A couple that I am close to are discussing getting married! I am so excited for them. Like most couples, they have their problems. But one problem is significantly bigger than most loved up couples need to navigate. Due to unavoidable circumstances, currently, they aren't able to live in the same country! The guy truly wants to be in Australia but said he will go anywhere to be with his partner, even if that means quitting his job! He confidently claimed that he would happily use his skills, talents and gifting's to work anywhere they can both be, together. I love their love.
Love can transcend distance - if you make the effort.
It is admirable to see how they are willing to really go the distance to ensure their relationship is protected, regardless of the difficulties that life brings up. Location is no issue for this couple to sustain the love they have for each other. They have actively decided that they want to stay together and are moving forwards in the same direction, together. They are taking every step necessary to ensure they protect their relationship and more than that, ensure they protect each other. As a couple they can see beyond the geographical barriers that are currently in place and realize that over the course of a lifetime they will remain together, in love, no matter where they are located. While this is a tricky circumstance to navigate right now, it will change and vitally give them a heightened relational resilience to tackle whatever comes their way - and get though it.
Relationship challenges make or break couples.
I contrast this couples approach to their location and love with an experience I had. Let's call him Dave*.....
Dave and I were starting to have the occasional, casual conversation about our future. Nothing too serious but a few comments here and there that overall seemed to align, mostly. We were only a few months into dating so there was no need to rush things prematurely, or so I thought.
We had both met each others families, which for me was the first big step and that was good. That is at least one box we ticked! Progress? Well...
Dave was a home owner, not just a home owner but a HOUSE owner. GO DAVE. This is truly quite usual in the city we live in and he probably should be getting a letter from the Queen, or something like that. I am also a home owner but not a house owner. Dave and I lived a full 21km away from each other. If you think in miles and not kilometers it is 13 miles away. We are practically neighbours when considering that we are in the same country, same state, same city....it isn't even a marathon. Surely, there really shouldn't be any issue of location in this relationship? Or am I the stupid fool?....
He had his place, I have my place so I had thought that perhaps as the relationship progressed getting a place together, that was OURS would be a great way to start the next stage of our relationship. Given that my work place is more than two hours from his house, I had hoped that he wouldn't be too happy with me driving 4 hours a day! I had casually mentioned that as our relationship progressed it would be good to see if we could find a location that worked for both of us.
Seems both logical and practical, as 4 hours a day of driving is crazy. Would he want me to drive that far every day? In all seriousness I was instructed by Dave to,
"Quit your job."
Dave very clearly informed that he would NOT under ANY circumstances move house. Not now, nor ever, nor until death do he part this earth. Yep truly. His words were, "I want to live in my house until I drop off my perch." And "You can choose to take it or leave it - and remember there are MANY women who would LOVE to live in MY house."
It was the end of our locationship.
Being a home owner, or even a house owner, isn't a substantial building block for a strong relationship. For me, it isn't even a consideration when looking for a life partner and I was surprised that Dave thought I should have been more grateful for his home ownership ability. Personality traits are far more important to me and I wasn't seen traits I liked, even though Dave had a lovely house, it was totally irrelevant.
Relationships take compromise, meeting each other needs and self sacrifice. I didn't actually have a relationship with Dave, it was a mere locationship - based on convenience, and only while it was convenient and as soon as it put him out of his way, with even the thought of MAYBE moving, he was off. To progress the relationship with mutual benefit for both of us was something that Dave wasn't willing to do. No, Dave couldn't work with me on our first challenge - he couldn't even meet meet half way to make a go of what we had and see if things could work out. Physically, half way would have been 10 kilometers difference for both of us.
A mere 10 kilometers broke us!
It is disappointing that something so minuscule became so enormous when there is a lifetime of opportunities that will forever be unexplored because of his house! An objection. A possession. A thing. Its not like there is a transpacific flight, thousands of dollars in travel (although fuel is expensive!), time differences and other obstacles to overcome. No, we had it all pretty easy to make things work except for the essential ingredients that were lacking...
So, I could have easily moved to his place and quit my job as instructed but why would I do that for a relationship that has no compromise? In fact, I would have found myself in a dictatorship, which is highly undesirable. The single life is much more appealing.
With Dave there was no love, self sacrifice or compromise and truly, that doesn't leave much of a genuine relationship at all. This is a good lesson because when it comes to the crunch you need to know if your relationship will snap, and the more pressure you can handle the better established you will be for the future, even if that means you ultimately part ways.
*Dave is not actually called Dave, surprising hey?!
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