You know its not love when...

As a relationship progresses there comes a point in time when you start to wonder if it is love. How do you know if it is the real deal? Does your partner truly love you? Okay, not just love you as in really like you. But LOVE you until death do you part? Or do they simply just really like what meets THEIR needs in life? Sometimes relationships can get messy as emotions get intertwined, so how do you know what is authentic love? Perhaps it is truly actions and words that can speak volumes as an indication...

The ancient scriptures give a great insight into what love truly is. Sometimes looking at the opposite of what love is can provide insight by seeing exactly what love isn't. Based on this you know it is not love when....

It's not patient

Patience is a virtue and a particular virtue that is demonstrated when love is present. Patience sees beyond the immediate moment into the bigger picture. Perhaps right now a situation may not be ideal but with loving patience things can change. As it is said, love conquers all!

There is no kindness

I once met a man who couldn't bare to walk past a person in need without responding to them with kindness - sometimes he responded with a coffee, other times a few dollars or even the shirt off his back. He was a kind soul with a philosophy of "that is someone's child or could be my parent and they are deserving." When I compare that to another response I recently heard suggesting that "all homeless people would have their problems solved if they simply were put into a program of hard labour on an isolated farm." The issue wasn't about homelessness but the response to someone in need. From these responses it is clear where there is love from the amount of kindness shown - or not. This is a reflection of someone's heart and the amount of love that is present.

Envy is evident

The very fact that envy is one of the seven deadly sins should surely be enough to demonstrate that where there is envy there is no love. Envy is being displeased by another's good fortune and often is superficial and self focused. The envious one does not look to add value to the lives of other people around them but instead projects selfish desires onto others. I once recall having a 'friend' refer to me by not using my name but instead my academic qualifications. It was bizarre and seemingly a put down, but all probably due to envy.

Boastfulness rears its ugly head

Boastfulness is drawing attention to yourself and disempowering others. I recall once dating someone who was incredibly arrogant about his life being so entirely perfect, that he seriously expected his spouse to seamlessly fit in with his life - with no compromise, accommodation or even consideration from her needs and desires. From his perspective, all her needs would automatically be met, even without knowing what they were! He said laughable things to me like, "what woman wouldn't want to live in this house* of mine that I have created?" and "don't you realize that there are SO many women who would want to live in my house?" Well his sisters certainly did. Aside from direct relatives.... maybe there are other women far more grateful than myself to have dated such an incredibly fine specimen of a building, I mean elite species of mankind. A house, well to me that is merely bricks and mortar. Creating a home, (or should I say life?!) together, is far more preferable. The type of women who are after a house, as a direct outcome of a relationship , are possibly not also in the market for the side serving of a boastful partner - especially as the house will be more important to him than they are!
*house can be substituted for anything that evokes boastfulness.

Pride is their prejudice

Don't we know so well that pride comes before a fool? This one still makes me laugh today when I recall an old ex-boyfriend of mine once said in absolute disgust, "I have been working for 20 years to have this house* and you haven't even congratulated me!" Once again, the house was nice enough but surely a relationship is far more than a roof over your head? The fact that I wasn't overly pandering to his ego caused him pain. Are houses really THAT important? Yes any home owner has a great achievement (well done buddy, seriously) but you won't get a Nobel Peace Prize for it and to base a relationship on material items is foolish, especially if you cannot be man enough to realize that.
*house can be substituted for anything that evokes pride.

Dishonouring you

Honour is present with giving the greatest respect and esteem. This is vital in every relationship to ensure it remains healthy. Dishonour is the opposite and causes shame or being disgraced. A while ago I was in a situation where I was utterley disgraced. It is now amusing in-hindsight but at the time I was shocked and pretty upset. I had been dating a guy with a dog (grave mistake already) and as I was peacefully sunbathing on the beach the stupid mutt took it upon itself to lick me! I jumped out of my skin in shock. My shock scared the dog who apparently was very upset and felt "scalded" by my response. So here we have a situation with an upset girlfriend and upset dog and who did the jerk comfort? The dog! The bloody dog! I didn't expect I would ever need to say this but - you know you are in the wrong place if an animal ranks higher than you in someone's list of priorities! Love was present here through honour- just not towards me. 

Self-seeking

This is a nice way of saying 'selfishness'. To be self-seeking  is to seek your interests above all else. I had one ex-boyfriend who had agreed that we would spend time together on Christmas day (keep in mind I have no family in the country I live in and I had politely turned down all other invitations from friends due to our happy and romantic arrangements). By 7pm on Christmas Day he still hadn't shown up but decided to call and inform me that he was "too tired" to honour our plans. I was left alone on Christmas day by my boyfriend! This is not love. 

Sometimes self-seeking can extend to deal breakers that basically state in a black and white manner that "it is my way or the highway." I once had a relationship with someone who consistently spoke using 'I' ..... 

"I need someone who can fit into my life".....

"I need someone who will go on my motorbike".... 

"I want someone who will give me 15 children" ....

"I need someone who will cook me dinner"....

"I,I,I..."

You get the idea, and yes, I have dated some real gems! In short, when concern for one's own welfare and interests trump all else, there will be no space for loving someone else, at all. Love won't work with this type of person, they are simply far too busy with their own self 'love'. This is actually  very sad because they wonder why relationships don't work out for them because they really want one but don't realize that relationships truly aren't about themselves at all but actually about the other person. The very essence of love is self-sacrificial and certainly not self-seeking. Ever.

Easily angered

Anger isn't always a bad thing, sometimes it is healthy to be passionate about something like perhaps the plight of homelessness in our city but easily being angered is another matter. I recall once when we were kids my younger brother got super mad at me for blowing out a candle. It was just a candle. Yep just a candle. Not even a candle on his birthday cake but a little tea light candle in the middle of a table at a restaurant. He was so angry that he stormed off and ruined the evening for everyone. So we were kids, but you get the idea, getting angry about something so trivial, is just that, trivial. 

Keeps records of wrongs
Everyone makes mistakes, who doesn't? To claim otherwise is simply lying. The problem is that when mistakes from the past keep being brought into the future and recalled as if on a check list. In dating this is a mistake easily made, which can quickly develop into a powerful index of incompatibility. Dating is after all deciding if we like someone enough to stay with them or not, or is it? I think the key is to have progress in any relationship and to work together, getting to know each other and compromising as you grow together. Having the same mistakes consistently taking place, is a different matter, as is the same as a lack of progress.

So how do you truly know when it is love? Well the above factors should not be prominent issues in the relationship. Indeed, love is evident in any relationship where there is patience, kindness, no envy, or boasting or pride. Love isn't self seeking but putting others before yourself and honouring them (and their dogs - but not to the exclusion of one or the other!). In fact the ancient scriptures put it perfectly in 1 Corinthians, that love always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. The essence of love is self sacrificing which isn't at all natural, let alone easy, and this is probably why there are so many single people!