Living the dream.....?

There is something highly attractive about a man who knows what he wants from life and going after exactly that. I know this can be tough and finding your way can be hard but stepping out and finding your life's purpose by trying different things is also a great way to keep progressing and moving forwards. Being passive and waiting for the writing to appear on the wall is probably not the type of divine intervention that will shed light on what to do with the time and skills that you have been blessed with.

When I met Billy* we got on okay and had a great conversation and I was feeling hopeful. We met at TGI Fridays and had dinner, of course it was a Friday night, and overall the night was going really well. We got on nicely, had a few things in common and discussed our travel plans. 

Billy shared with me his life long dream. It felt like a very intimate moment as Billy started pouring out his heart, explaining to me his love of country music, although he persists in a job he isn't passionate about. Billy, it seems, was actually a talented musician and had been paid to sing for a number of famous artists, so famous I can't actually recall any of their names, but if I could, be assured, you would be very impressed.

VERY IMPRESSED.

Billy's dream was to follow his love of country music to its origins in Nashville Tennessee. Sounds fair to me.

I asked him when he was going to make this epic and life changing trip and he looked at me blankly. I repeated my question. Billy replied, "I can't go." What?! 

My mind began to wonder about all of the reasons why this could be.... perhaps he needed a passport, or had a sick family member he needed to attend to (how kind he must be) or no, perhaps he was actually wanted by the authorities for doing something terrible, or maybe he had an incurable fear of flying or something else.... I had to get to the bottom of this and asked him, "why?" and his response shocked me. 

"It is too expensive."

Travel is always expensive, in both money and time. I was not shocked that the cost would be a barrier to Billy fulfilling his dream but I was shocked that he felt the expense would prevent his dream from ever being a reality. Surely that is the biggest cost in life, not living your dreams?! Indeed, Billy had not put in place any goals or plans to make his dream a reality.

Billy was a dreamer, not a doer.

Keep in mind I am not only a fairly practical woman (unless DIY or other home renovations are involved) and on top of that I am also an immigrant to Australia, when I followed my dream to move here, so I was entirely bemused that Billy would let cost be such a barrier to him. My concern for Billy was not from a place of judgement but of personal experience. I once heard a wonderful quote that travel is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer. That is richer in life experiences and all that stuff. I agree. I felt heart ache that poor Billy felt he could never even consider achieving his dream.

I took out my mobile phone (usually a banned item from the dinner table) and searched for flights from Sydney to Nashville the leaving the next day. I asked Billy how much he anticipated the cost to be. It turned out the actual cost of the tickets for his dream trip were only one third of what he had expected. When I informed Billy of this fact he was shocked. He couldn't believe it. Then I realized Billy hadn't even researched his 'dream' trip. He hadn't come close to taking any steps at all to make his dream a reality.

NOTHING.

We are all on different journeys and this is not to judge Billy or other people in similar situations. However, I strongly believe in taking up every opportunity that life gives us because making the most of life is so important.

I had to restrain myself from marching Billy to the airport and loading him on to a plane to Nashville that evening - just to make sure he got there. Instead as the evening came to a close I cheekily told him, "It was a nice evening getting to know you. It would be great for you to call me to meet up again - when you have got back from Nashville because I want to hear all about it." Interestingly, Billy hasn't called me since and I just hope he is still in Nashville having such a blast that he has forgotten all about me.

*name changed to Billy sounds like the name of a famous country music singer, don't you think?!

The Lucky Escape...

Sometimes when a relationship doesn't work out it isn't sad at all but in fact a relief that it is over. 

The end of something bad, can actually be really good! 

If a relationship isn't working out then it can be best for both parties to move on sooner rather than later. Hindsight is great for discerning a lucky relationship escape, especially if you see how the course of their life goes and perhaps experience relief that you are no part of it! 

I can wholeheartedly say that I have had many lucky escapes. In fact, most, if not all, of my failed relationships are lucky escapes! There have been a couple of guys I have dated over the years, who seemed okay at the time, but now looking back, I thank God that those relationships were never more than a short term thing!

I thank God for my lucky escapes.

As time goes on and your respective lives take their course, things can become even more clear just how unsuitable you were for each other, which may not have been as obvious while you were dating.Getting to know someone is part of the course and discerning whether you are compatible and if you're not provides your cue to move on.

Granted, it can take a while to get to know someone well and early on in a relationship there can be a focus on chemistry or the physical attraction that you have towards each other, of course this generally dissolves with time, leaving a questionable basis for a solid relationship. 

Staying in a relationship for too long is harmful for both parties. I think the key to a lucky escape is knowing when to move on and acting on it, after all if you know it isn't right then it doesn't serve either of you to draw out breaking up when it is inevitable. 

Unhealthy relationships should be addressed, to protect yourself and the other person. The alternative is to stay and try and make something work that won't. Why put a square peg in a round hole? 

While I have had a couple of lucky escapes over the years, I also think that for each of the guys in question who it didn't work out with were also lucky escapees! I am sure they would agree with the wisdom of hindsight! Indeed, my lucky escapes have been lucky for both parties because either we really weren't matched well or there was some other issue that would eventually lead to relationship doom.

So lucky escapes go both ways!

I have had a couple of ex-boyfriends move on and now be happily married, and I genuinely couldn't be more delighted for them. At the same time, I am also delighted for myself being no part of something that wasn't going to work out so beautifully! Seeing how their lives have developed has only reinforced to me that things do work out in the end, but perhaps not in a way you expect at a certain moment in time. 

So is it really a lucky escape or simply relationships that were never going to work out well?!... Either way I am grateful for the outcome, which is always a good reminder whenever a door closes!

Can Ex's be friends?

This could be my shortest ever blog post because from where I sit the answer to the question of whether you can be friends with your ex is very simple. 

No.

Ex's are ex's not friends. They come into your life and then they go. I can see that there could be the desire to keep them in your life, you liked them, maybe even loved them....perhaps the romance faded over time or you were simply left with a friendship and not an empty shell of what was once a romantic connection, so possibly a friendship would work out but why have the added baggage of a failed romance as part of that friendship? 

If  there are children involved I can certainly appreciate that the situation is different and that there are very real responsibilities that need to be the focus of the relationship. Even so, that does not necessarily mean it is a friendship. Or perhaps if your ex was a friend before you got together, then perhaps the situation would be a bit different. However, if they have only ever had a romantic connection in your life, then the transition to friendship is new and I would argue much more complicated. It is not impossible to be friends with your ex, many people admirably are, but why would you want that? There are other ways to get more friends than transition ex's into the friend-zone. 

How can you move on in life if you are still hanging out with your ex? What message does that say to new relationship prospects? I know I wouldn't be a fan of dating someone who still was friends with his ex. No thanks buddy. 

Perhaps the question is SHOULD you be friends with your ex? 

What are the implications on your life and the lives of others if you do move forwards with a friendship? An ex is the result of a broken relationship. I feel it is best to take the brokenness and move on, find healing and to do that independently - you have broken up with them after-all. 

Maybe, at the most, after a few eons, or another ice age, then there could be space for a glimmer of a friendship but from where I am sat that would be little more than a quick "hello how are you?" as I am walking by getting on with my own business. 

I'm looking for my best friend and having an ex in your life is likely to put him off, so I need to sacrifice what is already in the past in order to find him. Equally I want my ex's to have the same freedom to do exactly the same. Naturally, I wish them well, care for them and their family and friends as well, but there is a separation that is required in order to move on in life, that is why you split up - to not be together! Yes a friendship is very different but the dynamic is never the same after you have been so close to someone. An ex brings a different dynamic to a relationship than any other type of friendship and I am not looking for that dynamic in my friendships. 

Relationships aren't just about the two people in a couple but others impacted as a result, whether that is children or future partners or spouses. I think a level of care and respect is essential and that can only be discerned on a case by case basis. For me, nope, I will not be friends with an ex, I don't want to be single forever, which could be the case if I didn't have a firm line with this. 

Maybe you could see it as a mark of respect for my future husband. 

So if your name is Matthew, Mark, Luke or John, or something similar, or even totally different but you were once my boyfriend, then don't rush to get in contact, or in fact ever contact me again, because while I wish you well, we weren't friends in the first place, not really. Not in the way my other friends are friends.So be free, find happiness and leave me well alone!

Singleness shaming

Here are a few conversation snippets from a recent family reunion that appeared to shame instead of celebrate singleness. Hopefully you can't relate to these types moments at all because they aren't the nicest experiences. It's moments where you want the earth to swallow you whole because people really shouldn't be subjected to this kind of stuff!

Happily all of these comments were well intended and quite amusing but the undertones, even with the kindest intent, can still be a bit of a slap in the face, especially when you have done way more interesting stuff than have a few dates over the last 2-15 years, which is the length of time that I hadn't seen most of these people for.

Enjoy!

Aunty: Great to see you. Are you wearing any rings on your fingers yet these days?

Me: ummm just my belly ring.
Aunty: oh? Well, you have lost weight at least.

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Family friend: is that your son?

Me: who?
Family friend: that kid who was stood next to you.
Me: who? Where?
Family friend: he was just here a moment ago. Around your legs.
Me: what? Someone was around my legs???
Mum: (leans in and whispers) she's single, (virtually shouts) BUT SHE HAS A JOB.
Me: yes I do contribute positively into society by paying taxes even through I remain to be a childless, old spinster...

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Another family friend: is your husband here?
Me: maybe, I'm not sure yet....

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Another Aunty: have you met Mr Right yet?
Me: no.
Aunty: really? You're so beautiful.
Me: you're biased but thank you.
Aunty: what is wrong with men these days?
Me: nothing, I've just given up looking.
Aunty: that's when it will happen.
Me: no, I've really given up. I'm not interested at all.
Aunty: well its about to happen very soon then.
Me: I hope not.
Aunty: oh it definitely will be very soon, probably by tomorrow. As you know my Simon he and blah blah blah blah..... 

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Close girlfriend: Yeah we really love each other but I'm not sure about marrying him....sometimes I want to kill him.
Me: What? Really? That is not good.
Aunty: Oh no, that's totally normal. I often want to kill you uncle.
Me:What the???
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Distant relative: Congratulations
Me: Pardon?
Distant relative: On your pregnancy
Me: No! I have just eaten, its a food baby.
Distant relative: When are you due?
Me: Never, I am just fat.

Distant relative: well you are glowing.

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Family friend: what happened with Luke* you were seeing
Me: how did you know about him?
Family friend: Your mother. Are you going steady?
Me: What? No.
Family friend: Should I buy a hat for the wedding?
Me: NO! I'm not seeing him any more.
Family friend: well, I did think he sounded like a psycho...

Hopefully you won't have ever experienced anything similar to the above conversations. The silver lining amid all of these snippets is that there are many people who clearly care enough about my life to ask. Plus I won't need to have these conversations again for some time, until the next reunion!

The sad thing is by focusing conversation on what we don't have in life, there leaves little opportunity to talk about the wonderful things you do have. For me that was a wonderful new job, new house and completion of my Masters degree, all fairly significant life achievements but also overlooked due to my relationship status. That's okay though because everyone judges success by different measures and I am very happy that I don't have a son who happens to stand too close to strangers legs and that once I go to the bathroom I will no longer be (as) "pregnant" anymore! Although maybe my Aunty was right, I should start wearing more jewelry and perhaps I will buy myself a nice ring with that pay rise I just got!

*Luke was not called "Luke" he was called something else, so if you happen to be called Luke and we were lucky enough to date each other then chill, this wasn't you....

When shouldn't you date?

Often as single people we go on dates as we search for our partner. I have read that it is a numbers game. The more people you date = the greater likelihood you will have of meeting someone you connect with. This makes for hard work and a real commitment to finding someone. But are there times when you should reconsider your commitment to dating? I think that perhaps there are certain times in life that dating may not be the central priority. Happily there is a time for everything under the sun but sometimes that may not be dating....

# Moving house

As stressful as the loss of a partner is moving house. In fact moving is one of the most stressful situations a person can experience in life. Dating while in a high stress situation will not help your stress or your poor date.

# Super busy at work 

Dating is hard work and if you don't have the time to commit because of work commitments then you need to be clear about your priorities and intentions. Work is important but so is keeping your commitments. If your energy levels are too low to catch dinner after work as you promised hen perhaps it's time to reassess things.

# Travelling

Travelling and dating are like arch enemies. They are like Angelina and Jennifer. There is no way in hell anything good will come from it. If you are traveling then travel but starting a new relationship at the same time will have extra complexities because you cannot spend as much time together as you need to grown your relationship. Perhaps it could work be okay if the travel was short lived but going away for an extended period of time will make dating someone back home tough.

# Interviewing for a new job

Changing jobs is a bit like moving house, really unsettling and very stressful. Plus interviewing is hard work and exhausting. It's not the ideal time to also be dating, especially if you struggle to deal with rejection because not getting a job and not getting a date could be too much bad news in one go. Maybe wait until you have your fabulous new job and then you will be in a much more settled place to move forwards in other areas of your life too.

# When your'e grieving

Grief is truly awful but know that with time it does fade. Of course the memories never leave you but working through grief is tough. It comes and goes in waves that hit you like nothing else, especially when you're not expecting it and you don't really want to burst into tears on a date because something triggered you off. Dealing with loss is so hard and it can totally consume your thoughts. This is a time to be kind to yourself, surround yourself with loved ones and friends and ride the waves that come at you, one day at a time.

#When you're sick 

Nothing is good when you are sick. Health is so essential that as soon as it's not there every area of life is negatively impacted. If you become unwell and there is a charming  stranger on the horizon, tell them you can't meet for a few weeks (or however long you need to recover), if they are worth your time, they will stick around, if not then at least you didn't get too far down the line. Without good health it is hard to bring anything g healthy into a new relationship and that isn't fair on you or on your date, especially if you are contagious!

When life is unstable it can make bringing someone else into it really tricky, not impossible but tricky. Life can be complex and so you could ask whether there is ever a good time to date? Only you can truly know but perhaps be aware of the above scenarios so that you don't take on too much.

Personally, I would never, ever (again!)  date especially when one or more of the above are in your life, such as you are moving house and you're sick. Or you are travelling and super busy, or the worst possible scenario all of the above are present in you life!

It may be tempting to have a mate along side you during stressful times but actually it can be detrimental to your future relationship, especially when it is such early days. You need to be able to give the baby seedling of your relationship all the attention and nurture it requires,  and more importantly,  deserves . With distractions like the above situations it can become impossible to do that and so there will be casualties. Imagine, you could find yourself heartbroken as well as dealing with whatever other situation you are also facing and with so much else happening in life is something you could almost certainly could do without.

Second date - double take

I had met Daniel* at a group dinner with mutual friends. We had happened to sit next to each other and throughout the course of the evening chatted away happily. He seemed nice, clean shaven, smartly dressed in a nice shirt and smart jeans....the kind of guy my mother would be delighted for me to spend time with. It was a fun evening so at the end of the night when he asked for my number I was happy to give it to him, he seemed okay. 

Daniel and I agreed to meet up in a few weeks time. As the evening arrived for our date I had bit of a foggy memory about his exact appearance. Yes, I admit it, I had entirely forgotten what he looked like. I reassured myself that it was a minor factor that didn't matter because dating isn't really about looks and a few weeks is quite a long time, especially when recalling facial features is concerned.

As I was waiting at our agreed meeting spot looking at each passerby hopefully wondering, "is that him?", I suddenly felt a dark shadow come over me and it made me instinctively grip my handbag tighter. I tried to shrug it off as pre-date nerves. 

It lingered more and I had to investigate! I quickly turned around on my heel almost bumping into to what I was sure was some kind of attacker. To my absolute horror I almost bumped into a really tall guy, wearing a floor length, black, leather trench coat - that was skimming the floor, and he had full facial hair, aside from a naked chin! (On a side note: Why would you just shave your chin and forget the rest of your face?!...that's like shaving half your arm pit!)

I was incredibly intimidated, no, I was actually scared. 

I was ready to hand over my handbag and reel off my PIN. Then he looked at me and said, "Hi Jo!" How did he know my name?! As I looked more closely at this intimidating stranger, it appeared to me that he wasn't a stranger at all. It was Daniel.

DANIEL!

This oddly dressed stranger was my date. I don't know if I did a 
double or triple take! He was unrecognizable. It felt like I had never laid eyes on him before, let alone had dinner with him a few weeks back. I was instantly on edge. 

I tried hard to look past this new look yet I found it very disturbing. Without exaggeration, Daniel looked like he was  a cross between someone from the Matrix movie and someone in the Village People! In my shock, I accidentally told him so as I declared, "Daniel? You look like you are in the village people?" he looked at me happily and said, "yes, it is great isn't it?!" Thankfully he wasn't insulted by my shocked outburst. 

The difference in Daniel had seriously freaked me out. It was like I was meeting him for the first time and there I was wondering about what happened to the guy I met at dinner a few weeks ago. I guess this was a new side to him that I was discovering! 

It wasn't really so much about what he was wearing or actually how he looked but that he was so unrecognizable from when we first met. It would have been less of a contrast if I had turned up dressed as a nun. What was going on? Can the real Daniel please stand up?!  Surely, my terrible memory isn't THAT bad. Is it?!

Before me was a whole new contrast to the version of  Daniel that  I had previously met and this made me feel nervous and distrusting. I was still half waiting for him to steal my handbag. What else was going to come out of the wood work?!

Dinner was awful because I was so on edge and far too nervous to properly get to know Daniel. I was expecting him to break out into singing YMCA  or maybe zap me into a parallel universe. 

Perhaps this was a bit unfair on Daniel, who can obviously wear whatever he likes yet it is also quite bizarre to present yourself so differently. As soon as I went blonde I updated my online dating pictures,  because before you get to know someone, looks do play an important role in dating, especially if you are trying to recognise them on a busy Friday evening! 

* name changed so that you can't identify him, not that he needed a disguise.

PULLING THE PLUG - knowing when your relationship is over

What childhood stories fail to inform us about Prince Charming is that the bugger doesn't actually exist! I grew up looking for this dude, who of course was never there! If I ever meet my non-Prince Charming and end up having a daughter I will be sure that she knows very early on that she should not be looking for a Prince Charming....likewise a son, should not be looking for a Cindarella. 

Once upon a time I dated a wonderful guy who was everything I was looking for. He was very close indeed to being Prince Charming. Or so I hoped.... yet the Cindarella's and Prince Charming's of this world are simply not in this world, which is why we like them and their perfection. 

My Prince Charming I were very happy to overlook most of our imperfections because those flaws, while annoying, are what make us human. Of course, it is always good to work on ourselves individually as well together in a relationship but some things are simply deal breakers. 

The full story is longer than Rapunzel's hair but in short we got on well, had all the right stuff in common (mostly), deeply trusted each other and valued each other, for many years. What could go wrong?....Perhaps we were living in fantasy land? We were happy and surely that is what counts? Or perhaps we should have worked harder to build a stronger foundation together to ensure our relationship forwards into the future, especially our modes of  communication. Yep. 

Having this reaslisation has been nothing short of heartbreaking because amid all things, he was charming. So all was not well in our little magical world of apparent happiness. Okay sometimes it was terrible. So terrible it ultimately became fatal but that's the risk of dating. 

Communication was so disjointed between us that sometimes my Charming darling would say things like, "I know you are upset but you shouldnt be because I haven't done anything wrong." Perhaps he hadn't done anything but the very fact that I wanted to chat shouldn't have been overlooked. Surely at times like this communication is more essential than ever?  Instead I was seen as a dripping tap that I should simply turn off because it shouldnt be on. Feelings arent like that. 

Prince Charming couldn't get off his white horse to meet me where I was and his white horse was too big for me to climb and so we were stuck. Over time things were not improving but getting worse and I was increasingly being dismissed to the extent that I didn't even want to see him as a result. You always know it isn't a good thing when you don't want to see the guy you are meant to be seeing!

Of course this wasn't the only issue we were facing, and I was far from blameless and regretfully we caused each other great pain. Indeed, there were a number of other complexities we were unable to work through in our two years together yet our differing modes of communication, including my diabolical grasp of his native language and subsequent inability to assimilate within his culture, made bringing our lives together impossible. We came to the distressing conclusion that we could not go on and we had to make our own separate ways into the sunset, hopefully happily ever after.