Online dating: this is why I won't click on your profile

Often I find myself in discussions about online dating. The pros. The cons. The surprises when you meet them in person.... It is undeniable that as more and more of our lives move online that relationships do - or at least the introductions. 

As you have possibly read, in earlier posts, I have done a fair share of online dating. I have a bit of a love hate relationship with it. I love it because it is easy and accessible but hate it because it is so time consuming and has typically been unsuccessful in finding a real connection with anyone. This is after a decade long commitment to it. 

As I have scrolled through endless profiles over the years, I can hear the voices of friends in my life (typically guys) ask me "why don't women click on my profile?" I feel for them, they are decent guys. As part of my own search for love I have naturally been  online profiles. Then I noticed why I wasn't clicking on most of them. There was a theme. It was due to the opening headlines of some of guys online profiles. Here are some examples and my thoughts about why I didn't bother to reach out to them......

Darren, 36 "What can I say? Okay so a bit about me....This is the part I normally stuff up..."

What do I think? "Darren, it would appear that you are correct - you have already stuffed it up! At least you are honest, I suppose."


Mike, 31 "I am a lawyer. I love my occupation. I love working."

My thoughts are, "Must be time to get back to work Mike, or even, time to find some hobbies or even a life or even your identity. Mike you are more than your job!"


Dave, 33 "Have fun, live, grow!"

My response, "Are you a motivational coach Dave? Perhaps you are on the wrong website?"


Adam, 35 "I am fairly centered when those around me tend to lose their heads."

What do I think, "Adam, what type of people do you hang with? No wonder you are only 'fairly centered'.... what does 'lose their heads' even mean? In fact, never mind, I am off! " 

NEXT.

Sam, 34 "Cheeky."

I have no words for this. 


Mike, 39 "Maldives, Dubai and Paris are the places we would visit together."

My thoughts are, "Mike, you sound full of it. I don't even know if I want a coffee with you, let alone go on a long haul flight to the other side of the world. Bon voyage!"


Jack, 30 "Hmmmm I guess I am kind."

This one got me thinking "Jack you need to take some time to find yourself and find out exactly who you are, and whether you are actually kind. 'Guessing' you are kind, is not enough for me. I need someone who knows who he is - without taking a guess." I guess I know enough about you already.


Cam, 28 "I am clumsy but generally competent."

What? This is how you are introducing yourself to me? What does 'generally' competent mean? These are traits, who are you Cam? Can the real Cam please stand up!


Ian, 33 "Easy going guy that likes to laugh."

Does anyone not enjoy laughing? Is it even possible to not enjoy laughing? 


Frank, 38 "Easy going guy that likes to laugh."

This sounds familiar, do you ever go by the name of Ian?


Matt, 27, "Easy going guy that likes to laugh."

Okay so you have also paid for someone to write your profile?! Creative. Generic, boring and sounds suspicious...maybe a fake profile, or catfish. Whatever the case I am not interested in finding out anymore. Bye.

Perhaps I am a bit harsh but there are so many profiles to scroll through that you simply cannot click on each one of them. It is a needle in a hay-stack type of operation and time consuming enough as it is. So for me, and probably many other woman (and men), having opening headlines like the above make it easier to eliminate people from the list, especially those who don't seem to have a clear grasp of who they are. 

My advice is to really think about who you are and to concisely communicate that in your headline. Be accurate, honest and be aware of humour - it doesn't always come across well when written, as opposed to in person. Even if you are an easy going guy that likes to laugh, tell me more, be more specific about WHO you are and what makes you tick. After all the whole point of dating is getting to know someone.

I didn't believe in love at first sight until I saw him!

Dating has been rather challenging for me over the course of my life, as you can probably gather from the tons of articles I have written on the subject. While I try and maintain a level of optimism and hope that one day it will all be worthwhile, I also try and be rather realistic about how things may go and have very few expectations along the way. 

I have previously said that I don't believe in soul mates and the idea of love at first sight, unless you need to go to SpecSavers. It is all just a bit far fetched, for me. I realize it  may be that is possible, but  probably only if chocolate is involved... or David Beckham and yet when I did eventually meet Becks I was a bit underwhelmed and so instead asked him "where's Victoria?!" Reinforcing my point that love is a bit more than the blinking of an eye.

All of these mindsets that I have held for so long were well and good until I saw HIM! This is what happened....

I was having dinner in a nice restaurant with a girlfriend and a few random people I had never met before. For some reason I looked up our eyes met (yes, just like in the movies, there were probably even angels singing the Hallelujah chorus too) and my entire being screamed YES!  It was the first time that I had ever had that kind of reaction when initially seeing someone - YES. Simple. Clear. Direct. YES!

Everything about him was "YES". 

Thankfully I was able to silently scream YES, another miracle in the story! As our eyes met, I quickly looked away and just as quickly looked back. He was still looking at me! I blushed. Still I was transfixed on him. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was magnetic.

As he walked past our dinner table, my eyes followed him and I could no longer hear my friend talking to me (even though she has a voice like a fog horn) nor could I or feel my hunger pains (we had a late booking at the restaurant!). My heart was beating so hard that I was sure he could hear it. Perhaps it even registered on the Richter Scale?!. 

Who was this incredible being? 

I had to find out who this wonderful man was! While I didn't actually know that he was indeed wonderful, there was something that made me sense it - I simply just knew it. He was good looking  for sure but there was more to him than that... something deeper. For the majority of the dinner I failed to eat much and could barely speak and as I was transfixed on him. 

Before me was possibly the only opportunity I had in meeting this man. So I was desperately trying to plot all kinds of ways to speak to him.....maybe I could accidentally (on purpose) fall into his table and he could rescue me? Or perhaps I could get one of the waiters to slip him my details? Or even if I had a really big net I could simply....never mind. 

I had to remind myself that I knew nothing at all about this handsome stranger and for all I knew he was married with children, or even gay! Yet there was some undeniable connection between us, I felt something....maybe it was just our mutual hunger for dinner yet I couldn't deny there was some eye contact and even the exchange of a few smiles. Something was going on...

As the evening drew to a close it was increasingly clear that it was pretty impossible for us to meet that night. While I had thought up a few ridiculous ways of initiating conversation there wasn't much I could realistically do. Unless I was okay with the possibility of being sectioned under the Mental Health Act, something that I did consider deeply while trying to focus on eating my salmon. Nope, this one I will leave to the Divine to bring us together again if only it is meant to be.....

The story doesn't end here, except today, for you, it does! So what is the moral in all of this? In short, the things we think and tell ourselves to be 'truths' may not be as true as we think. Sometime Divine intervention is actually all you truly need...

....to be continued.

What on earth was I thinking? The blessing of hindsight...

As I reflect back on certain dates and how I allowed some of them to progress into relationships (very short lived, thankfully), I have found myself wondering "What on earth was I thinking?" It takes sufficient time to elapse to have this wonderful insight and it isn't very helpful in the moment but in hindsight I must have surely been on another planet, captured by aliens or somehow off with the fairies to see these boys more than once!

For example...

Luke* a seemingly nice guy who within a few weeks I realized was actually not so nice at all. No. Luke turned out to be a paranoid hypochondriac and that was the least of his issues! Poor Luke had more issues than Vogue. Indeed, when I got really unwell (with hay fever) he was absolutely convinced that I had maliciously infected him with my allergies as well. Yeah Luke was no doctor and clearly had no idea that allergic reactions are actually not contagious, especially infectious enough to jump across a dinner table and attack his immunity! I was delighted to self medicate myself out of that relationship. 

Amusingly, Luke was prepared to "be the bigger person" and "give me a second chance"! Such generosity! I took my box of tissues (for my runny nose and eyes - there were no tears shed for him) and moved on, in fact it took me longer to get over my hay fever than Luke. So I happily never gave him a second thought, let alone a second chance.  Until now, when I reflect "what on earth was I thinking?" 

Russ** once again a seemingly decent dude (aren't they all at the start) until after a little while it became evident that not only was he in love with another woman (yep, I pick them so well) but the other woman wasn't of the human species but a canine. Yes, Russ was in love with his mutt. Truly. (I can already hear your laughter, even my dear mother still finds this hilarious,which it is.) Now as I have already explained I have allergies, they are pretty severe and I get so unwell that I can barely breathe. It was very evident that Russ's doggy darling also made me very unwell. 

Russ had slightly more compassion than Luke (mainly has Luke had zero compassion) as he did on occasions attempt to remove some of the dog hair that totally smothered his car for me and didn't blame me for getting unwell. Still it impacted me, so I would desperately try not to breathe while we were in transit and even on some occasions found it beneficial to act like his first love and hang my head out of the window and drool at passing cars, or pigeons or whatever as it saved me from turning blue from holding my breath for too long or the alternative of inhaling half a dog! 

Alas my efforts were futile as Russ announced his deal breaker was someone who cannot live with a dog, and all the while there was me holding my breath so that I could co-exist with the mutt to be with Russ! Can't say I didn't try but yes, I know, breathing is important in life. Yep, "what on earth was I thinking?" Lack of oxygen does impact the brain function, don't you know?...

Hopefully my judgement has since improved after these disasters with Luke and Russ. What is the lesson from all of this? We all make mistakes and live and learn from them, in my case I can also laugh quite a lot, thanks guys! I think this is one of the downfalls of dating - there are always some disasters but that is the fun of it (if you can call it fun having such bad allergies that not only destroy relationships but make you so unwell you cannot breathe!) but you know what I mean. 

Ultimately dating is about spending time with someone until you realize you no longer want to do so or that you want to take things further. In that light, I have been quite efficient in realizing just how unsuitable these guys have been for me, and me for them! So then, what on earth was I thinking?... I suppose I simply wasn't thinking at all. I gave it a go with these two crazies, which hindsight has revealed, wasn't a good idea at all, and that my friends is the moral of this story! 

*Luke was definitely not called Luke, take that as Gospel.
** Russ is the appropriate name of choice because he was like a jack RUSSel = a bit small and yappy.

"Thanks but no thanks" how to politely decline another date.

If you have been on more than a few dates then I am sure you will have had the experience of meeting someone who is really into you and wants to see you again and is super keen but you just don't feel any of it. In fact you don't even want to see them again. I have been in this situation a more times that I would like to admit and feel it will always remain a mystery to me as to how my date can interpret things so differently from me! Anyway......So how do you tell them you aren't interested?

I should note that the medium that you choose to communicate that you aren't interested is also important and that does depend on the length of your relationship but not for discussion today. I also need to admit that I haven't always been the best at politely declining guys advances over my eons of dating. However, I have learnt some things along the way and there are certainly some ways that are better than others in graciously saying "thanks but no thanks". Here are a few other things to keep in mind....

Don't ghost

Firstly, I would say please never ghost someone. If you are unfamiliar with the term, ghosting is when you just disappear and as if you have fallen off the planet. Ghosting isn't nice, is very rude and actually is pretty cowardly. So while it may be tough to have an honest conversation it is actually really important that you do so that you can both move on. 

Be kind

We can always learn things from the people you come across in life, whether you meet them on a date or walking your dog. If someone has been gracious enough to give you their time be kind in how you communicate how you do not desire any more of their time. I always try and include something really positive to say to them, which I genuinely mean, such as "it was great to meet you" and "I wish you all the very best for the future." It is tough being single so we should support and encourage our other single brothers and sisters, even if you dated them and perhaps wished you hadn't bothered (we have all been there!). Still be kind, the struggle is real and we all feel it.

Be honest but not too detailed

Honesty really is the best policy. I remember once going on a date with a guy, who frankly, I found boring. He was a lovely man but did nothing for me except make me wish I was at home doing my laundry, or anything other than hang out with him. We weren't a good match. The poor guy seemed to really like something about me and kept asking enthusiastically asking me out! After a few dates it was clear I had to tell him I didn't want to see him again. This was difficult because by all accounts he was a great guy, but a great guy who bored me to the extent that I found myself day dreaming about my household chores as escapism while in his company. Did I ever tell him this? NEVER. No! Instead I tried my best to graciously explain that while it was good getting to know him I felt we should part ways. That was it. He was surprised and explained his disappointment but I am quite sure that was not short lived because now I hear he is happily married! I am delighted for him and feel pleased that in my releasing him he is now happily with someone who probably day dreams about him and not housework! 

Remember that on this treacherous quest for love there will be many decoys along the way and you could also be a decoy for someone else. Indeed, surely it is much better to be upfront and tell them you aren't interested so that you can free them to meet someone else who may be the one for them. Equally you are free to do the same yourself. That is an empowering thought and something you should do as soon as you know that they are not for you. Of course, the shoe can always be on the other foot, so if someone doesn't want to see you any more, then your response is best received with kindness, honesty and grace. 

Why I am not jealous of Meghan Markle

This week is an exciting one in the royal Windsor house-hold as Prince Harry (formally Prince Henry Charles Albert David Windsor) of Wales will be marrying Meghan Markle. 

Another eligible bachelor is to soon be unavailable and single women all around the world will enviously be watching the televised nuptials take place at Windsor Castle. I will definitely be tuning in but I certainly wont be wishing I was Meghan, not at all. Not even one cell in my body will be wishing I was Meghan. 

While Prince Harry is an attractive guy and clearly knows how to enjoy himself, marrying a prince has many duties, responsibilities and expectations that the commoner really cannot appreciate, not until it is too late. Princess Diana learnt that, the hard way. 

As an upcoming member of the Royal Family Meghan will face a lifetime of official duties in the UK and abroad and at times even represent the Queen. Naturally there will be numerous privileges that Meghan will experience but becoming a member of the Royal Family, is more than marrying a hot prince. Being a Royal entails a lengthy job description, in a role that you have never done before, have had little practice in and you certainly do not have room to make mistakes. 

It is unlikely that Meghan will be on a throne having someone feeding her peeled grapes all day. No, Meghan is going to have to get to work and hard work it will be. 

As we saw with the tragic death of Princess Diana of Wales that marrying into the royal family also entails a life of media scrutiny - even when you are no longer officially part of the Royal Family. Meghan's Hollywood fame is nothing compared to the global attention she will now have for the rest of her life because of who she has chosen to marry. Marrying a royal has significant fine print that is also part of the marriage contract and there are no escape clauses! I know that I would not be up for it.... sorry Harry. 

I don't mean to sound cynical because I am happy for the couple. Of course I am, I mean who doesn't love a good wedding? It is wonderful when a couple come together and chose to commit themselves to each other for better or worse, for the rest of their lives. I am genuinely happy for Meghan and Harry and actually somewhat relieved for myself! 

Yes, I am grateful that Meghan has agreed to marry Harry and removed him as one of the most eligible bachelors on the planet. This may not seem like a good thing but it really is a good thing because I have been saved from falling for his good looks and British charm.... and if you are a single woman reading this, then you should be grateful too. Thank you Meghan your sacrifice has enabled our freedom! 

Three cheers for the happy couple!

What can your dog teach you about love?

Recently I observed a guy who was unlucky in love. Let’s call him Rick*. Rick was also a dog owner and he was very devoted to his dog, let’s call her Lisa**. Rick and Lisa had a typical dog/owner relationship and they adored each other. I saw how their relationship worked. Rick has been a single man for years and consequently Lisa was his bestie. They did everything together….from going to work, to going to the bathroom. Rick and Lisa were inseparable.

Not having the same passion for dogs myself (primarily due to severe allergies) I asked Rick a lot about his relationship with Lisa and especially why he devoted so much time to her – he probably spent more time with Lisa than anyone else in his world.

Rick explained to me that Lisa gave him unconditional love and how he would even die for her. Lisa was Rick’s big deal breaker in all of his romantic relationships, with a mindset of,

“Love me, love my dog.”

Lisa was clearly very devoted to Rick. I would watch Lisa scratch around in the dirt, licking everything on the floor and chewing things and then lovingly Rick would let her lick all over his face. I felt nauseous witnessing it but clearly there was a strong bond between them.

Dog are in some ways loyal companions but is loyalty the same as love? Perhaps for some people it doesn’t matter because the companionship is more important than love and it eliminates the truth that the owner is really the Master in of the dog. Perhaps that is enough for many people.

Did Lisa love Rick unconditionally?

Each morning Lisa would wake Rick up early, often before sunrise, because she wanted her breakfast. He gave it to her, without question or complaint. He spoke kindly and lovingly to Lisa, even when she was naughty. Rick played with Lisa. He would take her for daily swims at the beach and long walks every day. Before bedtime every night Lisa was conditioned to “ask” for a treat, because it was the end of the day and every day Rick would give in to her. Was Lisa’s love unconditional? Or was Rick such a kind dog owner that he brought the best out of her? I wondered.

Had Rick not been so attentive to Lisa and all of her needs I think her response to him would have been very different. What was the response of Lisa towards Rick's kindess? She would follow him around, wagging her tail, looking happy and (mostly) being obedient. 

Lisa’s love for Rick was on the basis of transaction.

"You do something for me, then I will do something for you." 

You only need to think about dogs that have been mistreated and abused to see that they respond very differently to their owners. Abused dogs do not respond in the way that Lisa responds to her good owner Rick.

This principal relates to human relationships too.

Understanding the needs of your loved ones is essential and trying to meet them each day by putting their needs ahead of yours will only benefit your relationships. Similarly, spending quality time together, like Rick did with Lisa at the beach, at work, at the park, even in the bathroom – it all impacts the quality of a relationship. By the same token, treating someone you love badly, will naturally evoke a similar reaction to treating a dog badly - withdrawal, mistrust and other negative responses that further damage a relationship.

Sometimes in human relationships there can be similar types of "transactions" which often we won't accept, pet seem to be the exception. Perhaps the conditions of a dog's commitment are so simple that it becomes preferable to those of complex human relationships. They are certainly more straight forwards! 

Maybe we should think about how we treat people to better understand the reasons for their response.

It is sad that Rick was so unlucky in love because he clearly had the capacity but perhaps for him, his true love will need to be on all fours! As cute and loyal as they are they are, dogs respond on impulse and the conditions of how you exist together. Truly unconditional love knows no boundaries or conditions, sometimes I can’t help but think that people get misled and deceived about what love really is.

*name changed to Rick. Rick rhymes with lick and Lisa liked to lick!

** name changed to protect the identity of the dog

Single people: this is why you should be very picky with who you date.

Often single people are advised to "not be so picky", this is well intended advice to somehow help us singles more easily find the ever elusive thing we call love. So amid this great quest, of a lifelong partner and soul mate, shouldn't pickiness actually be essential?

There have been a few occasions in my not yet distant enough past, where I have attempted to indeed be less picky. Instead of sticking to my guns, with the full knowledge of what I was looking for and who I would be compatible with, I did a terrible thing. I wavered. 

Yes, I wavered!

I am sure many single people reading this will have had similar experiences, although I do hope not, because the reality is they are not pleasant....

Richie* had made numerous efforts to spend time with me. He was nice, friendly and seemed like he was easy enough to get along with. There were things that seemed to align between us but then  a massive chasm of differences too. I should add there were two decades between us as well, so basically, yes, he was old! I used to joke that people observing us together would assume he was very rich to attract such a young woman as me. I was probably quite right! 

Early on, as I was getting to know Richie, I had brought up with him some of our most significant differences and on quite a few times yet he didn't appear to see any issues, so time went on, we kept dating. Spending more quality time together. Getting to know each other more. Gradually he grew on me. He kept growing on me. Growing more. And some more. A bit and a bit more. Quite like cancer really and before I knew it there is no going back. 

Clearly as our differences hadn't appeared to be an issue for Richie  as every time I had mentioned them he had been vague. This should have been enough of an indication that he wasn't truly on board with our relationship. I had simply believed him that everything would be okay. Of course this wasn't the case at all and everything fell apart. Or should I say, I fell apart as he went off partying into the sunset with a woman close to my mothers age and therefore much more age appropriate for him. It's probably for the best, especially in the long term but I failed to accept this fact from the sooner...

The writing was always on the wall with Richie - we were doomed from the start.

Dating Richie was a disappointment due to factors that were evident from week one of meeting him. I had already established that he really was far too old for me and there were a chasm of other differences that he wasn't prepared to discuss. While I was trying not to be so picky! 

At some point it was inevitable that Richie and I would have broken up one way or another, so him secretly finding a more age appropriate woman has cemented what my instincts told me. I could  have done myself a bigger favour though - had I not been so picky.  

I had given Richie my precious time in getting to know him. It took me a long time to decide if I even liked him and by the time I decided I did like him he was off anyway! So perhaps I made a bad call with this dude? It happens - that is what dating is all about. I took the chance  and gave him the benefit of the doubt and it was a mistake. I tried make a go at it with him amid all the indications that he really wasn't what I was looking for. I have got the reminder that I needed loud and clear-

YOU CANNOT BE TOO PICKY. 

BE PICKY.

THEN ADD MORE PICKINESS! 

YOU CANNOT BE PICKY ENOUGH WHEN DISCERNING YOUR PARTNER.

While Richie left me much, MUCH richer in the knowledge of exactly what I was looking for. This was hard and painful lesson to learn but a good reminder that a lack of pickiness serves no one.

*name changed to Richie because it rhymes with picky, a good reminder.....