Dating after heartbreak: Is it too soon?

A few weeks ago I met a nice guy* who proceeded to spend an hour of my time telling me everything about his ex girlfriend. Everything.This was clearly not the best date of my life, but by all measures it was far from the worst either!

I can tell you all about his ex- she sounded great! She was a teacher, they met at the local gym, they had been together for five years and were engaged a year ago. They split by a mutual decision. Apparently. It didn't sound that mutual from where I was sitting. And yes, she gave the ring back, not that I asked - I was told!

Eight months later here am sitting with a guy who clearly still wanted to be with his ex. How do I get myself into these situations? It was so bad that my date almost made me wish I was having a coffee with my ex! Almost.

Amid the lengthy descriptions of his wonderful ex-girlfriend, my date did ask me one question, "so tell me about your ex?" He clearly doesn't read my blog, probably a good thing!

What on earth would he want to know about my ex? That he was tall, dark and handsome?...

I just gave a casual shrug in response to his question and said "I've been single for a while." With that he continued telling me more facts about his incredibly magnificent ex.

This date reminded me of the Monologue Man who I have dated previously, where he spent our time together rattling off boring nonsense about cricket. Who cares about cricket?! Anyway...This date was different. It was still a monologue but it was different. It was harder to digest my dates anguish for the loss of the one he loves.

It was sad. Really sad.

I was with a guy who was clearly in the depths of mourning. He was deeply grieving for someone he still loved dearly. I knew this because he told me, pretty much. My heart went out to him. I know that when you are no longer with someone you love is truly awful. It is heartbreaking. And here I was with an ear full of his woes wondering how the hell can I console this distressed stranger? I couldn't.

What could I do?

In the end there was really nothing that I could do to help the poor dude, aside from listen. His relationship was over and he had to deal with it, somehow, some way. He wasn't going very well navigating being single and clearly needed to someone to replace his loss.  

As our date came to a close, I informed him that my parking was about to expire (best excuse ever), he looked at me with big, sad eyes and said, "so let me know if you want to meet again. " it was more of a plea than a question.

He wasn't for me and I wasn't what he needed. He needed healing that only time can bring. On the side, the fact that his dating profile said he was 5'9 yet when I met him he reached my shoulder and I'm 5'8 - an unexpected surprise! Plus I'm not a fan of being talked at for extensive lengths of time - unless I will be awarded a certificate of achievement or something impressive to add to my resume afterwards. Our date was a non-starter, it didn't get off the ground. It would have been more appropriate for me to invoice him for my counseling services.

I felt for him but knew he was far from ready to be dating. This got me thinking. He had been single for 8 months already, everyone takes lengths of time to move on, so how do you know when to move on? How long should you wait to make sure you can date someone without burdening them with the hurt and disappointment from your past? You need to know when you're ready to give someone else a fair go. This is Australia after all.

Give each date a fair go!

I would love to now propose a nice compact list of five, maybe 8 steps to succinctly work through which results in a miraculous outcome that will magically empower you with the knowledge to date again after heartbreak. Like "do these five things and BOOM you're ready to date again". 

Life isn't that simple. People aren't that simple.

To start dating again you must surely be over the pain you experienced in the past. Not necessarily over all of it, heart break can cut deep but there is a level of acceptance and healing that I think is needed to be able to move forwards in life. It's the rawness of the pain and hurt that needs to be dealt with, which my poor date was still very much working through. There is no time frame or magic potion that will ensure this can be achieved in a moment....or in 8 months for that matter. 

I would like to request that the scientific community set about trying to find a quick fix for heartbreak. 

On this occasion my date kept speaking about his ex as if it were yesterday when they split up and the pain was still so bad for him that it may as well have been. He was still very much hurting. I was so sad for him. 

In fact, he was defining himself to me in the context of his previous relationship. His identity was still with the ex! He was still holding on to her and her memory so closely that it was all consuming. 

Emotionally, he wasn't available to date anyone.

Of course he seemed surprised that I suggested we only be friends. He really needed to be wanted more than anything else. It's a basic human need, which I understand, but perhaps my date was looking for comfort in the wrong place? Another date or even girlfriend won't replace the one he is longing for and grieving over. Maybe it could mask the pain of loneliness he was experiencing a little and aid his recovery. Only time can reduce the sadness he carries for that relationship. Perhaps professional help would be advantageous as well? We are all so different with how we process loss and that is what makes the healing process so difficult - there is no bullet proof cure. 

Hurry up with the cure scientists!

Amid all of this the other sad thing was I didn't get to know much about him. It was like I was on a date with his ex! Three is a crowd, don't you know? You can't start a new chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one. I guess that's where drawing a line in the sand is so crucial and knowing when it is time to truly move on.

*the guy's name is not mentioned because in reality this could be any of us.