How old is too young?

It is something we always discuss as a child you want to get older, especially becoming a teenager but then as time passes and the birthdays come round more quickly there can be an increasing reluctance to embrace them. When it comes to dating age is also quite a sticking point.

I have been fascinated by the French President, Emmanuel Macron and the 24 years age gap with his older wife. That gives me great hope and even something to aspire to! However, recently I found myself in a situation with a similarly significant age gap and it just didn’t seem right….

As tends to be the case with most new connections these days, I received a message online from someone I hadn’t met in person. I decided to converse with the guy. It was all the usual ‘getting to know you’ kind of stuff.  We covered the key preliminary details…”what do you do? Where are you from? Where do you live?” Blah blah blah and “how old are you?!”

I told him my age. He replied with his age – he was 15 years younger than me. I instantly concluded that the conversation would be over and he will be off into the black hole of cyber space to find a chic younger than me. I can live with that. However, he replied to my messaging saying, “I am probably too young for you?”

I laughed out loud! I was convinced he would want a younger woman and he was concerned he wasn’t old enough! The world is a bizarre place.

However, fifteen years is a pretty significant age gap – at least given the ages we both are, it was worlds apart. I could almost have been his mother. I felt equally repulsed at the idea of dating a guy so much younger and equally a sense of pride. Perhaps I should include this on my resume?

Fifteen years!

Would I feel the same about someone 15 years older than me? I don’t know. I replied to the young man in question, that yes, he probably was too young for me and added, that I am also probably too old for him. He totally disagreed with me!

Wow.

It turns out, as you can imagine, that we were looking for entirely different things from each other and that was the end of the conversation. It did get me thinking, how old is too young? Equally, how old is too old?

What is the sweet spot? Does it even exist?

So often, when dating, an age range is applied to help ‘filter’ your prospects but in doing so the very act could filter out your true love. Is age that important when love is concerned? What does age mean anyway?

In the world of online dating I appear to be popular with men 30 years my senior. For me, that is too old as is fifteen years my junior too young. I suppose my sweet spot is somewhere between those decades! How unhelpful. Surely the age of your spouse is less relevant than being in the same season, wanting the same things, having the same goals and generally looking for the same things as each other in life.

I had another encounter recently with another younger man, who was only my junior by about five years. On the surface we seemed to have quite a bit in common and got on okay, well as much as you can on the phone when they live interstate! Anyway, he was set on having a large family. Yes, he wanted at least 3 children, possibly more. This dude wanted so many kids that I would have been a baby machine for almost a decade and we hadn’t even met! 

No thanks. 

I tapped out of that one quickly because I simply didn’t want that kind of life. Perhaps a decade ago I would have been up for it but not now, there are other things that I am looking for in my life.  In that scenario, where you simply want different things, age can be an issue but wanting different things in a relationship can happen regardless of age.

Age. Does it matter? Perhaps sometimes it does. Often I would say it doesn’t matter at all. A few weeks back I had a senile moment where I totally forgot my age altogether. I really couldn’t recall which of the three ages floating around in my head was correct and had to calculate it from my year of birth! You see, age can be so peripheral that even your own age can become elusive.

When dating age can be a limiting factor in many ways yet I have been encouraged by the younger, single men out there who are prepared to date an older woman, especially when they can remind her that she isn’t that old after all. 

The happiest day of THEIR lives

I can almost hear the church bells ringing in glorious harmony as another blissfully happy couple ties the knot.

Weddings.

Yes weddings! The peak of happiness for some and equally they can be the pinnacle of utter despair for others. Don’t get me wrong, I am pro-marriage. I am definitely pro-marriage but the process of getting married is what I am talking about, not for the bride and groom, but the experience of their single guests.

It should be noted, I am genuinely delighted when people fall in love and are prepared to stick together in sickness, in health, for richer and for poorer. That is admirable.

Congratulations.

My concern with weddings is that they are a bit like funerals. Stay with me….. Yes, weddings are like funerals because they force you to stand still and reflect on yourself. Weddings make you look at your life and wonder… “What will my destiny be?”

While the happy couple are gloriously celebrating their undying love with their nuptials, it can be easy to wonder where your elusive darling is lurking as it highlights your singleness.

To make matters worse for the single person weddings are entrenched with the traditions and rituals that rub serious amounts of salt into the breaking heart of a single person.

SOB.

As a single woman the absolute worst part of the wedding is when all the single ladies are forced together, as if on display in a zoo, to see who will catch the bride’s bouquet. Will it be your turn next? No thank you. I don’t particularly like flowers and the superstition that if you catch it you will be next to marry, simply doesn’t work. I know this is a fact because otherwise I would have been married by now – about 15 times over!

One friend of mine had suffered so many humiliating years if being forced to stand in front of the wedding party ‘hoping’ to catch the bride’s bouquet, that at her own wedding she refused to even toss her bouquet! The distress she had experienced as a single person by standing there among other single women, mostly young girls under the age of 15, was so significant that she didn’t want to make the single women attending her wedding feel the same way. It was such a beautiful gesture that really touched me and actually enabled me to enjoy her wedding much more, being safe in the knowledge that I wouldn’t have to run and hide in the bathrooms when the painful moment rolled round. Phew.

Weddings remind single people that they are indeed single. Weddings dangle the carrot in front of you – it is so close and so, so, very far away as well. There can be great joy and hope as you celebrate the love of your nearest and dearest but also sorrow and grief in reflection of what may be left unfulfilled in your life. As a single person it can be a tricky mine-field to navigate but as people getting married there are also lovely touches to a wedding that can bless single guests. We are all in different seasons in life and I love the idea of being sensitive to the people around us that we care for – till death do we part.

Eliminating toxic relationships

There can be times when you realize that certain relationships are actually harmful to you. It could be that there is abuse, negativity, jealously, lack of trust or disrespect as a theme in the relationship which impacts you in a toxic way. Often it is unintentional that the friend or partner harms you but regardless it is unhealthy and so there comes a point where you may need to decide to end the relationship. 

Perhaps you need to block them from your life so that you can move forwards?

Relationships are two sided so even in a situation where there isn't balance the relationship can become harmful. Of course we all experience our ups and downs in relationships but toxicity is when there is a constant theme in the relationship that is destructive and this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship that needs to be examined.

I had a friend who I cared for very dearly who was always at least an hour late whenever we would meet up. Time after time, I would be left waiting as she would be constantly calling me reassuring me that she was just around the corner and not to leave yet or some other excuse. This went on for a number of years. I justified her behavior because she had a small child and had been in a difficult situation personally as well.  

Over time I did speak to her about her lateness and that it was upsetting for me yet her behavior continued. There was no change.

One evening we had agreed to meet up and it was a day that I really needed her friendship more than any other day of the year. My friend absolutely promised me that she would be on time on this occasion. I reminded her of her track record of serial lateness and she gave me her work that she would be at our agreed meeting place at 6pm. I hoped for the best.

By 8.30pm I left the meeting place alone and in tears. My friend was no where to be seen. She evidently couldn't be there for me, even though I had consistently been there for her. I realized that I needed friends who actually could be there for me and more so who would also respect my time, friendship and loyalty. 

It was a tough and sad for me to decide not to see that friend again, while I do miss her, I now spend more time with people who at least show up when we agree to meet! BONUS. Plus, I have never needed to wait around for hours for any of my friends to meet me! 

Being on time, or at least roughly on time, is so simple yet also so crucial in a friendship because not only was she always late, disrespecting my time but I couldn't trust her so whenever she said that she would meet me on time I simply didn't believe her, I knew she would be late - and she consistently reaffirmed this was the case.

What is a relationship without trust?

Letting go of someone in your life can cause sadness and grief, after all you care for  them. However, unhealthy relationships can cause so much harm that it can be detrimental to continue them. By letting go, and releasing toxic relationship, you can be free to pursue other relationships. By allowing a negative relationship to fester you may be blocking a healthy relationship from growing. 

By spending time with my friend who was always late, I was prohibited from spending time with other people. By letting my friend go, I gained more time and capacity to seek more meaningful and fruitful relationships. 

It may sound harsh but there could be relationships in your life that you need to remove.

Recently I had a friend say to me, "What can I do to be a better friend to you Jo?" and for me that was a great indication of the exact type of friendship I want to invest my time into.

I miss being single - 7 luxuries of singleness

“I miss being single” my married friend* declared over dinner on Friday evening. I was stunned. What on earth could my friend miss? She had been happily married for a few years and with her approval she taught me about some of the great luxuries of being single. 

Here are 7 reasons to cherish singleness!

1.      You can be more spontaneous.

This is a huge luxury because in a relationship there is often the need to consult with your partner, discuss and then compromise what you will do. This is not the case when you are single and you can just go with the flow, meandering along and seeing where the wind takes you. Ah the freedom!

2.      Decision making is easier.

In some ways this point is similar to the above. As a single person you can make decisions on according to your own rationale, without having to have enormous discussions on the best thing to do in any situation, from what'd for dinner to shall you move overseas is entirely up to you. Indeed, you can instantly decide you are moving to Auckland, pack your bags and go, without even discussing this life changing decision with anyone else. With a partner in tow the decision making process is not as straight forward.

3.      Social circles are simpler to navigate.

There are no in-laws or weird uni mates that your your partner  catches up with to navigate. The people you hang with are the ones you choose to spend time with because you love and care for them. By contrast having to spent your valuable free time with people you aren’t that close to, or in some cases you don't even particularly like, is nothing short but a labor of love. A labor that single people do not have to endure. Hurrrrrrah.

4.      Easy access to quiet time.

Getting that all important down time, where you can be alone and chill out is apparently much harder when you are not single. This is something that should be a cherished luxury by single people because for others this is as rare as hen’s teeth.

5.      Using your time as you decide.

Yes! As single people you do not need to do stuff you don’t care about, you know like standing on the sidelines of a muddy field, in  freezing cold weather, watching your partner play soccer. Similarly, you don't need to pretend that you are following the Premier League or that care about the off-side rule, when you are single. It is quite simple, you can do the stuff that you are passionate about and if you don’t care about it or don’t want to do something, then, mostly, you don’t need to do it. Yet if your partner has a keen passion for golf, or worse, cricket, then by default, so you do need to take some kind of active interest in it. 

6.      Accountability is mainly to yourself.

Buy the handbag, eat the doughnut – life is simply too short not to. And you can pretty much justify anything, according to your own reasoning, without the input of anyone else. Accountability is important, whether you are single or not, but equally you need to enjoy yourself as well and as a single person you can make your own rules with how you live your life.

7.      Flirting.

Yes, flirting. 

“I miss flirting. I flirt with my husband but it’s not the same”

These are the exact words of my married friend, who misses the freedom that she previously had to flirt with whoever she pleased, whenever she pleased. This is a great reminder to bat your eye lashes and enjoy the moments of flirting while you can!

There we have it, singleness isn’t a curse at all, it can be a blessing full of luxurious moments that couples simply do not have. If only it was packaged in the same way as other luxuries in life then it may seem more appealing.

*friend – thank you for your insights, they bring so much joy! 

How rebounds ruins relationships

It appears that there are some people who need to be in a relationship. NEED is the right word. They cannot exist and be a contributing member of society without this need being met. 

This was highlighted to me recently when a friend was telling me about the heartbreak of her breakup after more than a decade of being together. What was already a painful experience became much worse, when her beloved ex started a relationship with another woman within a month of their separation! Interestingly, the other woman was very recently divorced herself. This isn't just dating someone new but going into a full on relationship, which is even Facebook official, before the door has barely closed on the previous relationship. 

This got me thinking...

Why do some people quickly get into new relationships so soon after the end of a long term relationship? That is the last thing that I would want after heartbreak - jump in for some more! 

After meeting a nice guy recently, he told me what he was looking for in a woman. I was none of those things, especially as redhead was one his essential requirements. While he was nice, he was not the guy for me and we openly agreed we were both looking for different things. All good, we can be friends right?

Hmmm.

This guy proceeded to ask me out, multiple times and even invite me to all sorts of couple type events, including dinner at his place. It was never going to happen. I reminded him that he is not looking for someone like me and his response was "you're right, don't you ever just want a cuddle though?" I am sure his intentions were not pure but even if they were, do I want a cuddle? And one from him?

Ummmm, no actually. I don't. Not at all, ever. 

I cannot think of anything worse than being in the arms of someone I don't love and trust. Clearly this guy didn't think the same way and for him having anyone was more appealing than no one. Thankfully I have the self-confidence to know my value is far beyond wanting to merely fill the empty void in someone else's life. 

Void filler sounds like something you'd use to patch up a hole in a wall.

Do people move on so quickly to intentionally hurt their previous spouse? Probably. However, there are pros to this! I once dated a serial rebounder, Oliver* and after splitting up with him I hoped he would actually be successful in securing his next victim… I mean relationship, quickly, just to get him off my case! I am sad to say that he is totally incapable of being a good partner to anyone yet of course the poor woman he is dating will realize that in due course. 

Many people have rebound relationships but then why would anyone want to date someone who is trying to replace their ex? It is like you are functioning as a filler of a void, or even a bath plug, so that the water doesn't drain out! 

No thanks. 

After a relationship breakdown why would anyone in their right mind jump straight into another relationship? Surely that is the last thing that you would want to do? Unless you are not in your right mind? 

Perhaps the devastation of a break up, for some people, can only be resolved with a new relationship? Relationships are hard enough with two people coming together but with the added baggage of a recent breakup means it will surely be doomed.

Who wants an extra serving of heartbreak?

I have a theory that some people simply function better in a relationship and so when a relationship ends, they MUST find another one. I suppose it is a bit like when the toilet roll has been used up - it gets replaced, and quickly!

Don't be toilet roll!

Rebounders seem to find a new relationship so seamlessly that there appears to be a lack of grieving for the past relationship as the new relationship immediately takes precedence. For the ex of the rebounder this can compound an already painful experience, rubbing salt into an already deep wound. 

Relationship breakups require time for healing, grieving and moving on and I think for many people this is best done alone, with the support of loved ones but not a new partner.

Don't get me wrong we are all unique and there is of course a time when you do need to move on, stop licking your wounds and date again. Perhaps rebounders are just more effective at this? Maybe. However, I cannot help but wonder about the rebounder who is stock piling relationship wounds, back to back and how do they must really be feeling?

By going from relationship to relationship it is almost as if the initial relationship wasn't important or valued because it is quickly disposed of and forgotten. Surely that cannot be the case as new relationships are formed so quickly, perhaps the value is that they cannot let go of a relationship and so instead choose for something secondary to their preference because it is better than the absence of a relationship altogether. 

In the short term this may be okay but what about the person they are dating? The rebound, who may not even realize that they are the rebound and begin to emotionally invest into a relationship with someone who appears to be seeking a relationship but is actually incapable of sustaining one.

Perhaps that is why rebound relationships don't often last that long and aren't that healthy, because compounding unresolved issues is never a good starting point, especially when you are getting to know someone. 

The poor rebounder must be continually confused, with their head spinning wondering why they are so unlucky in love. They aren't bad people, they are wounded people and as a result can cause a trail of devastation, like a lost soul constantly searching for something that's never there.

What is actually lacking in a rebounder is something deep inside of them - something they will never find in a relationship.

The cycle of doing the same things repeatedly but in different relationships and never learning from the mistakes of the past results in a merry- go round of the same recuring issues but with different people. Never taking on board any lessons from the past but moving forwards as if stunted and frozen in time, destined to always do the same thing and never progress to anything more meaningful than another rebound....then another.....and another.

Where is happiness for the rebounder?

No wonder rebounders can't think straight and have healthy relationships, they need to take time and let the spin ware off and finally see the horizon for what it is in order to achieve a healthy relationship that will last. 

The ongoing cycle of relationship failure must surely, at some stage cause reflection and introspection, even asking the question - what went wrong? You can only point the finger at the other partner for so long, especially if the same recurring issues keep coming up but with different people over time.

The common factor in rebound relations are the rebounders themselves.

My opinion is that rebounders are unsuitable to date – they are great people and friends but as a partner I would sooner run for the hills and be thankful for my singleness, at least until they have worked through the issues of their past relationship.

My advice is to look out for people on the rebound and by no means consider them as date worthy. At the same time it is essential, that as single people, we also have the introspection to ensure that we are not culprits of rebound, causing someone else pain in their lives through any of our unresolved issues.

Who wants to hurt someone else? 

Surely love is the antithesis of pain?

So to be a good partner to anyone you must firstly deal with yourself, which is surely the best way to honour and love your next partner. It's a bit like before you take off on a plane and they talk through the emergency procedure…. if the oxygen in the cabin fails, first put on your own mask then go to others. It's not selfishness but it is about being able to be there for someone else and in order to fully be there, and not half in the past, chewed up by bitterness, but whole and complete, it takes time. I think that is what love is all about - being mature enough to think of others before you even know them and be fully aware of the damage you could cause in their life if you are not sorted in yours.

* Name changed to Oliver because like Oliver Twist he always demanded more. 

Tough Moments

As a single person there are things that you often have to do alone. It sounds obvious but there are certain moments in life when it would be better to have someone else to walk alongside you. I have given up complaining that there is no one to take the trash out for me once in a while. I am now over that but sometimes life would be a bit better to journey alongside someone who can share the highs and lows with you. Mainly the lows! 

You know the kind of moments I mean?....Like when there is a spider or cockroach trespassing in the house, or trying to open a jar for the first time.... building flat pack furniture, urgh. Those are some of the moments where I simply detest my singleness. Singleness, sometimes I loathe you!

There are other times when it would be nice, a luxury even, to have someone to hangout with and do fun stuff, like going to the movies or romantic walks along the beach but I can live without them, for now! I am thinking more about moments where it is practical to have a good guy in your life. 

A great one would be even better!

Currently I am going through the horrendous but exciting process of purchasing my first property. I imagine it to be a bit like childbirth, in as much as if you knew what was involved before you did it you wouldn't do it. To make matters worse for me, it has been a process that, of course, is nothing like my childhood fantasy where home ownership would seamlessly coincide with my wonderfully beautiful wedding and gorgeous husband. Nope. 

Absolutely not. 

In fact this process has been entirely devoid of my wedding and therefore husband. Yet the turbulent housing market in Sydney indicates that if you don't get onto the property ladder quickly, you can quickly be out priced of the market, with the sky-rocket prices and sheer affordability. Indeed, Sydney is becoming so expensive that home ownership is nearly impossible. As if I don't have enough to worry about!

After being a serial renter, I had a shocking realization of the fragility of my housing situation when my rent was increased to a level that was almost affordable! I was given 21 days to act on it!

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

So, the brave (maybe foolish?) being that I am, I took the leap of faith and purchased a property that appeared to make sense for me ,and my financial situation, as well as lifestyle. I had put off the idea of buying property for a number of years and I am blessed to have a number of good friends who are now pseudo property advisers to me now! Thank God for good friends, especially as a reminder that you aren't truly going it alone.

Singleness is one thing, homelessness is another and that is a reality that I am determined to avoid. My strategy was simple - find the lowest cost rental accommodation in the area, agree a longer term least at the lower level of rent, cut back on all other expenses and the save all my money like crazy to get my own place and never rent again.

It worked, pretty much.

I am now a few years down the track and very used to my low cost life style which has enabled me to almost complete the sale of contract on my new apartment. Yay! 

I have learnt quite a few lessons along the way as well....like having a plan and sticking to it really pays off. Of course it can be tough sometimes, really tough actually and even quite painful, not to mention boring (think "sorry I can't come out to dinner I need to go home and eat canned food so that I can buy a property").

In fact, I was shocked to learn from my mortgage adviser that I had actually been existing below the poverty line because my living expenses were so low as I was saving so much of my income! I know most people buying property in large cities would be in a similar situation but I can't help resenting the notion that having a partner alongside me during this process would ease this burden. 

A second salary would of course be helpful when making such an enormous purchase even if we both enjoyed romantic evenings over a can of baked beans, at least you would be in the same boat together. Perhaps we could have even advanced to frozen food, alongside canned goods... yet that is not the way it has been for me and so I have had to accept that my expectations have brought disappointment and regardless go for it  irrespective of circumstances.

I also learnt that my challenging sacrifices are worthwhile because now I have a wonderful achievement on my doorstep (may I note that will be a door step that I will own) and I have independently set myself up for the future. Beyonce would be proud. 

Go me!

I have had to accept that my expectations of getting a property are not realistic and to wait for the man of my dreams to do it would be foolish of me. Perhaps he will at least turn up to help me shift the boxes when I move in!!!

How to detect an emotional zombie

The emotional zombie is a term I have recently created to describe someone who is devoid of sharing or showing any deep feelings, especially to someone they care about, even in a committed relationship. But in a relationship they are pretty much a corpse. 

Hopefully you have never experienced this creature from the dead but scarily they are more common that I had realized. Even worse is the fact that emotional zombies seem attracted to people with warm hearts, who are open to love and this is the fate of every relationship with an emotional zombie.

You have been warned!!!

You are probably wondering if you are dating or know an emotional zombie?  It is possible. Some of the characteristics that may be present is a lack of commitment and being aloof, vague and distant – all factors that are so poisonous to healthy relationships. 

You can quickly become lonely when dating an emotional zombie and so you should, because you are devoid of the love and emotionally connection that is expected in a relationship – unless you are with a zombie. 

Don’t expect love from a zombie.

I realized this phenomena existed after the final nail was firmly hammered into the coffin of my relationship with Olly.  I reflected for some time about why the relationship didn’t work out. I don’t think either of us truly wanted to split up but the arguments were so constant with no reconciliation nor agreement to compromise that the writing was on the wall.

It was over.

There had been a few themes in the arguments where I appeared to be blamed for things that actually were carried out by an ex and not me! Olly was definitely haunted by his past.  One of my many suggestions was to consider speaking to someone together, maybe a counselor or someone neutral to help us work through our differences. I think that is useful for all couples – people are so different it is a miracle that anyone ever gets into a relationship, let alone gets married. The response to my well-meaning suggestion was “YOU need a counselor”…………ummmm I thought WE were working on OUR relationship. So what is the resolution? We split up. There was no resolution.

He was so stuck in the past that we had no future.

An emotional zombie is dead to the idea of relating to you because it is either too painful or there is another barrier stopping them from moving forwards in their relationship with you. It is like not being in a relationship at all – because they aren’t, not truly. That’s why loneliness can set in because you are emotionally alone when you really shouldn’t be if you are in a relationship.

Olly was clearly an emotional zombie because of some very prominent behaviors….mainly I wasn’t any sort of a priority to him in his life. What man on earth would not prioritize the woman he is dating? Yes, balance is important but being so unavailable physically and rarely seeing each other is a massive indication of the lack of emotional connection he has. Who wants to be an option? “I have nothing to do on Sunday arvo so I can see you.” Tempting!

Sweep me off my feet, why don’t you?!

An emotional zombie can be detected though a lack of planning or last minute changes to plans, not once or twice but as regular behaviour. This is often coupled with chronic lateness because they were somewhere else, investing their time and possibly emotions there too.

Who wants to be second… anyone?

Emotional zombies are indeed troubled creatures for one reason or another, they aren’t necessarily bad people. They just need the support to work through their frozen emotions in order to be capable of fully connecting in a relationship. 

We all have different experiences in life. Perhaps your ex ran away for a better life in a land far far away like the depths of Serbia or somewhere else exotic but life goes on and we have to move forwards at some point. That may take time yet the emotional zombie is unlikely to recognize this because they aren’t addressing the emotions that keep them locked in the pain of the past.

Zombie nation.

I deeply cared for my emotional zombie, Olly*, he had some awful experienced that remained to trouble him and I hoped to support him through that. However, he rarely shared any of his pain with me, thus isolating me from journey with him through his horrors together.

Why go it alone?

Every day I could see on his handsome face that he was very clearly troubled and he refused to share a morsel of it with me because it was “for my protection” or as I like to rephrase it “for our destruction” because in a relationship, if you aren’t united, together then you’re apart – and that was us. Two separate individuals trying to move in the same direction but one was frozen in time, paralyzed and unwilling to be pulled back into life. We were unable to move anywhere.

It was tragic.

Olly and I were an example of a sad loss of a relationship with enormous potential, that never was to be, all due to un-addressed pain that was allowed to destroy the present and steal hope for the future.

Woah!

I wanted to support Olly yet it seemed that my every attempts were always met with hostility. There was no way for me to navigate the reinforced fort that he had built around his heart. He was majorly suffering and so was I.

I was the collateral damage from the battles Olly faced.

You know you are with an emotional zombie when the past ruins your present and future because you exist only in the past. Being emotionally unavailable in the present means you aren’t in the here and now. Olly was definitely not with me on an emotional level at all.  He was missing in action.

Granted, he was positive, kind, generous – all wonderful traits that make anyone adore him but actually on reflection many of these characteristics are also present in my relationships with close girlfriends. However, Olly wasn’t another great friend to me but he was my love. The problem with love is that it needs to be reciprocated for it to really go anywhere but being the emotional zombie that he was, Olly and I were clearly doomed. He couldn’t love me and as a consequence I eventually realized this made him unworthy of my love.

Don’t get me wrong, emotional zombies do need love, like all people do, but they don’t need a relationship, they need support and opportunities for healing. Emotional zombies don’t realise this and seek out relationships to fill the void. Who wants to be a filler? The stand in? Or stunt double? At this point of realization it was very evident that the impact of dating a zombie was becoming damaging to me and it was essential that I protect myself from him also turning me into a zombie.

Happily I broke free.

I hope you aren’t dating an emotional zombie because it is tough. Perhaps you are congratulating yourself that your date doesn’t have any of these characteristics but there is something worse than dating an emotional zombie – being one yourself!

Are you an emotional zombie?

*name changed to Olly because it sounds like a zombie name...Olly the Zombie. Yep.