handsome, young man. As you will know from previous blogs, this is rather rare for me...okay, near impossible, yet here I was talking to Cameron*...

I had been out with friends that evening, as had he, and somehow we all got chatting and now all our respective friends had disappeared. My objective for the evening was not to think about my ridiculous ex-boyfriend. Miraculously he didn't cross my mind once. There we were, just Cameron and I,  the two of us happily chatting away like long lost friend, except we were absolute strangers.

It was far from a date but the casual observer could have been fooled into thinking it was. In fact, I had taken a vow of "non-dating" so it was incredible that Cameron and I crossed paths in the first place. I must have been in good cheer as I really couldn't care to speak to any of our male species....unless they were delivering me cocktails! 

The conversation was raw with Cameron. He carried pain in his heart, as did I. We openly shared about our lives and how we got to that roof top bar on that evening. It was serene. Our lives were very different so we had a lot to talk about. He fascinated me.

We connected on a level that was really authentic. There were no barriers or front between us, it was real and genuine. Neither of us felt the need to apologize or soften who we were to each other, we weren't even there to impress each other, but to move on with our lives. Cameron's view of the world and relationships really challenged me, for the better. He was wise well beyond his youthful short years on earth. He had clearly spent some time in deep thought and soul searching. 

His good looks and charm made me nervous. I caught myself wondering where this interaction was leading to. For various reasons, neither of us could consider a relationship, let alone a relationship with each other. Perhaps the most significant impact someone can have on your life is simply contained to the briefest moment that you have together as your lives cross paths? Maybe this was the case with Cameron? I could have lived in that moment forever.

It was almost time to say goodbye and suddenly I felt nervous. We had an incredible connection and now it was time to say goodbye! We walked together towards the exit. I thanked him for a lovely time together and went to kiss him on the cheek. At that moment he turned his head so our lips touched!

He was bold. Direct. Strong. I felt the world was spinning around me. I was soon grounded when I noticed we had amassed a small audience and made some feeble excuse and literally ran, yep, I ran away from Cameron! What on earth must he think of me?! 

Perhaps in some ways this interaction was good timing, perhaps in another way it was bad timing. I am still unsure. What I am sure of is that things can change very quickly - in a moment an interaction can change your whole perspective of life and love and importantly bring hope for the future.

Once my feet were back on solid ground I casually mentioned to my dear mother that I had a great evening with a wonderful man, amid the challenges that life had thrown at him, she asked me only one question, "but did he kiss you?"

Sometimes actions speak louder than words, regardless of whatever you may be going through.   

* Name changed to Cameron because, for some reason, that is the name he chose for himself...