The biggest deal breakers

Far too often single people are asked "what are you looking for in a relationship?" and I think this is fairly impossible to answer, especially truthfully, when in reality there are many things that most single people are looking for in a partner but barely realise it until they actually meet them and often then realise that they were everything they were looking for but equally so different from what they expected.

Instead of looking for what you want in a relationship, which is probably the impossible, and doesn't exist on this side of the silver screen, maybe it is actually about the deal breakers, that you absolutely cannot tolerate in a relationship?

Recently I was speaking at a conference and  I asked the women in attendance what their biggest deal breakers were and there were four common themes.

1. Being controlling

Having freedom to continue to pursue the interests and friendships that are important to you should also be important to your partner (and vice versa of course). Limiting your freedom is limiting your life and not allowing you to live to your full potential. Not allowing this through whatever means is not an attractive trait at all. Control is sometimes asserted when there is a lack of trust in a relationship. If there is no trust, then surely there is no relationship, so then what is the point?

2. Lack of purpose in life

It was unanimous that having a clear sense of purpose and direction in life is not only attractive but HOT! Yes. Having no direction, drive or passion in life is seen as unattractive and so a deal breaker. The bottom line is, find what you love and do it. 

3. Misalignment of values

If you aren't on the same page with what your core values then it won't work out in the long run. Misalignment of values means there are different perspectives when handling tricky situations and if if you aren't united in how you move forwards then quite simply, how will you move forwards? My guess is, you wont and this is why it is a key deal breaker. It is good to know this from the outset. You may think they will change, they may think that about you and before you know it is a big old mess. 

4. Family member

This was a surprising one for me. For many women at the conference it was a very real possibility that they were encouraged to marry within their family. So it was a deal breaker if someone was a relative, even if it was against the wishes of their family. 

So there you have it, the four most significant deal breakers for women. You're welcome - you can thank me later!
J

Do opposites attract?....and can it last?

Often when we are looking to meet that special someone there can be a tendency to look for the things that we have in common - we are looking for someone who is like us, or at least similar to us in many ways. Yet the more I think about it the more I realize I definitely don't want to date someone like me at all. I need someone good at things that I am terrible at... like reverse parking and map reading. Someone too similar to me would be an absolute nightmare! 

People often say that opposites attract and I have never been too sold on that idea because I think there need to be a number of areas where you both align for a healthy relationship. Then I met Dave*....

Dave was simply a great guy, really lovely, very friendly and with a kind heart towards people. Mutual friends introduced us and he helped me out with a few things and as I got to know him I increasingly liked him. 

Dave has a great love for three things that are very important in his life. Interestingly these are the same three things that I have a particular distaste for.....okay, let's be honest, I hate them. 

In no particular order Dave loves- motorbikes, dogs and cricket. Each one of these I politely describe as "not for me". 

Motorbikes, no. Dogs, no. Cricket, NO!

I am sorry if you are a fan of any of these but motorbikes and dogs scare me and cricket, well, like I said, "NO!" Seriously though, I might add that poor Dave equally cares just as much about my passion for shoes, make up and vegetarianism! Can you think of a worse match? Well...

Amid Dave's poor taste in his lifelong passions, we got on well, really well. We both like to laugh and have a (mostly) similar sense of humour and our core values are very much aligned. 

Best of all it turns out that Dave is actually very gifted in a number of areas that I am entirely clueless about, things like building flat pack furniture and how to cut up a watermelon, both essential life skills. Even better Dave has the wonderful patience to try and explain this stuff to me, even though my brain is so full of butterflies and glitter that I can't quite comprehend what he is telling me. 

Dave helps me with the stuff I am hopeless at.....like directions! He has stopped using words like "north" and "east" to describe where places are and instead uses terms that will make sense to me like "in front of the boat" and "next to the big tree with all the screaming birds in it". While I doubt Dave will ever fully be able to teach me how to read a map, he has displayed a caring heart and concern that I need to know what to do when I get lost - lucky I have his phone number! So Dave has many attractive qualities that I admire very much, and value them greatly, probably even more because I simply don't possess them myself!

Dave is very much my opposite - of course he loves pineapple on pizza. Gross. I had a brief moment of joy when he asked me "do you like capers?" I decided he must be a fan because only people who like capers ask other people if they like capers! In my excitement of finally having something in common I happily yelled "YES!" only for him to inform me that he hates them! Naturally he would hate them! 

We are opposites. 

Every relationship will have its challenges and there are some differences that can be so significant that they become deal breakers and barriers that will prevent you from working things out. I think compromising on core values is in this category because if your values don't align with each other then there will be conflict later on in the relationship as you will be addressing things from different perspectives. Compromising your core values, is compromising who you are and your identity, which can be very destructive. 

Motorbikes, dogs and cricket will never be passions of mine (sorry Dave!), as I am certain that shoes, make-up and vegetarianism will never do much for Dave. I don't want to change the guy, he has many great qualities so perhaps it is how we spend our time together, with compromise, because there are other things can we can enjoy together, like eating out! This is great news because Dave can rest assured I won't eat his pineapple and I know with all certainty that he wont eat my capers and that consensus in a relationship is surely a good start!

* Name changed to Dave because everyone knows a good guy called "Dave".... 

Living the dream.....?

There is something highly attractive about a man who knows what he wants from life and going after exactly that. I know this can be tough and finding your way can be hard but stepping out and finding your life's purpose by trying different things is also a great way to keep progressing and moving forwards. Being passive and waiting for the writing to appear on the wall is probably not the type of divine intervention that will shed light on what to do with the time and skills that you have been blessed with.

When I met Billy* we got on okay and had a great conversation and I was feeling hopeful. We met at TGI Fridays and had dinner, of course it was a Friday night, and overall the night was going really well. We got on nicely, had a few things in common and discussed our travel plans. 

Billy shared with me his life long dream. It felt like a very intimate moment as Billy started pouring out his heart, explaining to me his love of country music, although he persists in a job he isn't passionate about. Billy, it seems, was actually a talented musician and had been paid to sing for a number of famous artists, so famous I can't actually recall any of their names, but if I could, be assured, you would be very impressed.

VERY IMPRESSED.

Billy's dream was to follow his love of country music to its origins in Nashville Tennessee. Sounds fair to me.

I asked him when he was going to make this epic and life changing trip and he looked at me blankly. I repeated my question. Billy replied, "I can't go." What?! 

My mind began to wonder about all of the reasons why this could be.... perhaps he needed a passport, or had a sick family member he needed to attend to (how kind he must be) or no, perhaps he was actually wanted by the authorities for doing something terrible, or maybe he had an incurable fear of flying or something else.... I had to get to the bottom of this and asked him, "why?" and his response shocked me. 

"It is too expensive."

Travel is always expensive, in both money and time. I was not shocked that the cost would be a barrier to Billy fulfilling his dream but I was shocked that he felt the expense would prevent his dream from ever being a reality. Surely that is the biggest cost in life, not living your dreams?! Indeed, Billy had not put in place any goals or plans to make his dream a reality.

Billy was a dreamer, not a doer.

Keep in mind I am not only a fairly practical woman (unless DIY or other home renovations are involved) and on top of that I am also an immigrant to Australia, when I followed my dream to move here, so I was entirely bemused that Billy would let cost be such a barrier to him. My concern for Billy was not from a place of judgement but of personal experience. I once heard a wonderful quote that travel is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer. That is richer in life experiences and all that stuff. I agree. I felt heart ache that poor Billy felt he could never even consider achieving his dream.

I took out my mobile phone (usually a banned item from the dinner table) and searched for flights from Sydney to Nashville the leaving the next day. I asked Billy how much he anticipated the cost to be. It turned out the actual cost of the tickets for his dream trip were only one third of what he had expected. When I informed Billy of this fact he was shocked. He couldn't believe it. Then I realized Billy hadn't even researched his 'dream' trip. He hadn't come close to taking any steps at all to make his dream a reality.

NOTHING.

We are all on different journeys and this is not to judge Billy or other people in similar situations. However, I strongly believe in taking up every opportunity that life gives us because making the most of life is so important.

I had to restrain myself from marching Billy to the airport and loading him on to a plane to Nashville that evening - just to make sure he got there. Instead as the evening came to a close I cheekily told him, "It was a nice evening getting to know you. It would be great for you to call me to meet up again - when you have got back from Nashville because I want to hear all about it." Interestingly, Billy hasn't called me since and I just hope he is still in Nashville having such a blast that he has forgotten all about me.

*name changed to Billy sounds like the name of a famous country music singer, don't you think?!

The Lucky Escape...

Sometimes when a relationship doesn't work out it isn't sad at all but in fact a relief that it is over. 

The end of something bad, can actually be really good! 

If a relationship isn't working out then it can be best for both parties to move on sooner rather than later. Hindsight is great for discerning a lucky relationship escape, especially if you see how the course of their life goes and perhaps experience relief that you are no part of it! 

I can wholeheartedly say that I have had many lucky escapes. In fact, most, if not all, of my failed relationships are lucky escapes! There have been a couple of guys I have dated over the years, who seemed okay at the time, but now looking back, I thank God that those relationships were never more than a short term thing!

I thank God for my lucky escapes.

As time goes on and your respective lives take their course, things can become even more clear just how unsuitable you were for each other, which may not have been as obvious while you were dating.Getting to know someone is part of the course and discerning whether you are compatible and if you're not provides your cue to move on.

Granted, it can take a while to get to know someone well and early on in a relationship there can be a focus on chemistry or the physical attraction that you have towards each other, of course this generally dissolves with time, leaving a questionable basis for a solid relationship. 

Staying in a relationship for too long is harmful for both parties. I think the key to a lucky escape is knowing when to move on and acting on it, after all if you know it isn't right then it doesn't serve either of you to draw out breaking up when it is inevitable. 

Unhealthy relationships should be addressed, to protect yourself and the other person. The alternative is to stay and try and make something work that won't. Why put a square peg in a round hole? 

While I have had a couple of lucky escapes over the years, I also think that for each of the guys in question who it didn't work out with were also lucky escapees! I am sure they would agree with the wisdom of hindsight! Indeed, my lucky escapes have been lucky for both parties because either we really weren't matched well or there was some other issue that would eventually lead to relationship doom.

So lucky escapes go both ways!

I have had a couple of ex-boyfriends move on and now be happily married, and I genuinely couldn't be more delighted for them. At the same time, I am also delighted for myself being no part of something that wasn't going to work out so beautifully! Seeing how their lives have developed has only reinforced to me that things do work out in the end, but perhaps not in a way you expect at a certain moment in time. 

So is it really a lucky escape or simply relationships that were never going to work out well?!... Either way I am grateful for the outcome, which is always a good reminder whenever a door closes!

Can Ex's be friends?

This could be my shortest ever blog post because from where I sit the answer to the question of whether you can be friends with your ex is very simple. 

No.

Ex's are ex's not friends. They come into your life and then they go. I can see that there could be the desire to keep them in your life, you liked them, maybe even loved them....perhaps the romance faded over time or you were simply left with a friendship and not an empty shell of what was once a romantic connection, so possibly a friendship would work out but why have the added baggage of a failed romance as part of that friendship? 

If  there are children involved I can certainly appreciate that the situation is different and that there are very real responsibilities that need to be the focus of the relationship. Even so, that does not necessarily mean it is a friendship. Or perhaps if your ex was a friend before you got together, then perhaps the situation would be a bit different. However, if they have only ever had a romantic connection in your life, then the transition to friendship is new and I would argue much more complicated. It is not impossible to be friends with your ex, many people admirably are, but why would you want that? There are other ways to get more friends than transition ex's into the friend-zone. 

How can you move on in life if you are still hanging out with your ex? What message does that say to new relationship prospects? I know I wouldn't be a fan of dating someone who still was friends with his ex. No thanks buddy. 

Perhaps the question is SHOULD you be friends with your ex? 

What are the implications on your life and the lives of others if you do move forwards with a friendship? An ex is the result of a broken relationship. I feel it is best to take the brokenness and move on, find healing and to do that independently - you have broken up with them after-all. 

Maybe, at the most, after a few eons, or another ice age, then there could be space for a glimmer of a friendship but from where I am sat that would be little more than a quick "hello how are you?" as I am walking by getting on with my own business. 

I'm looking for my best friend and having an ex in your life is likely to put him off, so I need to sacrifice what is already in the past in order to find him. Equally I want my ex's to have the same freedom to do exactly the same. Naturally, I wish them well, care for them and their family and friends as well, but there is a separation that is required in order to move on in life, that is why you split up - to not be together! Yes a friendship is very different but the dynamic is never the same after you have been so close to someone. An ex brings a different dynamic to a relationship than any other type of friendship and I am not looking for that dynamic in my friendships. 

Relationships aren't just about the two people in a couple but others impacted as a result, whether that is children or future partners or spouses. I think a level of care and respect is essential and that can only be discerned on a case by case basis. For me, nope, I will not be friends with an ex, I don't want to be single forever, which could be the case if I didn't have a firm line with this. 

Maybe you could see it as a mark of respect for my future husband. 

So if your name is Matthew, Mark, Luke or John, or something similar, or even totally different but you were once my boyfriend, then don't rush to get in contact, or in fact ever contact me again, because while I wish you well, we weren't friends in the first place, not really. Not in the way my other friends are friends.So be free, find happiness and leave me well alone!

Singleness shaming

Here are a few conversation snippets from a recent family reunion that appeared to shame instead of celebrate singleness. Hopefully you can't relate to these types moments at all because they aren't the nicest experiences. It's moments where you want the earth to swallow you whole because people really shouldn't be subjected to this kind of stuff!

Happily all of these comments were well intended and quite amusing but the undertones, even with the kindest intent, can still be a bit of a slap in the face, especially when you have done way more interesting stuff than have a few dates over the last 2-15 years, which is the length of time that I hadn't seen most of these people for.

Enjoy!

Aunty: Great to see you. Are you wearing any rings on your fingers yet these days?

Me: ummm just my belly ring.
Aunty: oh? Well, you have lost weight at least.

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Family friend: is that your son?

Me: who?
Family friend: that kid who was stood next to you.
Me: who? Where?
Family friend: he was just here a moment ago. Around your legs.
Me: what? Someone was around my legs???
Mum: (leans in and whispers) she's single, (virtually shouts) BUT SHE HAS A JOB.
Me: yes I do contribute positively into society by paying taxes even through I remain to be a childless, old spinster...

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Another family friend: is your husband here?
Me: maybe, I'm not sure yet....

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Another Aunty: have you met Mr Right yet?
Me: no.
Aunty: really? You're so beautiful.
Me: you're biased but thank you.
Aunty: what is wrong with men these days?
Me: nothing, I've just given up looking.
Aunty: that's when it will happen.
Me: no, I've really given up. I'm not interested at all.
Aunty: well its about to happen very soon then.
Me: I hope not.
Aunty: oh it definitely will be very soon, probably by tomorrow. As you know my Simon he and blah blah blah blah..... 

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Close girlfriend: Yeah we really love each other but I'm not sure about marrying him....sometimes I want to kill him.
Me: What? Really? That is not good.
Aunty: Oh no, that's totally normal. I often want to kill you uncle.
Me:What the???
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Distant relative: Congratulations
Me: Pardon?
Distant relative: On your pregnancy
Me: No! I have just eaten, its a food baby.
Distant relative: When are you due?
Me: Never, I am just fat.

Distant relative: well you are glowing.

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Family friend: what happened with Luke* you were seeing
Me: how did you know about him?
Family friend: Your mother. Are you going steady?
Me: What? No.
Family friend: Should I buy a hat for the wedding?
Me: NO! I'm not seeing him any more.
Family friend: well, I did think he sounded like a psycho...

Hopefully you won't have ever experienced anything similar to the above conversations. The silver lining amid all of these snippets is that there are many people who clearly care enough about my life to ask. Plus I won't need to have these conversations again for some time, until the next reunion!

The sad thing is by focusing conversation on what we don't have in life, there leaves little opportunity to talk about the wonderful things you do have. For me that was a wonderful new job, new house and completion of my Masters degree, all fairly significant life achievements but also overlooked due to my relationship status. That's okay though because everyone judges success by different measures and I am very happy that I don't have a son who happens to stand too close to strangers legs and that once I go to the bathroom I will no longer be (as) "pregnant" anymore! Although maybe my Aunty was right, I should start wearing more jewelry and perhaps I will buy myself a nice ring with that pay rise I just got!

*Luke was not called "Luke" he was called something else, so if you happen to be called Luke and we were lucky enough to date each other then chill, this wasn't you....

When shouldn't you date?

Often as single people we go on dates as we search for our partner. I have read that it is a numbers game. The more people you date = the greater likelihood you will have of meeting someone you connect with. This makes for hard work and a real commitment to finding someone. But are there times when you should reconsider your commitment to dating? I think that perhaps there are certain times in life that dating may not be the central priority. Happily there is a time for everything under the sun but sometimes that may not be dating....

# Moving house

As stressful as the loss of a partner is moving house. In fact moving is one of the most stressful situations a person can experience in life. Dating while in a high stress situation will not help your stress or your poor date.

# Super busy at work 

Dating is hard work and if you don't have the time to commit because of work commitments then you need to be clear about your priorities and intentions. Work is important but so is keeping your commitments. If your energy levels are too low to catch dinner after work as you promised hen perhaps it's time to reassess things.

# Travelling

Travelling and dating are like arch enemies. They are like Angelina and Jennifer. There is no way in hell anything good will come from it. If you are traveling then travel but starting a new relationship at the same time will have extra complexities because you cannot spend as much time together as you need to grown your relationship. Perhaps it could work be okay if the travel was short lived but going away for an extended period of time will make dating someone back home tough.

# Interviewing for a new job

Changing jobs is a bit like moving house, really unsettling and very stressful. Plus interviewing is hard work and exhausting. It's not the ideal time to also be dating, especially if you struggle to deal with rejection because not getting a job and not getting a date could be too much bad news in one go. Maybe wait until you have your fabulous new job and then you will be in a much more settled place to move forwards in other areas of your life too.

# When your'e grieving

Grief is truly awful but know that with time it does fade. Of course the memories never leave you but working through grief is tough. It comes and goes in waves that hit you like nothing else, especially when you're not expecting it and you don't really want to burst into tears on a date because something triggered you off. Dealing with loss is so hard and it can totally consume your thoughts. This is a time to be kind to yourself, surround yourself with loved ones and friends and ride the waves that come at you, one day at a time.

#When you're sick 

Nothing is good when you are sick. Health is so essential that as soon as it's not there every area of life is negatively impacted. If you become unwell and there is a charming  stranger on the horizon, tell them you can't meet for a few weeks (or however long you need to recover), if they are worth your time, they will stick around, if not then at least you didn't get too far down the line. Without good health it is hard to bring anything g healthy into a new relationship and that isn't fair on you or on your date, especially if you are contagious!

When life is unstable it can make bringing someone else into it really tricky, not impossible but tricky. Life can be complex and so you could ask whether there is ever a good time to date? Only you can truly know but perhaps be aware of the above scenarios so that you don't take on too much.

Personally, I would never, ever (again!)  date especially when one or more of the above are in your life, such as you are moving house and you're sick. Or you are travelling and super busy, or the worst possible scenario all of the above are present in you life!

It may be tempting to have a mate along side you during stressful times but actually it can be detrimental to your future relationship, especially when it is such early days. You need to be able to give the baby seedling of your relationship all the attention and nurture it requires,  and more importantly,  deserves . With distractions like the above situations it can become impossible to do that and so there will be casualties. Imagine, you could find yourself heartbroken as well as dealing with whatever other situation you are also facing and with so much else happening in life is something you could almost certainly could do without.