This could be my shortest ever blog post because from where I sit the answer to the question of whether you can be friends with your ex is very simple.
No.
Ex's are ex's not friends. They come into your life and then they go. I can see that there could be the desire to keep them in your life, you liked them, maybe even loved them....perhaps the romance faded over time or you were simply left with a friendship and not an empty shell of what was once a romantic connection, so possibly a friendship would work out but why have the added baggage of a failed romance as part of that friendship?
If there are children involved I can certainly appreciate that the situation is different and that there are very real responsibilities that need to be the focus of the relationship. Even so, that does not necessarily mean it is a friendship. Or perhaps if your ex was a friend before you got together, then perhaps the situation would be a bit different. However, if they have only ever had a romantic connection in your life, then the transition to friendship is new and I would argue much more complicated. It is not impossible to be friends with your ex, many people admirably are, but why would you want that? There are other ways to get more friends than transition ex's into the friend-zone.
How can you move on in life if you are still hanging out with your ex? What message does that say to new relationship prospects? I know I wouldn't be a fan of dating someone who still was friends with his ex. No thanks buddy.
Perhaps the question is SHOULD you be friends with your ex?
What are the implications on your life and the lives of others if you do move forwards with a friendship? An ex is the result of a broken relationship. I feel it is best to take the brokenness and move on, find healing and to do that independently - you have broken up with them after-all.
Maybe, at the most, after a few eons, or another ice age, then there could be space for a glimmer of a friendship but from where I am sat that would be little more than a quick "hello how are you?" as I am walking by getting on with my own business.
I'm looking for my best friend and having an ex in your life is likely to put him off, so I need to sacrifice what is already in the past in order to find him. Equally I want my ex's to have the same freedom to do exactly the same. Naturally, I wish them well, care for them and their family and friends as well, but there is a separation that is required in order to move on in life, that is why you split up - to not be together! Yes a friendship is very different but the dynamic is never the same after you have been so close to someone. An ex brings a different dynamic to a relationship than any other type of friendship and I am not looking for that dynamic in my friendships.
Relationships aren't just about the two people in a couple but others impacted as a result, whether that is children or future partners or spouses. I think a level of care and respect is essential and that can only be discerned on a case by case basis. For me, nope, I will not be friends with an ex, I don't want to be single forever, which could be the case if I didn't have a firm line with this.
Maybe you could see it as a mark of respect for my future husband.
So if your name is Matthew, Mark, Luke or John, or something similar, or even totally different but you were once my boyfriend, then don't rush to get in contact, or in fact ever contact me again, because while I wish you well, we weren't friends in the first place, not really. Not in the way my other friends are friends.So be free, find happiness and leave me well alone!
No comments:
Post a Comment