Should I Tinder?

Tinder. It is probably one of the most debated spaces for meeting new people. I know of many happy couples who met on Tinder yet the reputation of short term flings had always prevented me from signing up... 

In many ways I like the ease of simply swiping a finger left or right to communicate whether I was interested in them or not and all based on a photograph - that is probably not that recent. I had found online dating, with detailed profiles and lots of information including photographs, difficult enough so why would my date be any more compatible based on less information? After so many bad experiences online, should I go in for more? And on the arguably most renowned dating App with connotations of short lived hook ups. It sounded like everything I WASN'T looking for...

Should I Tinder? This has been a real dilemma in my mind for some time. Like all things there are pros and cons. Pros I may meet someone that I finally connect with and I can quickly scroll through reams of profiles using only one digit! Bonus. It is very efficient in some ways. But the cons? Finding someone compatible is tricky and knowing their intentions can be difficult to discern - true of any dating scenario so it isn't really valid when considering Tinder. Yet with trying anything new, you don't know how it will go, until you actually give it a go! Ultimately I decided that I would jump on board and try out Tinder. You just never know how things may work out or who you may connect with...

So, did I actually join Tinder?

Well after spending so much time with all my detailed analysis, discussions with friends and deep soul searching I actually didn't join Tinder, or any other dating community for that matter. I was about to, and had every intention of boldly going where I had not been before. Plus I had visited many other online platforms to meet someone and so why not give it a shot. But I didn't join up. Not because of  anything specific to do with Tinder but on the contrary it was actually because during the time I took to consider finally joining up I actually met someone through my every day life! He suddenly popped up, as if from no where and we connected with really well! Happily, I haven't been able to swipe past this one!

The safety net of singleness

I often speak to many single people and I have increasingly come across people who actually relish their singleness and have no desire to couple up. This got me thinking about the attractiveness of being single as a way of life and actively choosing the single life and not pursuing dating, partnering-up, marriage or whatever else. Indeed, the simplicity and peace of being single is actually, for some, more alluring in many ways. 

I recall once meeting a lovely guy who was great, possibly encompassing all that I had been looking for! (Yes, I am shocked as well.) Then it dawned on me, if I was also everything he was looking for, and everything else went well between us, then I may never date again! No more crazy dating stories, no more exciting moments waiting for my blind date to arrive ....wondering if every guy who walked past was the one that I was meeting! The anticipation and expectation of the hope of meeting new people would be gone! In only a few months I could be in the world of the predictable and mundane. At that time I couldn't give up my singleness...

Clearly being single can be great! It can be fun and exciting. You don't have to discuss everything with someone else, you can be much more efficient and get on with whatever is at hand. Having the much coveted alone time and solitude, to sort out your thoughts, is often easier to achieve when you are single. So should singleness be desired? I guess it is by some people....

Given that we are such social creatures, is this practical? Could long term singleness actually be closing yourself off to treasures that life may have for us? Of course other social networks can bring connection, meaning and community but is that enough? And even so, in actively choosing a single life, does that mean you miss out on other joy's that a relationship can bring?

I do wonder if remaining single can be a form a self protection for some people who create a safety net to protect themselves from the potential hurt and pain by letting someone they love and care about them into their lives. 

Singleness can be like an anesthetic that stops you from being vulnerable to potential relationship pain......but also the pleasure, fulfillment and joy of a relationship.

There is nothing wrong with actively choosing a single life unless it is from a place of fear. My question, is whether the safety-net of remaining single is worth while? After all, remaining single may give protection from heart-break and pain but this is at the sacrifice of love, fulfillment and joy. That is a question for every person choosing to be single should consider....

Choosing singleness for the right reasons is fine, in fact, even in the Bible it is clear that some people are called to live single. So if you find yourself choosing to be single perhaps it is helpful to know within yourself why you have made that decision - which is a great place to confidently move forwards in life from.

The biggest deal breakers

Far too often single people are asked "what are you looking for in a relationship?" and I think this is fairly impossible to answer, especially truthfully, when in reality there are many things that most single people are looking for in a partner but barely realise it until they actually meet them and often then realise that they were everything they were looking for but equally so different from what they expected.

Instead of looking for what you want in a relationship, which is probably the impossible, and doesn't exist on this side of the silver screen, maybe it is actually about the deal breakers, that you absolutely cannot tolerate in a relationship?

Recently I was speaking at a conference and  I asked the women in attendance what their biggest deal breakers were and there were four common themes.

1. Being controlling

Having freedom to continue to pursue the interests and friendships that are important to you should also be important to your partner (and vice versa of course). Limiting your freedom is limiting your life and not allowing you to live to your full potential. Not allowing this through whatever means is not an attractive trait at all. Control is sometimes asserted when there is a lack of trust in a relationship. If there is no trust, then surely there is no relationship, so then what is the point?

2. Lack of purpose in life

It was unanimous that having a clear sense of purpose and direction in life is not only attractive but HOT! Yes. Having no direction, drive or passion in life is seen as unattractive and so a deal breaker. The bottom line is, find what you love and do it. 

3. Misalignment of values

If you aren't on the same page with what your core values then it won't work out in the long run. Misalignment of values means there are different perspectives when handling tricky situations and if if you aren't united in how you move forwards then quite simply, how will you move forwards? My guess is, you wont and this is why it is a key deal breaker. It is good to know this from the outset. You may think they will change, they may think that about you and before you know it is a big old mess. 

4. Family member

This was a surprising one for me. For many women at the conference it was a very real possibility that they were encouraged to marry within their family. So it was a deal breaker if someone was a relative, even if it was against the wishes of their family. 

So there you have it, the four most significant deal breakers for women. You're welcome - you can thank me later!
J

Do opposites attract?....and can it last?

Often when we are looking to meet that special someone there can be a tendency to look for the things that we have in common - we are looking for someone who is like us, or at least similar to us in many ways. Yet the more I think about it the more I realize I definitely don't want to date someone like me at all. I need someone good at things that I am terrible at... like reverse parking and map reading. Someone too similar to me would be an absolute nightmare! 

People often say that opposites attract and I have never been too sold on that idea because I think there need to be a number of areas where you both align for a healthy relationship. Then I met Dave*....

Dave was simply a great guy, really lovely, very friendly and with a kind heart towards people. Mutual friends introduced us and he helped me out with a few things and as I got to know him I increasingly liked him. 

Dave has a great love for three things that are very important in his life. Interestingly these are the same three things that I have a particular distaste for.....okay, let's be honest, I hate them. 

In no particular order Dave loves- motorbikes, dogs and cricket. Each one of these I politely describe as "not for me". 

Motorbikes, no. Dogs, no. Cricket, NO!

I am sorry if you are a fan of any of these but motorbikes and dogs scare me and cricket, well, like I said, "NO!" Seriously though, I might add that poor Dave equally cares just as much about my passion for shoes, make up and vegetarianism! Can you think of a worse match? Well...

Amid Dave's poor taste in his lifelong passions, we got on well, really well. We both like to laugh and have a (mostly) similar sense of humour and our core values are very much aligned. 

Best of all it turns out that Dave is actually very gifted in a number of areas that I am entirely clueless about, things like building flat pack furniture and how to cut up a watermelon, both essential life skills. Even better Dave has the wonderful patience to try and explain this stuff to me, even though my brain is so full of butterflies and glitter that I can't quite comprehend what he is telling me. 

Dave helps me with the stuff I am hopeless at.....like directions! He has stopped using words like "north" and "east" to describe where places are and instead uses terms that will make sense to me like "in front of the boat" and "next to the big tree with all the screaming birds in it". While I doubt Dave will ever fully be able to teach me how to read a map, he has displayed a caring heart and concern that I need to know what to do when I get lost - lucky I have his phone number! So Dave has many attractive qualities that I admire very much, and value them greatly, probably even more because I simply don't possess them myself!

Dave is very much my opposite - of course he loves pineapple on pizza. Gross. I had a brief moment of joy when he asked me "do you like capers?" I decided he must be a fan because only people who like capers ask other people if they like capers! In my excitement of finally having something in common I happily yelled "YES!" only for him to inform me that he hates them! Naturally he would hate them! 

We are opposites. 

Every relationship will have its challenges and there are some differences that can be so significant that they become deal breakers and barriers that will prevent you from working things out. I think compromising on core values is in this category because if your values don't align with each other then there will be conflict later on in the relationship as you will be addressing things from different perspectives. Compromising your core values, is compromising who you are and your identity, which can be very destructive. 

Motorbikes, dogs and cricket will never be passions of mine (sorry Dave!), as I am certain that shoes, make-up and vegetarianism will never do much for Dave. I don't want to change the guy, he has many great qualities so perhaps it is how we spend our time together, with compromise, because there are other things can we can enjoy together, like eating out! This is great news because Dave can rest assured I won't eat his pineapple and I know with all certainty that he wont eat my capers and that consensus in a relationship is surely a good start!

* Name changed to Dave because everyone knows a good guy called "Dave".... 

Living the dream.....?

There is something highly attractive about a man who knows what he wants from life and going after exactly that. I know this can be tough and finding your way can be hard but stepping out and finding your life's purpose by trying different things is also a great way to keep progressing and moving forwards. Being passive and waiting for the writing to appear on the wall is probably not the type of divine intervention that will shed light on what to do with the time and skills that you have been blessed with.

When I met Billy* we got on okay and had a great conversation and I was feeling hopeful. We met at TGI Fridays and had dinner, of course it was a Friday night, and overall the night was going really well. We got on nicely, had a few things in common and discussed our travel plans. 

Billy shared with me his life long dream. It felt like a very intimate moment as Billy started pouring out his heart, explaining to me his love of country music, although he persists in a job he isn't passionate about. Billy, it seems, was actually a talented musician and had been paid to sing for a number of famous artists, so famous I can't actually recall any of their names, but if I could, be assured, you would be very impressed.

VERY IMPRESSED.

Billy's dream was to follow his love of country music to its origins in Nashville Tennessee. Sounds fair to me.

I asked him when he was going to make this epic and life changing trip and he looked at me blankly. I repeated my question. Billy replied, "I can't go." What?! 

My mind began to wonder about all of the reasons why this could be.... perhaps he needed a passport, or had a sick family member he needed to attend to (how kind he must be) or no, perhaps he was actually wanted by the authorities for doing something terrible, or maybe he had an incurable fear of flying or something else.... I had to get to the bottom of this and asked him, "why?" and his response shocked me. 

"It is too expensive."

Travel is always expensive, in both money and time. I was not shocked that the cost would be a barrier to Billy fulfilling his dream but I was shocked that he felt the expense would prevent his dream from ever being a reality. Surely that is the biggest cost in life, not living your dreams?! Indeed, Billy had not put in place any goals or plans to make his dream a reality.

Billy was a dreamer, not a doer.

Keep in mind I am not only a fairly practical woman (unless DIY or other home renovations are involved) and on top of that I am also an immigrant to Australia, when I followed my dream to move here, so I was entirely bemused that Billy would let cost be such a barrier to him. My concern for Billy was not from a place of judgement but of personal experience. I once heard a wonderful quote that travel is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer. That is richer in life experiences and all that stuff. I agree. I felt heart ache that poor Billy felt he could never even consider achieving his dream.

I took out my mobile phone (usually a banned item from the dinner table) and searched for flights from Sydney to Nashville the leaving the next day. I asked Billy how much he anticipated the cost to be. It turned out the actual cost of the tickets for his dream trip were only one third of what he had expected. When I informed Billy of this fact he was shocked. He couldn't believe it. Then I realized Billy hadn't even researched his 'dream' trip. He hadn't come close to taking any steps at all to make his dream a reality.

NOTHING.

We are all on different journeys and this is not to judge Billy or other people in similar situations. However, I strongly believe in taking up every opportunity that life gives us because making the most of life is so important.

I had to restrain myself from marching Billy to the airport and loading him on to a plane to Nashville that evening - just to make sure he got there. Instead as the evening came to a close I cheekily told him, "It was a nice evening getting to know you. It would be great for you to call me to meet up again - when you have got back from Nashville because I want to hear all about it." Interestingly, Billy hasn't called me since and I just hope he is still in Nashville having such a blast that he has forgotten all about me.

*name changed to Billy sounds like the name of a famous country music singer, don't you think?!

The Lucky Escape...

Sometimes when a relationship doesn't work out it isn't sad at all but in fact a relief that it is over. 

The end of something bad, can actually be really good! 

If a relationship isn't working out then it can be best for both parties to move on sooner rather than later. Hindsight is great for discerning a lucky relationship escape, especially if you see how the course of their life goes and perhaps experience relief that you are no part of it! 

I can wholeheartedly say that I have had many lucky escapes. In fact, most, if not all, of my failed relationships are lucky escapes! There have been a couple of guys I have dated over the years, who seemed okay at the time, but now looking back, I thank God that those relationships were never more than a short term thing!

I thank God for my lucky escapes.

As time goes on and your respective lives take their course, things can become even more clear just how unsuitable you were for each other, which may not have been as obvious while you were dating.Getting to know someone is part of the course and discerning whether you are compatible and if you're not provides your cue to move on.

Granted, it can take a while to get to know someone well and early on in a relationship there can be a focus on chemistry or the physical attraction that you have towards each other, of course this generally dissolves with time, leaving a questionable basis for a solid relationship. 

Staying in a relationship for too long is harmful for both parties. I think the key to a lucky escape is knowing when to move on and acting on it, after all if you know it isn't right then it doesn't serve either of you to draw out breaking up when it is inevitable. 

Unhealthy relationships should be addressed, to protect yourself and the other person. The alternative is to stay and try and make something work that won't. Why put a square peg in a round hole? 

While I have had a couple of lucky escapes over the years, I also think that for each of the guys in question who it didn't work out with were also lucky escapees! I am sure they would agree with the wisdom of hindsight! Indeed, my lucky escapes have been lucky for both parties because either we really weren't matched well or there was some other issue that would eventually lead to relationship doom.

So lucky escapes go both ways!

I have had a couple of ex-boyfriends move on and now be happily married, and I genuinely couldn't be more delighted for them. At the same time, I am also delighted for myself being no part of something that wasn't going to work out so beautifully! Seeing how their lives have developed has only reinforced to me that things do work out in the end, but perhaps not in a way you expect at a certain moment in time. 

So is it really a lucky escape or simply relationships that were never going to work out well?!... Either way I am grateful for the outcome, which is always a good reminder whenever a door closes!

Can Ex's be friends?

This could be my shortest ever blog post because from where I sit the answer to the question of whether you can be friends with your ex is very simple. 

No.

Ex's are ex's not friends. They come into your life and then they go. I can see that there could be the desire to keep them in your life, you liked them, maybe even loved them....perhaps the romance faded over time or you were simply left with a friendship and not an empty shell of what was once a romantic connection, so possibly a friendship would work out but why have the added baggage of a failed romance as part of that friendship? 

If  there are children involved I can certainly appreciate that the situation is different and that there are very real responsibilities that need to be the focus of the relationship. Even so, that does not necessarily mean it is a friendship. Or perhaps if your ex was a friend before you got together, then perhaps the situation would be a bit different. However, if they have only ever had a romantic connection in your life, then the transition to friendship is new and I would argue much more complicated. It is not impossible to be friends with your ex, many people admirably are, but why would you want that? There are other ways to get more friends than transition ex's into the friend-zone. 

How can you move on in life if you are still hanging out with your ex? What message does that say to new relationship prospects? I know I wouldn't be a fan of dating someone who still was friends with his ex. No thanks buddy. 

Perhaps the question is SHOULD you be friends with your ex? 

What are the implications on your life and the lives of others if you do move forwards with a friendship? An ex is the result of a broken relationship. I feel it is best to take the brokenness and move on, find healing and to do that independently - you have broken up with them after-all. 

Maybe, at the most, after a few eons, or another ice age, then there could be space for a glimmer of a friendship but from where I am sat that would be little more than a quick "hello how are you?" as I am walking by getting on with my own business. 

I'm looking for my best friend and having an ex in your life is likely to put him off, so I need to sacrifice what is already in the past in order to find him. Equally I want my ex's to have the same freedom to do exactly the same. Naturally, I wish them well, care for them and their family and friends as well, but there is a separation that is required in order to move on in life, that is why you split up - to not be together! Yes a friendship is very different but the dynamic is never the same after you have been so close to someone. An ex brings a different dynamic to a relationship than any other type of friendship and I am not looking for that dynamic in my friendships. 

Relationships aren't just about the two people in a couple but others impacted as a result, whether that is children or future partners or spouses. I think a level of care and respect is essential and that can only be discerned on a case by case basis. For me, nope, I will not be friends with an ex, I don't want to be single forever, which could be the case if I didn't have a firm line with this. 

Maybe you could see it as a mark of respect for my future husband. 

So if your name is Matthew, Mark, Luke or John, or something similar, or even totally different but you were once my boyfriend, then don't rush to get in contact, or in fact ever contact me again, because while I wish you well, we weren't friends in the first place, not really. Not in the way my other friends are friends.So be free, find happiness and leave me well alone!