When shouldn't you date?

Often as single people we go on dates as we search for our partner. I have read that it is a numbers game. The more people you date = the greater likelihood you will have of meeting someone you connect with. This makes for hard work and a real commitment to finding someone. But are there times when you should reconsider your commitment to dating? I think that perhaps there are certain times in life that dating may not be the central priority. Happily there is a time for everything under the sun but sometimes that may not be dating....

# Moving house

As stressful as the loss of a partner is moving house. In fact moving is one of the most stressful situations a person can experience in life. Dating while in a high stress situation will not help your stress or your poor date.

# Super busy at work 

Dating is hard work and if you don't have the time to commit because of work commitments then you need to be clear about your priorities and intentions. Work is important but so is keeping your commitments. If your energy levels are too low to catch dinner after work as you promised hen perhaps it's time to reassess things.

# Travelling

Travelling and dating are like arch enemies. They are like Angelina and Jennifer. There is no way in hell anything good will come from it. If you are traveling then travel but starting a new relationship at the same time will have extra complexities because you cannot spend as much time together as you need to grown your relationship. Perhaps it could work be okay if the travel was short lived but going away for an extended period of time will make dating someone back home tough.

# Interviewing for a new job

Changing jobs is a bit like moving house, really unsettling and very stressful. Plus interviewing is hard work and exhausting. It's not the ideal time to also be dating, especially if you struggle to deal with rejection because not getting a job and not getting a date could be too much bad news in one go. Maybe wait until you have your fabulous new job and then you will be in a much more settled place to move forwards in other areas of your life too.

# When your'e grieving

Grief is truly awful but know that with time it does fade. Of course the memories never leave you but working through grief is tough. It comes and goes in waves that hit you like nothing else, especially when you're not expecting it and you don't really want to burst into tears on a date because something triggered you off. Dealing with loss is so hard and it can totally consume your thoughts. This is a time to be kind to yourself, surround yourself with loved ones and friends and ride the waves that come at you, one day at a time.

#When you're sick 

Nothing is good when you are sick. Health is so essential that as soon as it's not there every area of life is negatively impacted. If you become unwell and there is a charming  stranger on the horizon, tell them you can't meet for a few weeks (or however long you need to recover), if they are worth your time, they will stick around, if not then at least you didn't get too far down the line. Without good health it is hard to bring anything g healthy into a new relationship and that isn't fair on you or on your date, especially if you are contagious!

When life is unstable it can make bringing someone else into it really tricky, not impossible but tricky. Life can be complex and so you could ask whether there is ever a good time to date? Only you can truly know but perhaps be aware of the above scenarios so that you don't take on too much.

Personally, I would never, ever (again!)  date especially when one or more of the above are in your life, such as you are moving house and you're sick. Or you are travelling and super busy, or the worst possible scenario all of the above are present in you life!

It may be tempting to have a mate along side you during stressful times but actually it can be detrimental to your future relationship, especially when it is such early days. You need to be able to give the baby seedling of your relationship all the attention and nurture it requires,  and more importantly,  deserves . With distractions like the above situations it can become impossible to do that and so there will be casualties. Imagine, you could find yourself heartbroken as well as dealing with whatever other situation you are also facing and with so much else happening in life is something you could almost certainly could do without.

Second date - double take

I had met Daniel* at a group dinner with mutual friends. We had happened to sit next to each other and throughout the course of the evening chatted away happily. He seemed nice, clean shaven, smartly dressed in a nice shirt and smart jeans....the kind of guy my mother would be delighted for me to spend time with. It was a fun evening so at the end of the night when he asked for my number I was happy to give it to him, he seemed okay. 

Daniel and I agreed to meet up in a few weeks time. As the evening arrived for our date I had bit of a foggy memory about his exact appearance. Yes, I admit it, I had entirely forgotten what he looked like. I reassured myself that it was a minor factor that didn't matter because dating isn't really about looks and a few weeks is quite a long time, especially when recalling facial features is concerned.

As I was waiting at our agreed meeting spot looking at each passerby hopefully wondering, "is that him?", I suddenly felt a dark shadow come over me and it made me instinctively grip my handbag tighter. I tried to shrug it off as pre-date nerves. 

It lingered more and I had to investigate! I quickly turned around on my heel almost bumping into to what I was sure was some kind of attacker. To my absolute horror I almost bumped into a really tall guy, wearing a floor length, black, leather trench coat - that was skimming the floor, and he had full facial hair, aside from a naked chin! (On a side note: Why would you just shave your chin and forget the rest of your face?!...that's like shaving half your arm pit!)

I was incredibly intimidated, no, I was actually scared. 

I was ready to hand over my handbag and reel off my PIN. Then he looked at me and said, "Hi Jo!" How did he know my name?! As I looked more closely at this intimidating stranger, it appeared to me that he wasn't a stranger at all. It was Daniel.

DANIEL!

This oddly dressed stranger was my date. I don't know if I did a 
double or triple take! He was unrecognizable. It felt like I had never laid eyes on him before, let alone had dinner with him a few weeks back. I was instantly on edge. 

I tried hard to look past this new look yet I found it very disturbing. Without exaggeration, Daniel looked like he was  a cross between someone from the Matrix movie and someone in the Village People! In my shock, I accidentally told him so as I declared, "Daniel? You look like you are in the village people?" he looked at me happily and said, "yes, it is great isn't it?!" Thankfully he wasn't insulted by my shocked outburst. 

The difference in Daniel had seriously freaked me out. It was like I was meeting him for the first time and there I was wondering about what happened to the guy I met at dinner a few weeks ago. I guess this was a new side to him that I was discovering! 

It wasn't really so much about what he was wearing or actually how he looked but that he was so unrecognizable from when we first met. It would have been less of a contrast if I had turned up dressed as a nun. What was going on? Can the real Daniel please stand up?!  Surely, my terrible memory isn't THAT bad. Is it?!

Before me was a whole new contrast to the version of  Daniel that  I had previously met and this made me feel nervous and distrusting. I was still half waiting for him to steal my handbag. What else was going to come out of the wood work?!

Dinner was awful because I was so on edge and far too nervous to properly get to know Daniel. I was expecting him to break out into singing YMCA  or maybe zap me into a parallel universe. 

Perhaps this was a bit unfair on Daniel, who can obviously wear whatever he likes yet it is also quite bizarre to present yourself so differently. As soon as I went blonde I updated my online dating pictures,  because before you get to know someone, looks do play an important role in dating, especially if you are trying to recognise them on a busy Friday evening! 

* name changed so that you can't identify him, not that he needed a disguise.

PULLING THE PLUG - knowing when your relationship is over

What childhood stories fail to inform us about Prince Charming is that the bugger doesn't actually exist! I grew up looking for this dude, who of course was never there! If I ever meet my non-Prince Charming and end up having a daughter I will be sure that she knows very early on that she should not be looking for a Prince Charming....likewise a son, should not be looking for a Cindarella. 

Once upon a time I dated a wonderful guy who was everything I was looking for. He was very close indeed to being Prince Charming. Or so I hoped.... yet the Cindarella's and Prince Charming's of this world are simply not in this world, which is why we like them and their perfection. 

My Prince Charming I were very happy to overlook most of our imperfections because those flaws, while annoying, are what make us human. Of course, it is always good to work on ourselves individually as well together in a relationship but some things are simply deal breakers. 

The full story is longer than Rapunzel's hair but in short we got on well, had all the right stuff in common (mostly), deeply trusted each other and valued each other, for many years. What could go wrong?....Perhaps we were living in fantasy land? We were happy and surely that is what counts? Or perhaps we should have worked harder to build a stronger foundation together to ensure our relationship forwards into the future, especially our modes of  communication. Yep. 

Having this reaslisation has been nothing short of heartbreaking because amid all things, he was charming. So all was not well in our little magical world of apparent happiness. Okay sometimes it was terrible. So terrible it ultimately became fatal but that's the risk of dating. 

Communication was so disjointed between us that sometimes my Charming darling would say things like, "I know you are upset but you shouldnt be because I haven't done anything wrong." Perhaps he hadn't done anything but the very fact that I wanted to chat shouldn't have been overlooked. Surely at times like this communication is more essential than ever?  Instead I was seen as a dripping tap that I should simply turn off because it shouldnt be on. Feelings arent like that. 

Prince Charming couldn't get off his white horse to meet me where I was and his white horse was too big for me to climb and so we were stuck. Over time things were not improving but getting worse and I was increasingly being dismissed to the extent that I didn't even want to see him as a result. You always know it isn't a good thing when you don't want to see the guy you are meant to be seeing!

Of course this wasn't the only issue we were facing, and I was far from blameless and regretfully we caused each other great pain. Indeed, there were a number of other complexities we were unable to work through in our two years together yet our differing modes of communication, including my diabolical grasp of his native language and subsequent inability to assimilate within his culture, made bringing our lives together impossible. We came to the distressing conclusion that we could not go on and we had to make our own separate ways into the sunset, hopefully happily ever after. 

In health, but in sickness?

Being winter in the Southern Hemisphere right now sickness is rife in my city. Coughs and sneezes fill the cool air. Being single and sick, really sucks, especially when you live alone. 

Every winter, without fail, I get sick, to some degree or another.  I suppose I am a bit of a sensitive soul at heart. Last year wasn't too bad, thankfully I was only out of action for a week but the year before I ended up in hospital. This year it's been a combination of somewhere between the two previous years. Yay. 

I fondly recall one of the most considerate things someone did for me was actually when I was very unwell. At the time I happened to also be privileged enough to also be dating a very caring guy and in my illness I got to see his true character...

I was terribly unwell, so unwell that I couldn't eat, which is pretty serious for me. He had a very kind heart but also had responsibilities i.e. He had to go to work, understandably! I had insisted that I would sleep off my sickness and then be back to full health but next thing I knew I had received a delivery of all my favourite Indian food at my door! 

Happily I was also able to support Mr Caring through various bouts of man flu before we amicably parted ways. Recovery to full health is much easier when you aren't alone. 

Being single and sick is a bit like being single at Christmas, it's ones of those times when it would be really great to have someone alongside you, even if it is your Mum! The feeling of your head aching so much you can barely move and your body being in so much pain that even your eyelashes hurt, is simply awful. The pain of sickness is further compounded when all you want is a glass of water but trying to get it feels like conquering Mt Everest. 

Thank God for friends. 

When you are single friends often take the place of a pseudo-family and they can take on increasingly important roles in your life -beyond all the fun stuff together like parties, holidays but also things like next of kin and being your emergency contact!

One of my girlfriends and I regularly check in on each other, as a  welfare check and to see if each other needs anything....ANYTHING and this is if we are healthy as well as unwell. It is often nothing more than a simple SMS asking how the other is and if they need anything. This isn't just about asking "how are you?" But "REALLY how are you?" 

I can see that we will still be doing this for each other for many decades to come and probably well into retirement and beyond! For which I am truly grateful for. 

Both of us have all our family members living overseas and so we have made it our mission to look out for each other and this includes the airport run! We both drop and collect each other from the airport, even at 6am in the morning. 

That is love!

Maybe being unwell is the ultimate reminder of how we can support those we truly care for when they are in need and not just being there when things are well.

How old is too young?

It is something we always discuss as a child you want to get older, especially becoming a teenager but then as time passes and the birthdays come round more quickly there can be an increasing reluctance to embrace them. When it comes to dating age is also quite a sticking point.

I have been fascinated by the French President, Emmanuel Macron and the 24 years age gap with his older wife. That gives me great hope and even something to aspire to! However, recently I found myself in a situation with a similarly significant age gap and it just didn’t seem right….

As tends to be the case with most new connections these days, I received a message online from someone I hadn’t met in person. I decided to converse with the guy. It was all the usual ‘getting to know you’ kind of stuff.  We covered the key preliminary details…”what do you do? Where are you from? Where do you live?” Blah blah blah and “how old are you?!”

I told him my age. He replied with his age – he was 15 years younger than me. I instantly concluded that the conversation would be over and he will be off into the black hole of cyber space to find a chic younger than me. I can live with that. However, he replied to my messaging saying, “I am probably too young for you?”

I laughed out loud! I was convinced he would want a younger woman and he was concerned he wasn’t old enough! The world is a bizarre place.

However, fifteen years is a pretty significant age gap – at least given the ages we both are, it was worlds apart. I could almost have been his mother. I felt equally repulsed at the idea of dating a guy so much younger and equally a sense of pride. Perhaps I should include this on my resume?

Fifteen years!

Would I feel the same about someone 15 years older than me? I don’t know. I replied to the young man in question, that yes, he probably was too young for me and added, that I am also probably too old for him. He totally disagreed with me!

Wow.

It turns out, as you can imagine, that we were looking for entirely different things from each other and that was the end of the conversation. It did get me thinking, how old is too young? Equally, how old is too old?

What is the sweet spot? Does it even exist?

So often, when dating, an age range is applied to help ‘filter’ your prospects but in doing so the very act could filter out your true love. Is age that important when love is concerned? What does age mean anyway?

In the world of online dating I appear to be popular with men 30 years my senior. For me, that is too old as is fifteen years my junior too young. I suppose my sweet spot is somewhere between those decades! How unhelpful. Surely the age of your spouse is less relevant than being in the same season, wanting the same things, having the same goals and generally looking for the same things as each other in life.

I had another encounter recently with another younger man, who was only my junior by about five years. On the surface we seemed to have quite a bit in common and got on okay, well as much as you can on the phone when they live interstate! Anyway, he was set on having a large family. Yes, he wanted at least 3 children, possibly more. This dude wanted so many kids that I would have been a baby machine for almost a decade and we hadn’t even met! 

No thanks. 

I tapped out of that one quickly because I simply didn’t want that kind of life. Perhaps a decade ago I would have been up for it but not now, there are other things that I am looking for in my life.  In that scenario, where you simply want different things, age can be an issue but wanting different things in a relationship can happen regardless of age.

Age. Does it matter? Perhaps sometimes it does. Often I would say it doesn’t matter at all. A few weeks back I had a senile moment where I totally forgot my age altogether. I really couldn’t recall which of the three ages floating around in my head was correct and had to calculate it from my year of birth! You see, age can be so peripheral that even your own age can become elusive.

When dating age can be a limiting factor in many ways yet I have been encouraged by the younger, single men out there who are prepared to date an older woman, especially when they can remind her that she isn’t that old after all. 

The happiest day of THEIR lives

I can almost hear the church bells ringing in glorious harmony as another blissfully happy couple ties the knot.

Weddings.

Yes weddings! The peak of happiness for some and equally they can be the pinnacle of utter despair for others. Don’t get me wrong, I am pro-marriage. I am definitely pro-marriage but the process of getting married is what I am talking about, not for the bride and groom, but the experience of their single guests.

It should be noted, I am genuinely delighted when people fall in love and are prepared to stick together in sickness, in health, for richer and for poorer. That is admirable.

Congratulations.

My concern with weddings is that they are a bit like funerals. Stay with me….. Yes, weddings are like funerals because they force you to stand still and reflect on yourself. Weddings make you look at your life and wonder… “What will my destiny be?”

While the happy couple are gloriously celebrating their undying love with their nuptials, it can be easy to wonder where your elusive darling is lurking as it highlights your singleness.

To make matters worse for the single person weddings are entrenched with the traditions and rituals that rub serious amounts of salt into the breaking heart of a single person.

SOB.

As a single woman the absolute worst part of the wedding is when all the single ladies are forced together, as if on display in a zoo, to see who will catch the bride’s bouquet. Will it be your turn next? No thank you. I don’t particularly like flowers and the superstition that if you catch it you will be next to marry, simply doesn’t work. I know this is a fact because otherwise I would have been married by now – about 15 times over!

One friend of mine had suffered so many humiliating years if being forced to stand in front of the wedding party ‘hoping’ to catch the bride’s bouquet, that at her own wedding she refused to even toss her bouquet! The distress she had experienced as a single person by standing there among other single women, mostly young girls under the age of 15, was so significant that she didn’t want to make the single women attending her wedding feel the same way. It was such a beautiful gesture that really touched me and actually enabled me to enjoy her wedding much more, being safe in the knowledge that I wouldn’t have to run and hide in the bathrooms when the painful moment rolled round. Phew.

Weddings remind single people that they are indeed single. Weddings dangle the carrot in front of you – it is so close and so, so, very far away as well. There can be great joy and hope as you celebrate the love of your nearest and dearest but also sorrow and grief in reflection of what may be left unfulfilled in your life. As a single person it can be a tricky mine-field to navigate but as people getting married there are also lovely touches to a wedding that can bless single guests. We are all in different seasons in life and I love the idea of being sensitive to the people around us that we care for – till death do we part.

Eliminating toxic relationships

There can be times when you realize that certain relationships are actually harmful to you. It could be that there is abuse, negativity, jealously, lack of trust or disrespect as a theme in the relationship which impacts you in a toxic way. Often it is unintentional that the friend or partner harms you but regardless it is unhealthy and so there comes a point where you may need to decide to end the relationship. 

Perhaps you need to block them from your life so that you can move forwards?

Relationships are two sided so even in a situation where there isn't balance the relationship can become harmful. Of course we all experience our ups and downs in relationships but toxicity is when there is a constant theme in the relationship that is destructive and this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship that needs to be examined.

I had a friend who I cared for very dearly who was always at least an hour late whenever we would meet up. Time after time, I would be left waiting as she would be constantly calling me reassuring me that she was just around the corner and not to leave yet or some other excuse. This went on for a number of years. I justified her behavior because she had a small child and had been in a difficult situation personally as well.  

Over time I did speak to her about her lateness and that it was upsetting for me yet her behavior continued. There was no change.

One evening we had agreed to meet up and it was a day that I really needed her friendship more than any other day of the year. My friend absolutely promised me that she would be on time on this occasion. I reminded her of her track record of serial lateness and she gave me her work that she would be at our agreed meeting place at 6pm. I hoped for the best.

By 8.30pm I left the meeting place alone and in tears. My friend was no where to be seen. She evidently couldn't be there for me, even though I had consistently been there for her. I realized that I needed friends who actually could be there for me and more so who would also respect my time, friendship and loyalty. 

It was a tough and sad for me to decide not to see that friend again, while I do miss her, I now spend more time with people who at least show up when we agree to meet! BONUS. Plus, I have never needed to wait around for hours for any of my friends to meet me! 

Being on time, or at least roughly on time, is so simple yet also so crucial in a friendship because not only was she always late, disrespecting my time but I couldn't trust her so whenever she said that she would meet me on time I simply didn't believe her, I knew she would be late - and she consistently reaffirmed this was the case.

What is a relationship without trust?

Letting go of someone in your life can cause sadness and grief, after all you care for  them. However, unhealthy relationships can cause so much harm that it can be detrimental to continue them. By letting go, and releasing toxic relationship, you can be free to pursue other relationships. By allowing a negative relationship to fester you may be blocking a healthy relationship from growing. 

By spending time with my friend who was always late, I was prohibited from spending time with other people. By letting my friend go, I gained more time and capacity to seek more meaningful and fruitful relationships. 

It may sound harsh but there could be relationships in your life that you need to remove.

Recently I had a friend say to me, "What can I do to be a better friend to you Jo?" and for me that was a great indication of the exact type of friendship I want to invest my time into.